Never A Clean Break
Oh look at that...Verity's written Gale/Randy RPS again...go figure!
It had started out as a friendship.
When you spent the vast majority of a day naked with someone then friendships are going to be formed. It helped that Gale was a fascinating person that was passionate about the things he loved, fiercely loyal, and he made Randy laugh in a way that he hadn’t laughed in for a very long time.
Randy wasn’t stupid. He knew that Gale was straight, he also know that if he let himself, he would fall head over heels, can’t eat, can’t sleep, you’re all I think about in love with Gale Harold, and that was not going to happen. Randy may have been sure of who he was, but he wasn’t going to let one guy with the most intense gaze Randy had even seen, pick him up, spin him around and dump him on the ground in a heap.
Randy wasn’t sure when it started but he began to feel Gale’s eyes on him when they weren’t needed. Gale’s eyes on Randy, not Brian’s eyes on Justin. It was such a tiny difference when Gale would look at him on set. But there was something in his gaze that made Randy know it was Gale, not Brian. It made Randy’s heart rate pick up, trip hammer in his chest. And if the scene was ruined by Randy forgetting his words, no one was any the wiser.
They started hanging out more too. Gale suggesting drinks, looking a little deflated if Peter or Hal tagged along at the end of a particularly hard days filming. Gale’s leg brushing up against Randy’s in the bar, pressed together under tables and Randy could have, if he wanted to, put it all down to the small table, or the way that Gale’s eyes looked slightly glazed over and the number of shots that had been ordered. But when Gale’s hand brushed against his thigh and Randy turned to him, noticed the way Gale’s jaw muscles quivered, Randy knew it was on purpose.
It took him a further three weeks to figure out what that meant though. And even then it was only because Gale had come over, stood awkwardly in Randy’s tiny apartment, said “fuck it” and crowded into Randy’s personal space, cupped his face and kissed him like it was the only thing that mattered in that minute. It was after filming the scene that had taken so much out of Gale, the scene that had left Justin broken and bleeding on the concrete floor.
“I kept thinking...” Gale had muttered, spilling the words into Randy’s mouth, almost like he was trying to get Randy to see, to understand what was going on in his head. “Every time I close my eyes Rand...” He said. And Randy held him close, wound his fingers into Gale’s hair as Gale kissed him like there was no tomorrow.
Gale was intense; people got that from meeting him for two minutes. But they knew nothing of the intense way he would stare at Randy, kiss him, chests pressed together, fingers tangled in hair, in clothing, the way it felt like Randy was dying every time Gale put his hands on him. It was a rush, the secrecy, the clandestine meetings after the day was done, the glances and significant touches that no one else noticed other than Randy, the way Gale’s hands would linger on him, the fact that people thought Gale was a fantastic actor. He was, he acted like there was nothing between them, in public, so well it scared Randy. Made him think that maybe he had dreamt the way Gale had pushed into his apartment and bought him to his knees the night before. Or the fact that Gale had left bruises on his hips. Randy pressed his fingers to them just to make sure it was real, to ground him, because he felt like flying when Gale smiled at him.
Randy was terrified. Terrified of falling too hard for Gale, in a world where Gale was straight and Gale couldn’t admit to anything, falling for him would be bad news. But in reality, Randy already knew he was there. So helplessly in love with him that he couldn’t see how the hell he would ever be able to breathe without him.
Gale loved him. It wasn’t just the desperate hope of someone in love with the wrong person. Randy knew. He could feel deep down in his bones, feel it when Gale touched him, fingers sliding over skin, could feel it in his stomach when he caught Gale looking at him, Gale’s eyes going soft as Randy’s vision went blurry around the edges when Gale smiled, embarrassed at being caught. It made it that much harder that Gale refused to say the words out loud though. Like it would make everything real, and they would have to make every thing public and Gale wasn’t ready for that yet. Randy knew that, he accepted it. He thought he was happy with it. But he longed to hear the words fall from Gale’s mouth, whispered against his skin, said out loud in an interview, hell even written on the notes Gale left him when he stole out of Randy’s apartment in the early morning, to cover up the fact they spent the night tangled up in each other. But there was something holding him back and it was slowly killing Randy inside. Maybe it was the fact that Gale was terrified of actually being in love with a man, and having it mean forever.
