This is new.
Last night I had a very lucid dream about Raun. He had come to visit before the breakup and we were outside in the front yard, on the side where there's a copse of trees and some neat landscaping. It was night and the only light came from the street lamps. He suddenly confessed that his feelings had changed, that he no longer wanted to be with me. I of course was very upset, and the more upset I was, the more cruel he became, laughing and mocking me. Eventually he started walking away from my house, and when I asked him where he was going for the rest of his stay, he just yelled "away!" and walked off. After that the dream got very strange with space stations or something. Oh brain.
Anyway, it was the first dream I've had about him since the whole hullabaloo, at least the first that I really remember. And I think it's proof that my heart has finally let go of any vestiges of the affection I had for him. I still treasure the memories, but I no longer pine for the past or the future that never was.
And that's because I'm finally content with where I am. I'm no longer tortured by what I lost, because what I have is better. I have a job that I like, I'm learning new skills, my boyfriend is fantastic, and on Monday I broke down and adopted a new kitty, who is already the love of my life. His name is Mingus; he's a 5 month old grey tabby with amber eyes and the sweetest, most laid back personality. He is a little cuddlebug. He's named after the winged cat in the new Vertigo comic title "The Unwritten" (who is named after the jazz bassist, Charles Mingus).
SO, I'm no longer bitter about being "stuck" in Greenville. I'm slowly but surely regaining my confidence in relationship matters, i.e. not being so freaked out about the uncertainty of the future. Scott and I may not be together forever, and that's okay. I can hope that things won't end in heartbreak, but all I can do is be proactive and know when to say when...I'm not going to stick around for three or four years just to be dumped.
I cut off my hair and, as cliche as it may be, it really feels like part of a transformation. New me, new hair, new perspective.
I kinda look like Spock's Mom - The Younger Days.
It's pretty sweet.
Anyway, it was the first dream I've had about him since the whole hullabaloo, at least the first that I really remember. And I think it's proof that my heart has finally let go of any vestiges of the affection I had for him. I still treasure the memories, but I no longer pine for the past or the future that never was.
And that's because I'm finally content with where I am. I'm no longer tortured by what I lost, because what I have is better. I have a job that I like, I'm learning new skills, my boyfriend is fantastic, and on Monday I broke down and adopted a new kitty, who is already the love of my life. His name is Mingus; he's a 5 month old grey tabby with amber eyes and the sweetest, most laid back personality. He is a little cuddlebug. He's named after the winged cat in the new Vertigo comic title "The Unwritten" (who is named after the jazz bassist, Charles Mingus).
SO, I'm no longer bitter about being "stuck" in Greenville. I'm slowly but surely regaining my confidence in relationship matters, i.e. not being so freaked out about the uncertainty of the future. Scott and I may not be together forever, and that's okay. I can hope that things won't end in heartbreak, but all I can do is be proactive and know when to say when...I'm not going to stick around for three or four years just to be dumped.
I cut off my hair and, as cliche as it may be, it really feels like part of a transformation. New me, new hair, new perspective.
I kinda look like Spock's Mom - The Younger Days.
It's pretty sweet.