discovery & recovery
The last two weeks have been quite eye-opening. Now granted, my methods might not have been entirely desirable, but the end justifies the means, right? I sought out to find some answers to some really tough issues. I can’t say I’m surprised at the answers, or even how I came to them. It took placing myself in the middle of a potentially dangerous situation (uh, why don’t I just leave it as “slipping back to my past”) for me to fully close a particular chapter in my life.
I guess you could say I had a revelation of sorts. I realized that the there is a difference between history and the past. History is meant to be remembered from time to time - treasuring the good times and learning from the bad. The past is just that - you can never change the past, nor can you go back to it. What’s done is done and move on with your life. No one said life was fair. It’s the challenges that make life interesting. If everything was “perfect,” there would be no functionality because in order for there to be a functional aspect, there must also be a dysfunctional aspect.
You love many people throughout your life. Friends, family, significant others, etc. But to be “in love,” now that is something rare indeed. It needs to be felt deep within your all. But it also needs to be reciprocated - at the same time, for if it’s not, that feeling will turn to resentment, frustration, and eventually bitter-sweet apathy.
In the last two weeks: My grandmother died and the one person who I least expected to be my rock, was there to help me through everything. I screwed up by spending some time with an old friend, which might have left him with the wrong impression, but I take full responsibility for that and will clear it up as soon as I figure out a way to address it properly. I realized that there comes a point where there are certain things you are not willing to jeopardize just for job. I realized how completely and deeply in love I am with someone that means the world to me. After being in the car for almost 900 miles in a 4-day trip with him and spending the weekend with not just me and my parents, but my sister and grandparents as well? And we’re still on good terms - now that’s saying something!
And so here I am. Where do I go from here? I’ve decided a letter would be the best way for me to talk to my old friend. I have updated my resume and have started the job search process again. And then there is love. And that, my dear readers, is a topic which I will reserve for my book and pen alone tonight. My heart is quite clear on that matter, but my thoughts have way too much to say on the subject than is appropriate to be shared for all the world to read.
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And tonight's song of the night is.....
"Have You Ever?"
--Brandy
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever
Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep