(no subject)
So, I'm thinking I'm gradually getting back to some form of insanity... *OMG!* The stress levels are starting to fade... probably my hormones are getting back to themselves... plus some stressing factors have been settled....
Heh, cutting it this time cause it's long and I gotta say lotsa thingies ... eh, well, y'know the drill...
It was a crazy week... I found myself crying a lot, not sleeping, not eating... Looking back it all seems stupid, but I will write a second issue down below which clarifies things. I found out they weren't gonna pay me right away, if at all... and that they didn't bother to tell me (I mean, won't have a raise...)... it's unfair and all, and so very typical and I really don't even know with whom I can talk to about this since the IT head hates my guts so much... for now I figured I'll wait and prove my worth...
By proving my worth, at least for now I've already begun working at night... This week I accompanied the guy who does the server hardening (sorry if this sounds like a rude word, but it just means making sure they are protected from attacks... *gulp*)... anyway, what was supposed to take 30 mins tops, turned into a 5 hour event with partial successful results...
I went to work as usual... i.e., got up at 5:30 AM, was at work by 7:30, worked till 16:00, went to pick Gal, went straight from kindy to a playground where I met with a friend and her kid and where we let the kids run wild... then, at 18:30 left to go home. The plan was to get back to work by 20:00 so I was planning on leaving at around ten to eight.... but the sys admin called me around 19:10 and asked me to come asap cause things weren't workin' and he wanted to go home already...
I grabbed whatever food I had and went back to work. Was there by 19:30... and stayed there until half past midnight...
This is supposed to be something I will be doin' on a regular basis with the new job so I don't really mind.... but then I had to be back by 7:30 AM at work right the next morning cause I haven't yet moved to the new job and have to keep on doin' my old one till a replacement is found ...
It would have been alright if I had not been so stressed and hadn't slept well the night before... But I was OK durin the day, and then in the evening made the silly mistake of goin' to bed too early... around 20:00... 'course I woke up a bit after midnight, couldn't fall back to sleep till a bit after 4 AM and was a total zombie most of the next day...
The stupid stress at work started cause I had to move to a new place... i.e., not sit in the same floor with the people I used to work with, also far from the rest of my team... I accepted this... but I was stressed over it... The choice was between a tiny cubicle near people who are regulars, or having a new table made and havin' more space to work with, but sitting next to temporary QA workers. I chose the second option but feared feeling lonely...
To compensate, I drove the building secretary crazy with demands to get my new place in good shape... I wanted a shelf, drawers, a cupboard, a big enough desk facing outward so people won't see my monitor screen when they got into the room. I also asked my current boss for more network points, more electrical points, a CD burner and a printer... all cause none of these were there... because the QA people were temps, they had nothing...
I wanted things to be ready for me in advance (I'll explain why later), and well, to those watching from the sidelines it seemed I was pretty demanding and agressive... (I didn't see it that way... I saw myself as bein' organized... *gulp*)
To add to my stress (I was worried the place won't be as good as the one I already had...), I had, logically, assumed I was transferring with my PC(s)... I made the naive comment about this to my current boss and was attacked by him... "These are not your PCs - they belong to the lottery and you can't decide if they should move with you...". I was stunned and upset... and told him it's absurd since all my stuff is already on that PC and why should I have to reinstall things... and he replied that my new job has nothing to do with my old job... (which is wrong...) and that he might want to give my PC to the new guy... I was pretty pissed by then... still, I suggested I'd install the new guy's PC if that's the whole issue... but he just said he hadn't made up his mind and he didn't like the fact that I had already decided... So I got upset and said "Fine, take everything!... including my daughter's pictures on the bloody PC..."
A couple of days later he came and said he realised I was right and that it's stupid to make me reinsall everything... Well DUH! he only said that because he didn't like the fact that I had decided... and because it was me... and he has the power over me since I have no real backup... It's abuse...
I asked him if I can take my monitor with me... and he said no, unless there's another 17" LCD monitor on the desk I will be moving to cause from now on "the equipment belongs to the desk... not the person..." Again, something he can tell me, the one with no back... It was insulting since I'd waited 4 years to get an LCD monitor, and the permission was granted based on my seniority in the company and he wanted to save it for the new guy on the team ....
