Negative Energy: Fear as a Friend (My early experience)
When I was a teenager, I belonged to a United Methodist Church youth group. Membership in this group was my family’s idea, and I had no choice in the matter. Moreover I had no friends in this group, except for one girl who was friendly towards me.
Meanwhile, the assistant minister had invited a group from a church in Greenwich Village in New York City to come to speak to us. This group lived a radical Christian life style, such that they could be considered an urban commune. Their purpose in speaking to us was to introduce us to different types of Christianity.
The Greenwich Village group spoke to us about serving at soup kitchens and free clinics. They discussed how people should give up everything, and live as Christ would have them live. While presenting their points of view, the group also disparaged our comfortable lifestyle (although youths in our group ranged from the very rich to the very poor). We all had food, clothing, and warm homes while the people that they ministered to did not. Moreover, this group urged us to cast off our mental chains, and embrace their vision of radical Christianity. Their speaking so motivated us that we wanted to experience what they were telling us.
Prompted by our enthusiasm, the assistant minister arranged a trip to their church in New York City. To help us prepare for the experience, the group agreed to return to explain more about themselves. In order for our trip to be successful, this group stressed that we were to completely trust them. To that end, they had us doing trust exercises (such as falling down and expecting people to catch us). Because they wanted us to open up to them, their activities reinforced how closed off from others that we were.
At that point, my contrariness popped up. I decided that since these people were strangers to me, I should not trust them. I became obnoxious and baited them with inane questions. However, they were patient with me, demonstrating a form of “agape love”. However, I was still uncomfortable with them, since I kept feeling defensive towards them.
Then I decided that if my “buddy” went, then I would be safe on the trip. She could be my ally if anything strange should come up. When I found out that she could not go, I panicked. I felt vulnerable at being alone there without anyone to talk to. The activities of this Greenwich Village group had upset me that much. Normally, I am as fearless as they come, but my “gut” kept telling me not to go. I did not know why, but this strange group frightened me. Feeling fearful, I tried to figure out how to get out of going on the trip. My family insisted that I had to go, but I did not feel safe in going, since the only adult on the trip would be the assistant minister. (The assistant minister who oversaw our group later left his position to join the Greenwich Village group.)
Whenever I am placed in a difficult situation by my family, I usually get sick on my stomach and vomit. At that point, my family would leave me alone. The night before leaving on the trip, I vomited on the walls, the rugs, and my family. Since I could not stop retching, my family decided to keep me home instead. As I went to bed, I felt a sense of intense relief come over me.
The next day, the Greenwich Village group came and fetched everyone. After the week was over, they brought everyone back. Except for one boy, the returning teenagers were quiet and subdued. Later two of them ran away to live with the Greenwich Village group. Several others become upset with everyone and everything, and retreated into drugs.
Looking back, I now see that the Greenwich Village group was a cult. This group was seeking vulnerable people to join their cause. They had spent much of their time with us in trying to brainwash us. What triggered intense fear in me was their insistence that we had to totally trust them. In my contrariness, I realized that they had refused to acknowledge any boundaries that we held. My fears had prevented me from being recruited by them.
By listening to my “gut”, I saved myself from considerable mental harm. Given the seemingly lack of interest by the parents and other adults about our mental safety, I felt that I had to cope with the Greenwich Village group on my own. The parents and other adults had trusted the judgment of the assistant minister, which turned out to be faulty. We youths were left open and vulnerable to manipulation, which caused much misery amongst those who went. In my later years, I developed a form of “radar” for cults from this experience, which has served me well.
Meanwhile, the assistant minister had invited a group from a church in Greenwich Village in New York City to come to speak to us. This group lived a radical Christian life style, such that they could be considered an urban commune. Their purpose in speaking to us was to introduce us to different types of Christianity.
The Greenwich Village group spoke to us about serving at soup kitchens and free clinics. They discussed how people should give up everything, and live as Christ would have them live. While presenting their points of view, the group also disparaged our comfortable lifestyle (although youths in our group ranged from the very rich to the very poor). We all had food, clothing, and warm homes while the people that they ministered to did not. Moreover, this group urged us to cast off our mental chains, and embrace their vision of radical Christianity. Their speaking so motivated us that we wanted to experience what they were telling us.
Prompted by our enthusiasm, the assistant minister arranged a trip to their church in New York City. To help us prepare for the experience, the group agreed to return to explain more about themselves. In order for our trip to be successful, this group stressed that we were to completely trust them. To that end, they had us doing trust exercises (such as falling down and expecting people to catch us). Because they wanted us to open up to them, their activities reinforced how closed off from others that we were.
At that point, my contrariness popped up. I decided that since these people were strangers to me, I should not trust them. I became obnoxious and baited them with inane questions. However, they were patient with me, demonstrating a form of “agape love”. However, I was still uncomfortable with them, since I kept feeling defensive towards them.
Then I decided that if my “buddy” went, then I would be safe on the trip. She could be my ally if anything strange should come up. When I found out that she could not go, I panicked. I felt vulnerable at being alone there without anyone to talk to. The activities of this Greenwich Village group had upset me that much. Normally, I am as fearless as they come, but my “gut” kept telling me not to go. I did not know why, but this strange group frightened me. Feeling fearful, I tried to figure out how to get out of going on the trip. My family insisted that I had to go, but I did not feel safe in going, since the only adult on the trip would be the assistant minister. (The assistant minister who oversaw our group later left his position to join the Greenwich Village group.)
Whenever I am placed in a difficult situation by my family, I usually get sick on my stomach and vomit. At that point, my family would leave me alone. The night before leaving on the trip, I vomited on the walls, the rugs, and my family. Since I could not stop retching, my family decided to keep me home instead. As I went to bed, I felt a sense of intense relief come over me.
The next day, the Greenwich Village group came and fetched everyone. After the week was over, they brought everyone back. Except for one boy, the returning teenagers were quiet and subdued. Later two of them ran away to live with the Greenwich Village group. Several others become upset with everyone and everything, and retreated into drugs.
Looking back, I now see that the Greenwich Village group was a cult. This group was seeking vulnerable people to join their cause. They had spent much of their time with us in trying to brainwash us. What triggered intense fear in me was their insistence that we had to totally trust them. In my contrariness, I realized that they had refused to acknowledge any boundaries that we held. My fears had prevented me from being recruited by them.
By listening to my “gut”, I saved myself from considerable mental harm. Given the seemingly lack of interest by the parents and other adults about our mental safety, I felt that I had to cope with the Greenwich Village group on my own. The parents and other adults had trusted the judgment of the assistant minister, which turned out to be faulty. We youths were left open and vulnerable to manipulation, which caused much misery amongst those who went. In my later years, I developed a form of “radar” for cults from this experience, which has served me well.