I spent too much of my life in school trying to fit in, trying to be accepted, and even though I thought it looked like I was doing all the same things as they were, they never accepted me, like they could smell that I was different. I always knew that I was, but I bought into the whole scheme that you are supposed to fit in. When I finally had a revelation that amounted to the full realization that I needed very badly to just be who I was, I immediately rejected all of it, and started making my own rules. It went very well for me, and I was quite pleased. At first, everyone had the sort of response you'd expect: they all thought I was a freak and made me a real outcast. During that time, I noticed that I really rather liked it that way, prefered that they would all stay away and leave me alone. I found myself more able to see them for who they really were, and it made me sick, and I despised all of them. When I got over that, I actually felt pity for them and the fact that they were led blindly into such a misguided worldview. But, hey, they could have chosen to look at it and analyze it the way I did, but they didn't, so, not my fault.
Eventually, a very strange thing happened: I was such a freak, that after about a year, they all got interested in getting to know me. I think that in reality many of them believed in god and they were afraid I was some kind of witch or satanist and that I might curse them somehow, so they wanted to get on my good side. But some of them seemed genuinely interested in hearing about my perspective.
Essentially, it all taught me one thing: none of them matter. They never did, they still don't, and they never will. I have always been somewhat of an outcast, always living in my own little world and looking at theirs with the critical eye that they could not, and seeing the silliness of the majority of their beliefs and ideals and behaviors.
For the most part, I have rejected completely all normal, conventional social behaviors, and I have pretty much rejected really ever trying to have friends. I keep my eyes open for the few others out there that might have some clue into the perspective that I share in, but all too often I find that after a bit of conversation, they are not what I thought they were. When it comes down to the details, I have never met anyone that shares similar views as I do, except one person. Sometimes it is a bit depressing because I can't really engage in the sort of conversation about things with the other people in my life that I would like to. I have to present a very shallow version of myself to almost everyone else around me, because, well, they are just too different to appreciate the things I do, they don't contemplate the universe and life the way I do, etc.
Even amongst those that are my "friends", I have always felt pretty much alone in the universe. There are times when I don't, but more often than not, I do. But it's not an unhappy existence. I enjoy and appreciate my life a whole lot. But most people just cannot understand how.
Anyway, I'm rambling again. But I'm glad you have found some confidence in your difference from the norm. There are few of us that do.
I spent too much of my life in school trying to fit in, trying to be accepted, and even though I thought it looked like I was doing all the same things as they were, they never accepted me, like they could smell that I was different. I always knew that I was, but I bought into the whole scheme that you are supposed to fit in. When I finally had a revelation that amounted to the full realization that I needed very badly to just be who I was, I immediately rejected all of it, and started making my own rules. It went very well for me, and I was quite pleased. At first, everyone had the sort of response you'd expect: they all thought I was a freak and made me a real outcast. During that time, I noticed that I really rather liked it that way, prefered that they would all stay away and leave me alone. I found myself more able to see them for who they really were, and it made me sick, and I despised all of them. When I got over that, I actually felt pity for them and the fact that they were led blindly into such a misguided worldview. But, hey, they could have chosen to look at it and analyze it the way I did, but they didn't, so, not my fault.
Eventually, a very strange thing happened: I was such a freak, that after about a year, they all got interested in getting to know me. I think that in reality many of them believed in god and they were afraid I was some kind of witch or satanist and that I might curse them somehow, so they wanted to get on my good side. But some of them seemed genuinely interested in hearing about my perspective.
Essentially, it all taught me one thing: none of them matter. They never did, they still don't, and they never will. I have always been somewhat of an outcast, always living in my own little world and looking at theirs with the critical eye that they could not, and seeing the silliness of the majority of their beliefs and ideals and behaviors.
For the most part, I have rejected completely all normal, conventional social behaviors, and I have pretty much rejected really ever trying to have friends. I keep my eyes open for the few others out there that might have some clue into the perspective that I share in, but all too often I find that after a bit of conversation, they are not what I thought they were. When it comes down to the details, I have never met anyone that shares similar views as I do, except one person. Sometimes it is a bit depressing because I can't really engage in the sort of conversation about things with the other people in my life that I would like to. I have to present a very shallow version of myself to almost everyone else around me, because, well, they are just too different to appreciate the things I do, they don't contemplate the universe and life the way I do, etc.
Even amongst those that are my "friends", I have always felt pretty much alone in the universe. There are times when I don't, but more often than not, I do. But it's not an unhappy existence. I enjoy and appreciate my life a whole lot. But most people just cannot understand how.
Anyway, I'm rambling again. But I'm glad you have found some confidence in your difference from the norm. There are few of us that do.
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