I was getting real tired of his stupid attitude. A clerk in every other office got treated better and I had to beg for MY PC and monitor...
Then things began lookin better...
A very nice guy on our floor has to move back to the main lottery building, so his place is to become vacant. Apparently this will happen in about two weeks' time. I asked the building secretary if she won't kill me, but can I please sit instead of this guy once he moved... She did seem to almost turn green... *gulp*... but was very sweet and said "fine, just ask your new boss, the net admin, to write me (her) a letter in this regard with a copy to IThead...".
The net admin and I agreed that since he hates writing letters, that I'll write whatever I need and he will just forward it, so I did that, and he forwarded it...
Then I told my current boss I might not move to the new spot, but I'll move instead of that guy on our floor...
Then he spoke with IThead and came back and said there's a small issue, but it should be OK... He refused to tell me what the issue was...
But I get to know things in my own way. I spoke with our DBA who's the only person the IThead likes, and with whom he confides... It turns out that IThead had decided to move the UNIX admin guy out of the net admin guy's room so that I can sit with the net admin (my new boss), and that the UNIX guy will sit in the place I wanted, thus bein' closer to his boss, the DBA... Sorta uniting families...
It's just about final, but I will believe it once this happens... UNIX guy wasn't happy at all, and I felt guilty, yet... relieved... it all worked out for the best. I think that IThead was tryin' to get me to sit with the net admin all along, but he had no where to move the UNIX guy cause one girl on our floor refused to give up her cubicle... and when this sudden vacancy came to be, it was like a gift to him...
OK... I'm certain nobody read this... but I had to write it... BAHHHH *gulp*
This sorta relates to what I wrote in the first cut, but it also relates to many things about me that I'd written over the years in blogs.
I am a pretty stressed person and I'm also never very content... I dunno exactly why, but I am...
Yesterday was my nephew's birthday party and my sister invited the close family for a BBQ - the close family includes the family of her hubby's former girlfriend who was killed in the line of duty in a terrorist attack. The mother of the girlfriend has turned into another mother to my sister and her hubby and she and her family are lovely people.
She's very easy to talk to and very easy to open up to and so we were sitting there and discussing things. Her younger daughter had recently become a mother herself and we were all talkin' about motherhood and such. I had casually mentioned how hard it was for me to make the decision to become a mommy cause I feared the change it meant... and how, in essence, this made me ready to accept the changes cause i knew what to expect...
So she stared at me and said she had never expected me to be such a calculated person who lives her life through planning. She'd assumed I was similar to my sister...she said that my sister is very organized and plans ahead, but it's cause she knows things weren't work if it wasn't like this, but if she could, she would probably be very spontanuous and have a great time with it... while I, OTOH, won't enjoy this sort of thing...
Boy, did she hit a nerve...
I suddenly looked back and saw that yes... I always needed to plan... I hate afternoons when I don't know what will happen... I fear unstructured days... I hate it when I don't plan and have something to do...
I'm a total control freak... I don't know if my anxiety is when things can't be planned, or I calm my anxieties with planning... I dunno what came first... I dunno why I'm like this... I only know that people don't understand me when I get into this planning frenzy... when I get uptight over, seamlessly, stupid issues like moving one floor, leaving my desk, my PC, my monitor, my tools... People don't get it, and why should they... it's not normal...
I remember myself as a child getting attached to things, upset when my parents decided to redo the toilets and the bathroom to the extent that I had my dad take photos of me with them and I recorded their sounds (yes, officially nuts)...
Anyway, I still don't know what to do about this ... but I had to put it in writing....
OK, finally, some piccies cause I've got some new ones, and it's good to upload stuff to blogs instead of studying for tomorrow's exam *gulp*..
So the first one was taken by my friend and well, both of us actually look decent there and it's rare that there's a photo of me with Gal since I'm usually the one takin' the photos...
Here's she's enjoyin' a pool at a friend's house - she loves pools!
No, she's not shocked... it's just one of her million expressions when she's talkin'... She's pretty hillarious in that sense...
Final one from yesterday, just before my nephew's bday party... this is when I get to dress her up... 'course I take her clothes off when she eats cause she's such a messy eater... Also, she seems to not like havin' her photo taken anymore... which is sad cause she's so damned cute (said the objective mommy...)
