(no subject)
This is the only place I'm going to write about this, as nobody even remotely connected to it is going to see this and feel pity for me, or judge me, or know how bad stuff like this hits me.
There is, apparently, a translation seminar that one of our teachers holds, and most of our teachers go there, and some ex-students and other translators. And two weeks ago she told us about it and invited us - Swedish third-year students - to it. Sadly, she could only take two, so we would have to compete - translate a piece of text.
I didn't pass.
I don't know how to start about all this. First, I'm very sensitive when it comes to translating, which comes from two facts: a) I'm not good enough and I know it very well, b) sometimes I really feel as if I'm getting better, and sometimes other people praise my translation which doesn't help.
Moreover, it's the only thing which I feel like I'm constantly getting better at (others are just learning more tricks - like photoshop) and for which I feel the slightest ~talent. I'm inclined towards anything and I want to do everything; more than that, I can do practically everything - but only this good, never extraordinarily. And I've gotten used to that long ago. It's fine.
So understanding I'm still so very not good enough - and it wasn't some high-rate competition, it was my own uni fellows, - and even more, the fact that I /know/ I could do better, but - here is the place where I could blame it on too many translations, on being tired etc. etc. and - but I won't. I didn't succeed.
Second, the seminar sounded like all my dreams coming true. I'm very... passionate about translating; I'm not saying other people are not, and I couldn't know that about my uni fellows, but... I yearned for this. This was a place where I could share my translation problems and get advice, and hear about others. Discuss this stuff with people who /know/. And, of course, get better. I held a translating seminar at this year's Slashcon and it was so fun; of course, there are some problems that are different between professional and amateur translators, but more are similiar than we would imagine, I think. Nevermind that. (She says that we'll get more chances later and so on, but.)
And I didn't get the place; I wasn't even second best. I could do better; I didn't put enough effort into it; I thought my average level would be enough - it wasn't. I was arrogant and self-assured, and that's disgusting. I wasn't good enough and I still am not.
This is the kind of thing that makes you lose your spirit.
Spent half the day wallowing in misery as a result, with little things cheering me up for a couple of minutes, and then everything reminding me of my failure once again. Finally Nordic lit and talking with O.S. got my spirits up a little.
I still want to cry just thinking about it. I didn't realise how important it would be.
I wish I could tell it to one of the professors, to someone who could really calm me down and explain how it's not the end of the world. Fellow students, parents and friends - I don't think I could listen to them right now, pretty much for the reasons I listed in the first paragraph. I would like to talk to a person who could admit that I was wrong and I am indeed not good enough, but I am getting slightly better all the time, and somebody is going to acknowledge it sooner or later. Who would not console me but acknowledge my failure, but say that there is hope for me because I'm not so sure anymore.
I hope I can say my part and listen to all that without crying, if it ever comes to that.
There is, apparently, a translation seminar that one of our teachers holds, and most of our teachers go there, and some ex-students and other translators. And two weeks ago she told us about it and invited us - Swedish third-year students - to it. Sadly, she could only take two, so we would have to compete - translate a piece of text.
I didn't pass.
I don't know how to start about all this. First, I'm very sensitive when it comes to translating, which comes from two facts: a) I'm not good enough and I know it very well, b) sometimes I really feel as if I'm getting better, and sometimes other people praise my translation which doesn't help.
Moreover, it's the only thing which I feel like I'm constantly getting better at (others are just learning more tricks - like photoshop) and for which I feel the slightest ~talent. I'm inclined towards anything and I want to do everything; more than that, I can do practically everything - but only this good, never extraordinarily. And I've gotten used to that long ago. It's fine.
So understanding I'm still so very not good enough - and it wasn't some high-rate competition, it was my own uni fellows, - and even more, the fact that I /know/ I could do better, but - here is the place where I could blame it on too many translations, on being tired etc. etc. and - but I won't. I didn't succeed.
Second, the seminar sounded like all my dreams coming true. I'm very... passionate about translating; I'm not saying other people are not, and I couldn't know that about my uni fellows, but... I yearned for this. This was a place where I could share my translation problems and get advice, and hear about others. Discuss this stuff with people who /know/. And, of course, get better. I held a translating seminar at this year's Slashcon and it was so fun; of course, there are some problems that are different between professional and amateur translators, but more are similiar than we would imagine, I think. Nevermind that. (She says that we'll get more chances later and so on, but.)
And I didn't get the place; I wasn't even second best. I could do better; I didn't put enough effort into it; I thought my average level would be enough - it wasn't. I was arrogant and self-assured, and that's disgusting. I wasn't good enough and I still am not.
This is the kind of thing that makes you lose your spirit.
Spent half the day wallowing in misery as a result, with little things cheering me up for a couple of minutes, and then everything reminding me of my failure once again. Finally Nordic lit and talking with O.S. got my spirits up a little.
I still want to cry just thinking about it. I didn't realise how important it would be.
I wish I could tell it to one of the professors, to someone who could really calm me down and explain how it's not the end of the world. Fellow students, parents and friends - I don't think I could listen to them right now, pretty much for the reasons I listed in the first paragraph. I would like to talk to a person who could admit that I was wrong and I am indeed not good enough, but I am getting slightly better all the time, and somebody is going to acknowledge it sooner or later. Who would not console me but acknowledge my failure, but say that there is hope for me because I'm not so sure anymore.
I hope I can say my part and listen to all that without crying, if it ever comes to that.