Everything's out.
I've been having problems with coping with uni work for the past...few months, actually. I don't know what exactly the problem is. Have I been too lazy, slacking off? Was I stressed more due to the extra class I had last sem? Are my ideas and way of presenting it just too different from what my lecturers' consider ideal?
Then again, maybe I'm just stupid and talentless, and I'm trying to come up with lame excuses to save my own pride.
But who knows, right? Even I don't know what exactly I'm thinking right now.
One thing I do know though. There's a high chance that I may just withdraw myself from my current uni. I don't think I can handle it: the lecturers, the students, the flail-or-drown method I'm forced to use.
My results from last sem are nasty. Except for Communication Principles. *shrugs* I'm too proud to admit it, but I'm forcing myself now to lay this out for anyone to see: I failed a class. Design class, to be exact. I broke down, and Kim had to patch me up.
To shorten the story and drama, I've told my parents how my stand is now. Thankfully, they're not over-reacting or exploding or chopping me down. Cutting me when I've already abused myself with my own low self-esteem isn't a good idea. I don't need anyone else to tell me I'm a disappointment. When I told Raz months ago how scared I was of disappointing people, I wasn't kidding. I fear it completely.
But I digress. My parents are actually approaching me to consider other options. I was already prepared to defend tooth and nail against harsh words of disappointment, but now I find that I don't have to. They're actually talking it out with me. Which is good.
I think this is the first time since forever. I'm really, really glad. It's beyond words.
One option is to withdraw from my current uni & course. I definitely want to get away from my uni now. It's too stressing on me. I always think about how much it's costing my parents to support my education here. My bro and Kim says I'm unnecessarily worrying, because if we had financial problems, my parents would tell me. But I'm paranoid and I keep telling myself that I'm wasting my money. Worthless me is just draining everything.
So if (when) I do withdraw from here, I'm dead set with choosing a public university. It's definitely cheaper. And my dad can retire while still supporting me if I don't pick to continue in a private uni. God knows how many times he's already mentioned that I should graduate faster so he could retire quickly. I guess that's another matter that I decided to carry on my shoulders.
Another thing I should think about is whether I want to continue with Architecture or not. My mother says if I want to, I could even go for Graphics Design, or Game Design if I even want to. The thing is, she's only giving me this option now, and not last year when I was deciding my future. If she'd given me a wider scope of option back then, maybe I wouldn't end up in this pinch. I remember how upset I was when I realised last year how limited my options were. I had to pick something professional, and would give fruit in the future. That was why my desire to take up Psychology was shot down.
Well, for now I'm just going to go over what I think I want. Perhaps I'll continue in Architecture, perhaps not. If not, what else then? It's not as if I trust whatever art skills I have. Even if originally, I had a talent for it, I was never given a chance to develop it further. All that begging for art classes when I was 12 wasn't granted. My confidence with what I can do with it is zero.
I can sing. I'm not used to reading score sheets, but my old violin teacher said my hearing is sharp and sensitive. Kim says I can sing. And it seems as if even my brother thinks so, even if he's never said anything out loud, because we're never honest with each other with how we feel. But like art, I'm not confident with music. 95% chance that I won't pick it as my future career.
What else can I do then? Am I capable of anything else? Maybe...maybe I will stick with Architecture. It seems like a nice combo of Science and Art. Maybe the problems I've been having are because of the place I chose to study at. Without knowing it, I've been trying to cope with both studying, and worrying about intangible problems. Even the crowd at uni makes me feel suffocated. Maybe a change of scenery would do me good.
Maybe maybe maybe. I'm confused, and honestly very scared. I've been such a hopeless disappointment, and I end up wondering how everyone else can manage this stage of life.
I've been bottling this up for a long time. Some of the issues, for as long as since last year. But I didn't tell anyone completely about them. Maybe just bits and pieces. Different issues to different people. My pride didn't allow me to come completely clean with anyone. I was too proud, and I feared what they would think of me. I didn't want them thinking that I was an idiot, a stupid coward.
If any of my friends called me and asked me if I was ok, of course I won't be able to tell them otherwise. I'd say yeah, I'm fine, I'm working it out, don't worry about it. And then I'd change the subject. I'll be putting up a brave front just so that I don't look like an utter weakling.