OK... and thats' it... took me more than two hours to write... *sheesh*...
Heh, cutting it this time cause it's long and I gotta say lotsa thingies ... eh, well, y'know the drill...
It was a crazy week... I found myself crying a lot, not sleeping, not eating... Looking back it all seems stupid, but I will write a second issue down below which clarifies things. I found out they weren't gonna pay me right away, if at all... and that they didn't bother to tell me (I mean, won't have a raise...)... it's unfair and all, and so very typical and I really don't even know with whom I can talk to about this since the IT head hates my guts so much... for now I figured I'll wait and prove my worth...
By proving my worth, at least for now I've already begun working at night... This week I accompanied the guy who does the server hardening (sorry if this sounds like a rude word, but it just means making sure they are protected from attacks... *gulp*)... anyway, what was supposed to take 30 mins tops, turned into a 5 hour event with partial successful results...
I went to work as usual... i.e., got up at 5:30 AM, was at work by 7:30, worked till 16:00, went to pick Gal, went straight from kindy to a playground where I met with a friend and her kid and where we let the kids run wild... then, at 18:30 left to go home. The plan was to get back to work by 20:00 so I was planning on leaving at around ten to eight.... but the sys admin called me around 19:10 and asked me to come asap cause things weren't workin' and he wanted to go home already...
I grabbed whatever food I had and went back to work. Was there by 19:30... and stayed there until half past midnight...
This is supposed to be something I will be doin' on a regular basis with the new job so I don't really mind.... but then I had to be back by 7:30 AM at work right the next morning cause I haven't yet moved to the new job and have to keep on doin' my old one till a replacement is found ...
It would have been alright if I had not been so stressed and hadn't slept well the night before... But I was OK durin the day, and then in the evening made the silly mistake of goin' to bed too early... around 20:00... 'course I woke up a bit after midnight, couldn't fall back to sleep till a bit after 4 AM and was a total zombie most of the next day...
The stupid stress at work started cause I had to move to a new place... i.e., not sit in the same floor with the people I used to work with, also far from the rest of my team... I accepted this... but I was stressed over it... The choice was between a tiny cubicle near people who are regulars, or having a new table made and havin' more space to work with, but sitting next to temporary QA workers. I chose the second option but feared feeling lonely...
To compensate, I drove the building secretary crazy with demands to get my new place in good shape... I wanted a shelf, drawers, a cupboard, a big enough desk facing outward so people won't see my monitor screen when they got into the room. I also asked my current boss for more network points, more electrical points, a CD burner and a printer... all cause none of these were there... because the QA people were temps, they had nothing...
I wanted things to be ready for me in advance (I'll explain why later), and well, to those watching from the sidelines it seemed I was pretty demanding and agressive... (I didn't see it that way... I saw myself as bein' organized... *gulp*)
To add to my stress (I was worried the place won't be as good as the one I already had...), I had, logically, assumed I was transferring with my PC(s)... I made the naive comment about this to my current boss and was attacked by him... "These are not your PCs - they belong to the lottery and you can't decide if they should move with you...". I was stunned and upset... and told him it's absurd since all my stuff is already on that PC and why should I have to reinstall things... and he replied that my new job has nothing to do with my old job... (which is wrong...) and that he might want to give my PC to the new guy... I was pretty pissed by then... still, I suggested I'd install the new guy's PC if that's the whole issue... but he just said he hadn't made up his mind and he didn't like the fact that I had already decided... So I got upset and said "Fine, take everything!... including my daughter's pictures on the bloody PC..."
A couple of days later he came and said he realised I was right and that it's stupid to make me reinsall everything... Well DUH! he only said that because he didn't like the fact that I had decided... and because it was me... and he has the power over me since I have no real backup... It's abuse...
I asked him if I can take my monitor with me... and he said no, unless there's another 17" LCD monitor on the desk I will be moving to cause from now on "the equipment belongs to the desk... not the person..." Again, something he can tell me, the one with no back... It was insulting since I'd waited 4 years to get an LCD monitor, and the permission was granted based on my seniority in the company and he wanted to save it for the new guy on the team ....
I was getting real tired of his stupid attitude. A clerk in every other office got treated better and I had to beg for MY PC and monitor...