“It’s only words Rand.” He would say to Randy, and Randy’s smile would falter, just for a second, a flickering of lights and Gale would pull him in, cover his mouth with his own and Randy could feel him trying to work up the courage to say “I love you” out loud.
In the end it was Randy that put a stop to everything.
Sometimes there wasn’t a magical wand that could fix things, no matter how much Randy just wanted to be fixed. Sometimes things stayed broken.
Randy was broken. Gale had made sure of that. Done it in the quiet way a thief steals into your house and breaks your faith in humanity. He’d let himself fall hard and fast for Gale, letting Gale seduce him with words and touches and significant glances that only Randy noticed, promises that Gale couldn’t and wouldn’t fulfil. He’d been spun around, lifted from the ground and twirled in the air, sometimes he had felt like a child on a merry-go round, the earth spinning but his eyes focused on one point, giddy and laughing till he stepped off and fell.
It had taken Gale to say he was straight to the world for the ride to stop, for Randy to come crashing down hard, skinning his knees and heart in the process. For Randy to finally walk out.
Randy had known then that he had to learn to fly by himself, however broken he was. Had to pick himself up not bury his head in the sand over the season break and wait for Gale to come back, to come to his senses and sweep Randy off his feet in a gesture that would have made the noblest knight proud. Randy was just beginning to lift from the ground again, taking the first tentative steps when Simon came into his life. Simon had an easy smile, soft hands and I love you came so easily to him. If Randy closed his eyes, squeezed them tight like a child scared of the monster in his closet, he could almost imagine himself being truly happy with Simon. It was the life he should be living, proud and sure, with a boyfriend who loves him. Not a life hidden in shadows with someone who didn’t know how to admit to caring. It was a mantra he repeated to himself over and over, this is my life, this is what I need.
He tried to ignore the way Gale’s touch still haunted his every waking moment.
And then filming had started again and everywhere he looked was Gale and Randy could feel himself spinning out of control, flying on wings that had only just learnt how to fly again.
People noticed. Saw the way Randy shied away from Gale’s touch when the cameras were off. Randy found it harder to be Justin to be on the receiving end of looks and touches and kisses and he knew it wasn’t for him. He couldn’t feel the slight tremble in Gale’s touch that used to make Randy want to smile.
It took three months of dancing around each other, of moving to music no one else could hear, taking steps that Randy himself didn’t want to learn, for one of them to snap. And ironically it was Gale. Gale who broke the unwritten rule of not spending more than 2 minutes alone together, not touching once the cameras were turned off. His fingers found Randy's skin, touched lightly, hesitantly and Randy wanted to scream, because Gale had never touched him like that. Never touched like he wasn't sure exactly what he was doing. Even the first time he kissed him, pressed Randy back against a wall and kissed, even then Gale was so sure.
“Rand?” Randy shut his eyes against the pounding in his head, the feel of Gale's fingers against the back of his hand. They burned and Randy wanted to shake him off, rub the feeling away. But he held, opened his eyes, found Gale's searching gaze. “Can we...shit.” Gale shut his own eyes then, shook his head once, as if clearing it, took a step back and holds his hand out. Randy didn't miss the slight tremble.
“You're Randy right? I remember reading with you. I'm Gale. Nice to meet you.” Randy eyes prickled with unshed tears as Gale used the exact words he said when they met that first day on set, and Randy clutched his hand, remembering the thrill he felt that first time, the way his skin had felt on fire whenever Gale had touched him.
And like that, they started over.
Small steps, baby steps. And Randy felt like he was learning to fly again. And that he was finally able to breathe again when Gale smiled at him, the easy smile that used to make Randy's heart sing. It didn't take long for the touches to be part of daily life, for Gale's hand to find Randy's skin more often than not. Sometimes in Randy's darker moments he would wonder if he was just beginning the cycle again, if Gale was going to break his heart again and leave him broken. But then Gale would touch him, would bring him out of the dark with a smile and a laugh, a drink, thighs pressed together under small tables, fingers grazing over the back of his neck as Gale laughed Peter.
