life in her face
My mom decided to sell the house. We have 3 weeks to get it ready to put on the market, and then cross our fingers it sells quick, and then what. Max and I talked about it again and it turns out we're not on the same page about it, of course, we never are. I was like "what would be too far for you, like, if I found a place I could afford in Oregon City," and he was like "well if it was too far I would just split my time between here and your place," and like, fuck that, I'm not gonna bust my ass and be super poor to have a place big enough for the two of us and him only be there when it's convenient. So whatever, that dream is officially dead. Like what does 8 years even MEAN if you're still in the same mode you've been since high school? I don't want to get married until we've lived together for at least a while, and I hate that it's taking us THIS long. I'm just done with treating our lives like separate entities. I don't want to do this 'what's best for me and my life and what I would be doing if we were not together', because I HAVEN'T been doing it and it's bullshit to talk like I have. I don't know if I would have gone to EOU if we hadn't been together, or if I would have stayed there, but I know I didn't not go just for myself. I want our lives to be affixed, together, and it legitimate for me to make decisions based on him, and I feel like the only way to really do that is to be living together and be mixed up that way. I'm frustrated that it's taking this long, and he's not even AFRAID anymore, it's a money thing, if I could easily support the both of us, we'd be living together tomorrow. I have this bullshit full time job making basically nothing and renting in Portland is such a joke, I just can't do it. It's $800 for the shittiest 1 bedroom apartment in an even remotely decent location! $800! I'm just pissed off. He was like "well once I found out you couldn't afford it I basically just dropped the hope" and I'm angry that it's so easy for him to just drop it. All I want is for him to be upset like I am.
-hannah