31 Day Meme, Day 6
6. Your 5 senses right now
Uh, the same five I always have? This is a dumb question.
As far as non-meme stuff, here we go:
☁ My certificate of residence for school has been acquired. I had to spend more time dealing with my mother than I would've liked in order to accomplish this, but whatever, it's done. Now I can pay my bill for school. The plan is to deal with that tomorrow.
☁ Saw an apartment Saturday. Good location, big room, roommates are not super neat freaks, gay friendly, super cute kitten (who spent most of the time pretending that I was a good climbing tree. Good thing I wore jeans. XD The guy was like, "wow, she really likes you already.") It's at the top of my "I can afford this" range, but I'm not sure I'm going to get much better because rent is freaking ridiculous here. He's still showing the apartment, so we'll see what happens. I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm going to text him tomorrow and see what's going on. In the meantime... I should probably make some more phone calls tomorrow too. Ungh. I want to do that about as much as I want a hole in my head. I fucking hate calling people, and of course most of these are like "phone calls only!" YOU GUYS SUCK.
☁ Need to go to old work and talk to Dave about saving boxes for me. Even if I wasn't planning on moving, I would probably still do this, because I'm at a point where I just feel like I'm moving things back and forth to and from the same places in my room, and getting stuff put away in boxes would at least let me put things away neatly in an orderly way instead of haphazardly thrown everywhere.
☁ Talked to Erin the other day, which was... interesting. Not in a good way. While she understands why I need to move out, I got a guilt trip about timing and how Mom's going to lose the apartment without me and then will blame me for it. I'm like... okay, first of all, the way my mother's going? She's going to lose the apartment ANYWAY. She orders food all the time, buys random shit, and then doesn't pay rent. And since she doesn't feel the need to open mail from the rental office and doesn't pass on any of the information when she does, she would likely be like, oh by the way, we're getting evicted and we have to be out in three days. I don't need that bullshit. Why should I have to go down with her? Second of all, it's not MY fault that when my mother initially signed the lease for this place, she knew she couldn't afford it- she factored in what she'd be getting from me every month. Which has a great deal to do with why I'm still here, because I -know- she can't afford it if I leave. She never could. It was ALWAYS beyond her means. Well, with her spending anyway. Even after taxes, and after all the time she took off last year, she still made well over twice what I made when I was working full time at my old job. So I'm not convinced that she couldn't do it, with some budgeting. Anyway. Third of all, as far as Mom blaming me for losing the apartment- and? Is that supposed to deter me? I avoid talking to her as much as humanly possible as it is, and I have every intention of blocking her number when I leave. I'm not dealing with it. I'm fully aware that she will likely never forgive me for moving out. Erin was acting like I hadn't thought about any of this, but I have, AT LENGTH. I'm aware of the consequences of my actions. It's not like I don't feel badly about it, I do. I want it to be different. If my mother was even TRYING to cut back her spending, things might be different, but she's not. This ship is sinking, and I'd like to get out before it does. I do not want to be homeless. My first responsibility is to myself and my own well-being, and there's no reason I should be expected to sacrifice that because my mother is irresponsible. Honestly, I think that Erin has no idea how bad it's gotten, not really, and her trying to give me a fucking guilt trip was NOT appreciated.
The other thing that was interesting, and not in a good way- I think I told you guys that my mother asked me to take out a bank loan to give her, to which I basically said "are you fucking kidding me?" I'm living off student loans as it is, which I'll probably be paying off until I die, okay? Even if I could get a loan, which I probably can't, I really don't need to be adding to my debt right now. It's part of the whole thing where my mother thinks that I have all this money that I'm holding back from her just to be mean. Not to mention that even if I did get the money, I would NEVER get paid back and it would basically be the equivalent of throwing money into a black hole, which I can't afford to do. So okay. Erin is in a pretty bad financial situation right now (partially of her own doing, partially her boyfriend's doing, and partially circumstances, from what I can figure). It's probably going to be better in 2-3 months, but that doesn't pay her bills NOW. Apparently, one of my mother's brilliant suggestions was insisting that Erin ask me to get a loan for her. She told Erin, "she won't do it for me, but maybe she'll do it for you." And Erin was telling me that she knew I couldn't and that she was only even saying anything to shut her up. I'm just like... no. Fuck no. I mean. I feel badly, I really do, and if I could, I would, but I -can't-. On so many levels I can't. And it infuriates me that my mother thinks that I can, that I'm holding back from her, that I'm secretly rolling in it and am not sharing just to be an asshole. Financial aid doesn't really work like that, Mom, seriously. It's not like they give you a ton of money. You get what they assume you need for the year for school expenses and a basic allowance to pay rent and eat off of, and that's about IT. JFC, I'm pretty sure she's getting more from disability than I'm getting for school. I just. ajdklsajdklsa.
☁ Oh yeah, and did I mention that classes start again on the 26th and I'm both freaked the hell out about it and can't wait to go back? Need to get sleep back in order. It was better and then it wasn't, sooooo.
☁ So basically, long story short, I'm super stressed/anxious about EVERYTHING and trying to keep up with my daily cleaning sessions and mostly failing, so. On the upside, it does look considerably better just from what I did today?
☁ I've also been working on a random fic bit I found in my bunny folder. I... don't even know how this happened. But yay writing?
---
This has been crossposted to my DW account. You are free to comment either here or there, if you'd like to comment. Preferably here, but it doesn't really matter. Whichever one works for you. :D
Uh, the same five I always have? This is a dumb question.