Then things began lookin better...
A very nice guy on our floor has to move back to the main lottery building, so his place is to become vacant. Apparently this will happen in about two weeks' time. I asked the building secretary if she won't kill me, but can I please sit instead of this guy once he moved... She did seem to almost turn green... *gulp*... but was very sweet and said "fine, just ask your new boss, the net admin, to write me (her) a letter in this regard with a copy to IThead...".
The net admin and I agreed that since he hates writing letters, that I'll write whatever I need and he will just forward it, so I did that, and he forwarded it...
Then I told my current boss I might not move to the new spot, but I'll move instead of that guy on our floor...
Then he spoke with IThead and came back and said there's a small issue, but it should be OK... He refused to tell me what the issue was...
But I get to know things in my own way. I spoke with our DBA who's the only person the IThead likes, and with whom he confides... It turns out that IThead had decided to move the UNIX admin guy out of the net admin guy's room so that I can sit with the net admin (my new boss), and that the UNIX guy will sit in the place I wanted, thus bein' closer to his boss, the DBA... Sorta uniting families...
It's just about final, but I will believe it once this happens... UNIX guy wasn't happy at all, and I felt guilty, yet... relieved... it all worked out for the best. I think that IThead was tryin' to get me to sit with the net admin all along, but he had no where to move the UNIX guy cause one girl on our floor refused to give up her cubicle... and when this sudden vacancy came to be, it was like a gift to him...
OK... I'm certain nobody read this... but I had to write it... BAHHHH *gulp*
This sorta relates to what I wrote in the first cut, but it also relates to many things about me that I'd written over the years in blogs.
I am a pretty stressed person and I'm also never very content... I dunno exactly why, but I am...
Yesterday was my nephew's birthday party and my sister invited the close family for a BBQ - the close family includes the family of her hubby's former girlfriend who was killed in the line of duty in a terrorist attack. The mother of the girlfriend has turned into another mother to my sister and her hubby and she and her family are lovely people.
She's very easy to talk to and very easy to open up to and so we were sitting there and discussing things. Her younger daughter had recently become a mother herself and we were all talkin' about motherhood and such. I had casually mentioned how hard it was for me to make the decision to become a mommy cause I feared the change it meant... and how, in essence, this made me ready to accept the changes cause i knew what to expect...
So she stared at me and said she had never expected me to be such a calculated person who lives her life through planning. She'd assumed I was similar to my sister...she said that my sister is very organized and plans ahead, but it's cause she knows things weren't work if it wasn't like this, but if she could, she would probably be very spontanuous and have a great time with it... while I, OTOH, won't enjoy this sort of thing...
Boy, did she hit a nerve...
I suddenly looked back and saw that yes... I always needed to plan... I hate afternoons when I don't know what will happen... I fear unstructured days... I hate it when I don't plan and have something to do...
I'm a total control freak... I don't know if my anxiety is when things can't be planned, or I calm my anxieties with planning... I dunno what came first... I dunno why I'm like this... I only know that people don't understand me when I get into this planning frenzy... when I get uptight over, seamlessly, stupid issues like moving one floor, leaving my desk, my PC, my monitor, my tools... People don't get it, and why should they... it's not normal...
I remember myself as a child getting attached to things, upset when my parents decided to redo the toilets and the bathroom to the extent that I had my dad take photos of me with them and I recorded their sounds (yes, officially nuts)...
Anyway, I still don't know what to do about this ... but I had to put it in writing....
OK, finally, some piccies cause I've got some new ones, and it's good to upload stuff to blogs instead of studying for tomorrow's exam *gulp*..
So the first one was taken by my friend and well, both of us actually look decent there and it's rare that there's a photo of me with Gal since I'm usually the one takin' the photos...
Here's she's enjoyin' a pool at a friend's house - she loves pools!
No, she's not shocked... it's just one of her million expressions when she's talkin'... She's pretty hillarious in that sense...
Final one from yesterday, just before my nephew's bday party... this is when I get to dress her up... 'course I take her clothes off when she eats cause she's such a messy eater... Also, she seems to not like havin' her photo taken anymore... which is sad cause she's so damned cute (said the objective mommy...)
OK... and thats' it... took me more than two hours to write... *sheesh*...