Having considered the situation, due to a question posed by someone in a position to ask it of me without sending me anew into the spiral of self-recrimination that is my relationship history, I have one more bit of the "what I want/need" puzzle.
One of my primary problems is: I *need* someone who isn't me. In this case, someone who acts rather than thinks.
So, a new problem. I have no appeal to people who act on impulse. Anyone whos want me is one of those who've sat and thought about it (at some point, perhaps not even consciously).
In retrospect, that makes sense. Credit to Radiohead: I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. I'm more than skin deep - and glad of it. I look intense and need to be known and there are so many things wrong with me until there's occasion to realize that wrong can be contextual.
I'm not being self-derogatory; that's just how things are. I can't help the fact that eye contact with me makes people uncomfortable. I just deal with it. Most of the time.
And I need someone who can see through me before the context is known. Someone who can recognize the pattern without the details. And definitely *not* someone who sees me as a bastion of stability; anyone who knows me who might read this could possibly understand: if I balance, it's moment to moment. I can dance the dance with someone who already understands the rhythm, but I can't keep more than myself upright on a regular basis.
And, that aside - it would really be nice if, now and then, someone MY AGE decided I was worth a fucking consideration. I'd like to have someone want to go to a bar with me who was legally allowed to drink there.
Seriously. WTF. I'm pretty much the same as in high school - why did high schoolers wait until now to suddenly think I'm sexy? It's like I'm jailbait bait.