Simon, sweet Simon who gave Randy everything he needed, but not the one thing he wanted, grew cold, angry, resentful of Gale and Randy couldn't find it in his heart to blame him, to get angry back, just watched with sad eyes and a heavy heart as Simon packed his things, life going into boxes, and left. Gale was there within hours, bottle of alcohol clutched in his hands, small smile on his face. Randy hadn't missed the almost pleased expression his face at the lack of Simon's things. Randy just thought it looked like Simon had never been there.
If he thought hard enough, it almost hurt.
But Gale was there, with smiles and touches, and alcohol on his breath, and Randy hated himself for not falling apart. It was like this was how it was meant to be. Gale and Randy. Randy hopelessly in love with Gale again, and Gale spending too much time looking at Randy. It was like this is how Randy was meant to live his life.
Then they got the news that they were finishing the series and Randy's world came crashing down.
Gale was drunk, words spilling, tripping from his mouth. Everyone was drunk but Randy only had eyes for Gale, watching out of the corner of his eyes, like always, Gale always in the corner of his vision, of his thoughts, always there. Randy had put on a brave face, smiled at the right words, laughed at the right jokes, but always watched Gale.
It was like they were circling each other. Testing the waters and Randy couldn't stand it. He hated uncertainty, hated not knowing exactly what was going on and with Gale he had never known. Never fully understood what Gale thought. They were dancing again, only this time it felt like they were dancing towards something, not away from it.
Gale's hand found its way to Randy's neck, fingers curling into his hair, longer than it was the first time around and Randy suppressed the urge to lean back into him, to give up and give in and accept that Gale is all he needs.
“Randy...” There was something under Gale's words, something pleading and full of apologies, that made Randy turn, wind his fingers into Gale's. Randy felt the merry go round start spinning slowly again when Gale pulled him close and kissed him like he did all those years ago. Whispered words against his lips made Randy close his eyes, pull Gale closer, shut the rest of the world out, the clinking glasses and distant laughs from the party fade into the background when Gale's hands framed his face.
“I love you.”
Randy had skinned knees and a scarred heart, but the world was still spinning and Randy could breathe again.
It had started out as a friendship.
When you spent the vast majority of a day naked with someone then friendships are going to be formed. It helped that Gale was a fascinating person that was passionate about the things he loved, fiercely loyal, and he made Randy laugh in a way that he hadn’t laughed in for a very long time.
Randy wasn’t stupid. He knew that Gale was straight, he also know that if he let himself, he would fall head over heels, can’t eat, can’t sleep, you’re all I think about in love with Gale Harold, and that was not going to happen. Randy may have been sure of who he was, but he wasn’t going to let one guy with the most intense gaze Randy had even seen, pick him up, spin him around and dump him on the ground in a heap.
Randy wasn’t sure when it started but he began to feel Gale’s eyes on him when they weren’t needed. Gale’s eyes on Randy, not Brian’s eyes on Justin. It was such a tiny difference when Gale would look at him on set. But there was something in his gaze that made Randy know it was Gale, not Brian. It made Randy’s heart rate pick up, trip hammer in his chest. And if the scene was ruined by Randy forgetting his words, no one was any the wiser.
They started hanging out more too. Gale suggesting drinks, looking a little deflated if Peter or Hal tagged along at the end of a particularly hard days filming. Gale’s leg brushing up against Randy’s in the bar, pressed together under tables and Randy could have, if he wanted to, put it all down to the small table, or the way that Gale’s eyes looked slightly glazed over and the number of shots that had been ordered. But when Gale’s hand brushed against his thigh and Randy turned to him, noticed the way Gale’s jaw muscles quivered, Randy knew it was on purpose.
It took him a further three weeks to figure out what that meant though. And even then it was only because Gale had come over, stood awkwardly in Randy’s tiny apartment, said “fuck it” and crowded into Randy’s personal space, cupped his face and kissed him like it was the only thing that mattered in that minute. It was after filming the scene that had taken so much out of Gale, the scene that had left Justin broken and bleeding on the concrete floor.