As far as non-meme stuff, here we go:
☁ My certificate of residence for school has been acquired. I had to spend more time dealing with my mother than I would've liked in order to accomplish this, but whatever, it's done. Now I can pay my bill for school. The plan is to deal with that tomorrow.
☁ Saw an apartment Saturday. Good location, big room, roommates are not super neat freaks, gay friendly, super cute kitten (who spent most of the time pretending that I was a good climbing tree. Good thing I wore jeans. XD The guy was like, "wow, she really likes you already.") It's at the top of my "I can afford this" range, but I'm not sure I'm going to get much better because rent is freaking ridiculous here. He's still showing the apartment, so we'll see what happens. I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm going to text him tomorrow and see what's going on. In the meantime... I should probably make some more phone calls tomorrow too. Ungh. I want to do that about as much as I want a hole in my head. I fucking hate calling people, and of course most of these are like "phone calls only!" YOU GUYS SUCK.
☁ Need to go to old work and talk to Dave about saving boxes for me. Even if I wasn't planning on moving, I would probably still do this, because I'm at a point where I just feel like I'm moving things back and forth to and from the same places in my room, and getting stuff put away in boxes would at least let me put things away neatly in an orderly way instead of haphazardly thrown everywhere.
☁ Talked to Erin the other day, which was... interesting. Not in a good way. While she understands why I need to move out, I got a guilt trip about timing and how Mom's going to lose the apartment without me and then will blame me for it. I'm like... okay, first of all, the way my mother's going? She's going to lose the apartment ANYWAY. She orders food all the time, buys random shit, and then doesn't pay rent. And since she doesn't feel the need to open mail from the rental office and doesn't pass on any of the information when she does, she would likely be like, oh by the way, we're getting evicted and we have to be out in three days. I don't need that bullshit. Why should I have to go down with her? Second of all, it's not MY fault that when my mother initially signed the lease for this place, she knew she couldn't afford it- she factored in what she'd be getting from me every month. Which has a great deal to do with why I'm still here, because I -know- she can't afford it if I leave. She never could. It was ALWAYS beyond her means. Well, with her spending anyway. Even after taxes, and after all the time she took off last year, she still made well over twice what I made when I was working full time at my old job. So I'm not convinced that she couldn't do it, with some budgeting. Anyway. Third of all, as far as Mom blaming me for losing the apartment- and? Is that supposed to deter me? I avoid talking to her as much as humanly possible as it is, and I have every intention of blocking her number when I leave. I'm not dealing with it. I'm fully aware that she will likely never forgive me for moving out. Erin was acting like I hadn't thought about any of this, but I have, AT LENGTH. I'm aware of the consequences of my actions. It's not like I don't feel badly about it, I do. I want it to be different. If my mother was even TRYING to cut back her spending, things might be different, but she's not. This ship is sinking, and I'd like to get out before it does. I do not want to be homeless. My first responsibility is to myself and my own well-being, and there's no reason I should be expected to sacrifice that because my mother is irresponsible. Honestly, I think that Erin has no idea how bad it's gotten, not really, and her trying to give me a fucking guilt trip was NOT appreciated.
The other thing that was interesting, and not in a good way- I think I told you guys that my mother asked me to take out a bank loan to give her, to which I basically said "are you fucking kidding me?" I'm living off student loans as it is, which I'll probably be paying off until I die, okay? Even if I could get a loan, which I probably can't, I really don't need to be adding to my debt right now. It's part of the whole thing where my mother thinks that I have all this money that I'm holding back from her just to be mean. Not to mention that even if I did get the money, I would NEVER get paid back and it would basically be the equivalent of throwing money into a black hole, which I can't afford to do. So okay. Erin is in a pretty bad financial situation right now (partially of her own doing, partially her boyfriend's doing, and partially circumstances, from what I can figure). It's probably going to be better in 2-3 months, but that doesn't pay her bills NOW. Apparently, one of my mother's brilliant suggestions was insisting that Erin ask me to get a loan for her. She told Erin, "she won't do it for me, but maybe she'll do it for you." And Erin was telling me that she knew I couldn't and that she was only even saying anything to shut her up. I'm just like... no. Fuck no. I mean. I feel badly, I really do, and if I could, I would, but I -can't-. On so many levels I can't. And it infuriates me that my mother thinks that I can, that I'm holding back from her, that I'm secretly rolling in it and am not sharing just to be an asshole. Financial aid doesn't really work like that, Mom, seriously. It's not like they give you a ton of money. You get what they assume you need for the year for school expenses and a basic allowance to pay rent and eat off of, and that's about IT. JFC, I'm pretty sure she's getting more from disability than I'm getting for school. I just. ajdklsajdklsa.
☁ Oh yeah, and did I mention that classes start again on the 26th and I'm both freaked the hell out about it and can't wait to go back? Need to get sleep back in order. It was better and then it wasn't, sooooo.
☁ So basically, long story short, I'm super stressed/anxious about EVERYTHING and trying to keep up with my daily cleaning sessions and mostly failing, so. On the upside, it does look considerably better just from what I did today?
☁ I've also been working on a random fic bit I found in my bunny folder. I... don't even know how this happened. But yay writing?
---
This has been crossposted to my DW account. You are free to comment either here or there, if you'd like to comment. Preferably here, but it doesn't really matter. Whichever one works for you. :D