But admitting all this now...it's a tiny step of courage, isn't it?
Then again, maybe I'm just stupid and talentless, and I'm trying to come up with lame excuses to save my own pride.
But who knows, right? Even I don't know what exactly I'm thinking right now.
One thing I do know though. There's a high chance that I may just withdraw myself from my current uni. I don't think I can handle it: the lecturers, the students, the flail-or-drown method I'm forced to use.
My results from last sem are nasty. Except for Communication Principles. *shrugs* I'm too proud to admit it, but I'm forcing myself now to lay this out for anyone to see: I failed a class. Design class, to be exact. I broke down, and Kim had to patch me up.
To shorten the story and drama, I've told my parents how my stand is now. Thankfully, they're not over-reacting or exploding or chopping me down. Cutting me when I've already abused myself with my own low self-esteem isn't a good idea. I don't need anyone else to tell me I'm a disappointment. When I told Raz months ago how scared I was of disappointing people, I wasn't kidding. I fear it completely.
But I digress. My parents are actually approaching me to consider other options. I was already prepared to defend tooth and nail against harsh words of disappointment, but now I find that I don't have to. They're actually talking it out with me. Which is good.
I think this is the first time since forever. I'm really, really glad. It's beyond words.
One option is to withdraw from my current uni & course. I definitely want to get away from my uni now. It's too stressing on me. I always think about how much it's costing my parents to support my education here. My bro and Kim says I'm unnecessarily worrying, because if we had financial problems, my parents would tell me. But I'm paranoid and I keep telling myself that I'm wasting my money. Worthless me is just draining everything.
So if (when) I do withdraw from here, I'm dead set with choosing a public university. It's definitely cheaper. And my dad can retire while still supporting me if I don't pick to continue in a private uni. God knows how many times he's already mentioned that I should graduate faster so he could retire quickly. I guess that's another matter that I decided to carry on my shoulders.
Another thing I should think about is whether I want to continue with Architecture or not. My mother says if I want to, I could even go for Graphics Design, or Game Design if I even want to. The thing is, she's only giving me this option now, and not last year when I was deciding my future. If she'd given me a wider scope of option back then, maybe I wouldn't end up in this pinch. I remember how upset I was when I realised last year how limited my options were. I had to pick something professional, and would give fruit in the future. That was why my desire to take up Psychology was shot down.
Well, for now I'm just going to go over what I think I want. Perhaps I'll continue in Architecture, perhaps not. If not, what else then? It's not as if I trust whatever art skills I have. Even if originally, I had a talent for it, I was never given a chance to develop it further. All that begging for art classes when I was 12 wasn't granted. My confidence with what I can do with it is zero.
I can sing. I'm not used to reading score sheets, but my old violin teacher said my hearing is sharp and sensitive. Kim says I can sing. And it seems as if even my brother thinks so, even if he's never said anything out loud, because we're never honest with each other with how we feel. But like art, I'm not confident with music. 95% chance that I won't pick it as my future career.
What else can I do then? Am I capable of anything else? Maybe...maybe I will stick with Architecture. It seems like a nice combo of Science and Art. Maybe the problems I've been having are because of the place I chose to study at. Without knowing it, I've been trying to cope with both studying, and worrying about intangible problems. Even the crowd at uni makes me feel suffocated. Maybe a change of scenery would do me good.
Maybe maybe maybe. I'm confused, and honestly very scared. I've been such a hopeless disappointment, and I end up wondering how everyone else can manage this stage of life.
I've been bottling this up for a long time. Some of the issues, for as long as since last year. But I didn't tell anyone completely about them. Maybe just bits and pieces. Different issues to different people. My pride didn't allow me to come completely clean with anyone. I was too proud, and I feared what they would think of me. I didn't want them thinking that I was an idiot, a stupid coward.
If any of my friends called me and asked me if I was ok, of course I won't be able to tell them otherwise. I'd say yeah, I'm fine, I'm working it out, don't worry about it. And then I'd change the subject. I'll be putting up a brave front just so that I don't look like an utter weakling.
But admitting all this now...it's a tiny step of courage, isn't it?