“I kept thinking...” Gale had muttered, spilling the words into Randy’s mouth, almost like he was trying to get Randy to see, to understand what was going on in his head. “Every time I close my eyes Rand...” He said. And Randy held him close, wound his fingers into Gale’s hair as Gale kissed him like there was no tomorrow.
Gale was intense; people got that from meeting him for two minutes. But they knew nothing of the intense way he would stare at Randy, kiss him, chests pressed together, fingers tangled in hair, in clothing, the way it felt like Randy was dying every time Gale put his hands on him. It was a rush, the secrecy, the clandestine meetings after the day was done, the glances and significant touches that no one else noticed other than Randy, the way Gale’s hands would linger on him, the fact that people thought Gale was a fantastic actor. He was, he acted like there was nothing between them, in public, so well it scared Randy. Made him think that maybe he had dreamt the way Gale had pushed into his apartment and bought him to his knees the night before. Or the fact that Gale had left bruises on his hips. Randy pressed his fingers to them just to make sure it was real, to ground him, because he felt like flying when Gale smiled at him.
Randy was terrified. Terrified of falling too hard for Gale, in a world where Gale was straight and Gale couldn’t admit to anything, falling for him would be bad news. But in reality, Randy already knew he was there. So helplessly in love with him that he couldn’t see how the hell he would ever be able to breathe without him.
Gale loved him. It wasn’t just the desperate hope of someone in love with the wrong person. Randy knew. He could feel deep down in his bones, feel it when Gale touched him, fingers sliding over skin, could feel it in his stomach when he caught Gale looking at him, Gale’s eyes going soft as Randy’s vision went blurry around the edges when Gale smiled, embarrassed at being caught. It made it that much harder that Gale refused to say the words out loud though. Like it would make everything real, and they would have to make every thing public and Gale wasn’t ready for that yet. Randy knew that, he accepted it. He thought he was happy with it. But he longed to hear the words fall from Gale’s mouth, whispered against his skin, said out loud in an interview, hell even written on the notes Gale left him when he stole out of Randy’s apartment in the early morning, to cover up the fact they spent the night tangled up in each other. But there was something holding him back and it was slowly killing Randy inside. Maybe it was the fact that Gale was terrified of actually being in love with a man, and having it mean forever.
“It’s only words Rand.” He would say to Randy, and Randy’s smile would falter, just for a second, a flickering of lights and Gale would pull him in, cover his mouth with his own and Randy could feel him trying to work up the courage to say “I love you” out loud.
In the end it was Randy that put a stop to everything.
Sometimes there wasn’t a magical wand that could fix things, no matter how much Randy just wanted to be fixed. Sometimes things stayed broken.
Randy was broken. Gale had made sure of that. Done it in the quiet way a thief steals into your house and breaks your faith in humanity. He’d let himself fall hard and fast for Gale, letting Gale seduce him with words and touches and significant glances that only Randy noticed, promises that Gale couldn’t and wouldn’t fulfil. He’d been spun around, lifted from the ground and twirled in the air, sometimes he had felt like a child on a merry-go round, the earth spinning but his eyes focused on one point, giddy and laughing till he stepped off and fell.
It had taken Gale to say he was straight to the world for the ride to stop, for Randy to come crashing down hard, skinning his knees and heart in the process. For Randy to finally walk out.
Randy had known then that he had to learn to fly by himself, however broken he was. Had to pick himself up not bury his head in the sand over the season break and wait for Gale to come back, to come to his senses and sweep Randy off his feet in a gesture that would have made the noblest knight proud. Randy was just beginning to lift from the ground again, taking the first tentative steps when Simon came into his life. Simon had an easy smile, soft hands and I love you came so easily to him. If Randy closed his eyes, squeezed them tight like a child scared of the monster in his closet, he could almost imagine himself being truly happy with Simon. It was the life he should be living, proud and sure, with a boyfriend who loves him. Not a life hidden in shadows with someone who didn’t know how to admit to caring. It was a mantra he repeated to himself over and over, this is my life, this is what I need.
He tried to ignore the way Gale’s touch still haunted his every waking moment.
And then filming had started again and everywhere he looked was Gale and Randy could feel himself spinning out of control, flying on wings that had only just learnt how to fly again.
People noticed. Saw the way Randy shied away from Gale’s touch when the cameras were off. Randy found it harder to be Justin to be on the receiving end of looks and touches and kisses and he knew it wasn’t for him. He couldn’t feel the slight tremble in Gale’s touch that used to make Randy want to smile.
It took three months of dancing around each other, of moving to music no one else could hear, taking steps that Randy himself didn’t want to learn, for one of them to snap. And ironically it was Gale. Gale who broke the unwritten rule of not spending more than 2 minutes alone together, not touching once the cameras were turned off. His fingers found Randy's skin, touched lightly, hesitantly and Randy wanted to scream, because Gale had never touched him like that. Never touched like he wasn't sure exactly what he was doing. Even the first time he kissed him, pressed Randy back against a wall and kissed, even then Gale was so sure.
“Rand?” Randy shut his eyes against the pounding in his head, the feel of Gale's fingers against the back of his hand. They burned and Randy wanted to shake him off, rub the feeling away. But he held, opened his eyes, found Gale's searching gaze. “Can we...shit.” Gale shut his own eyes then, shook his head once, as if clearing it, took a step back and holds his hand out. Randy didn't miss the slight tremble.
“You're Randy right? I remember reading with you. I'm Gale. Nice to meet you.” Randy eyes prickled with unshed tears as Gale used the exact words he said when they met that first day on set, and Randy clutched his hand, remembering the thrill he felt that first time, the way his skin had felt on fire whenever Gale had touched him.
And like that, they started over.
Small steps, baby steps. And Randy felt like he was learning to fly again. And that he was finally able to breathe again when Gale smiled at him, the easy smile that used to make Randy's heart sing. It didn't take long for the touches to be part of daily life, for Gale's hand to find Randy's skin more often than not. Sometimes in Randy's darker moments he would wonder if he was just beginning the cycle again, if Gale was going to break his heart again and leave him broken. But then Gale would touch him, would bring him out of the dark with a smile and a laugh, a drink, thighs pressed together under small tables, fingers grazing over the back of his neck as Gale laughed Peter.
Simon, sweet Simon who gave Randy everything he needed, but not the one thing he wanted, grew cold, angry, resentful of Gale and Randy couldn't find it in his heart to blame him, to get angry back, just watched with sad eyes and a heavy heart as Simon packed his things, life going into boxes, and left. Gale was there within hours, bottle of alcohol clutched in his hands, small smile on his face. Randy hadn't missed the almost pleased expression his face at the lack of Simon's things. Randy just thought it looked like Simon had never been there.
If he thought hard enough, it almost hurt.
But Gale was there, with smiles and touches, and alcohol on his breath, and Randy hated himself for not falling apart. It was like this was how it was meant to be. Gale and Randy. Randy hopelessly in love with Gale again, and Gale spending too much time looking at Randy. It was like this is how Randy was meant to live his life.
Then they got the news that they were finishing the series and Randy's world came crashing down.
Gale was drunk, words spilling, tripping from his mouth. Everyone was drunk but Randy only had eyes for Gale, watching out of the corner of his eyes, like always, Gale always in the corner of his vision, of his thoughts, always there. Randy had put on a brave face, smiled at the right words, laughed at the right jokes, but always watched Gale.
It was like they were circling each other. Testing the waters and Randy couldn't stand it. He hated uncertainty, hated not knowing exactly what was going on and with Gale he had never known. Never fully understood what Gale thought. They were dancing again, only this time it felt like they were dancing towards something, not away from it.
Gale's hand found its way to Randy's neck, fingers curling into his hair, longer than it was the first time around and Randy suppressed the urge to lean back into him, to give up and give in and accept that Gale is all he needs.
“Randy...” There was something under Gale's words, something pleading and full of apologies, that made Randy turn, wind his fingers into Gale's. Randy felt the merry go round start spinning slowly again when Gale pulled him close and kissed him like he did all those years ago. Whispered words against his lips made Randy close his eyes, pull Gale closer, shut the rest of the world out, the clinking glasses and distant laughs from the party fade into the background when Gale's hands framed his face.
“I love you.”
Randy had skinned knees and a scarred heart, but the world was still spinning and Randy could breathe again.