Clamorous Amorous (part 1)
Title: Clamorous Amorous - Chapter One: Feeling Like a Schoolboy (Too Shy and Too Young)
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts/Final Fantasy VII
Rating: R
Summary: Ninja princess + grounded pilot = OMG TRU LUV
Author's Notes: AU. So very, very AU. Having only played Kingdom Hearts, and not the sequel, and having played it years ago, I took some massive liberties with the characters and their circumstances. Yuffie, Cid, et al, are not "new" versions of themselves, but are the Yuffie, Cid, et al, from their original Final Fantasy games. They've been brought to Traverse Town by some unknown force, and are trying to come to terms with their situation to the best of their abilities.
The idea was blatantly stolen from inspired by Guardian1's The Lion In The Meadow. I loved, loved, loved how she used Yuffie's relationship with Leon to explore Yuffie's relationship with Vincent. So, this story assumes that Yuffie and Vincent were together during the events prior to the narrative. Also, as per canon, Cid and Shera were married.
----
I talked to Cid whenever I got an opportunity, because he's one of us and I needed to reminisce with someone other than Aeris - I love her and she's a sweetheart and she's ten times the person I'll ever hope to be and talking with her is like talking to the world's best mom plus a fuzzy kitten plus a unicorn or something - and all that stuff is great, but sometimes I needed to have a conversation with someone who'd swear and curse and stomp around and hate, hate, hate those bastards for not being here. And Aeris can't hate, she just can't, and I can.
So I talked to Cid whenever possible. I'd send him a note, usually, to let him know that he'd have the "closed" sign on the door, because he'll be gone for longer than a cigarette break. Usually we'd swear and curse and stomp around, but sometimes we're not so angry and manage to share inappropriate jokes and get smashed and then go crying back to Aeris who would clean us up and put us to bed. If Leon was around, sometimes he'd have a drink or two, too, and then stand around with a martyr expression on his pretty face while Cid and I got into fist fights and puked our guts out. But Leon's not all bad, not really, and he certainly is a foxy little thing.
So I sent Cid a scribble on a piece of paper and gave it to one of the 6000 puppies that ran around town. Damn puppies were adorable and generally reliable messengers, if you didn't mind slobber all over the paper. Cid, of course, did mind that, but fuck Cid, I liked puppies.
I told Aeris I'd catch up with her later, told Leon to stop being such a goon, and headed over to the building that he'd literally set up shop in.
--
"Remember when we first met? Huh, Cid? And you called Vinnie a 'motherfucking son of a motherfucker' and he got so mad that he turned a pale cream as opposed to the pale white that he usually was?"
Cid cackled, "Hell yeah."
"And then I almost barfed all over him? Good times, good times."
Cid grinned his crooked grin and then stubbed out his cigarette on the bare floor. "He deserved to get puked on, that rat bastard. Maybe it would have broken him in a little."
I pondered and wondered and wondered and pondered and I thought, not for the first time and not for the last time, that I could've. Could've broken him in. I had been getting good, really good, at tugging out his impossible smiles and making him to say sentences with more that five words in them. And then I pondered and wondered and wondered and pondered about failing him, about failing Aeris, about failing Aeris again, and failing everyone else - oh God, Tifa, and Barret, and Denzel, and God oh God Dad and RedandMarleneandRenoandRudeandCaitandandand...
I flopped backwards and spread my arms against the cool floorboards and stared at the ceiling fan until my eyes dried up. "Yeah, too bad I missed my chance. Vomiting on people is a great way to show affection. Actually..." I turned onto my stomach and rested on my elbows, "You know, that tuna salad Aeris made for lunch today isn't really agreeing with me... Blaarrrrrg!" I launched myself at him, doing my best puking imitation.
His reaction was perfect, natch. "Gerroff me, you crazy bitch!" He flailed his arms for a bit and then grabbed onto my elbows in a vain attempt to dislodge me. He failed, of course, because I am an awesome ninja of awesome and thus can kick his ass at any occasion.
I locked my arms around his middle and smushed my face against his side. "Uh oh, Cid," I said, rubbing my nose on his shirt, "I don't feel so - blaaarrrgggg! Tuna salad!"
"Crazy bitch!" He exclaimed again, but this time he was laughing. He pulled me into a head lock, ignored my shrieking vows of death, and pushed his knuckles hard against my scalp. "Of all the goddamn people on the goddamn planet, I get stuck with this mental case."
He always whined about my supposed lack of sanity. "Least I'm not a tub of lard, like some people," I said as my fingers scrambled across his chest. "Gawd, Cid, I can pinch, like, three inches around your waist." And then I did, pinching hard until he yelped and dropped me. "Hey, Fatty," I still had my face scrunched against him and my voice was muffled by all of the shirt that I had in my mouth, but I knew he'd at least get the gist of the insult, "Good thing's Shera's not around or you'd totally flatten her."
"Fuck you," he retorted; Cid's wit was as sharp as ever. He tried to push me out of his lap, but my fingers were still happily squeezing away at his little love handles. "Wench," he sighed. He let go of my arms and searched for his pack of cigarettes. "You plannin' on getting off me anytime soon? Or should we take this upstairs?"
"Gawd, you're such a wanna-be pervert, Gramps," I jammed my fingers hard into his side and felt him tense against the pain. "Like I'd ever get that desperate. 'Sides, I've got Hotty McHotster Leon as a sex slave."
He dug his knuckles into the top of my head again. "You always did like 'em girly."
"We balance each other out," I replied, still prodding his waist, "Since I look like a boy and all."
"I'm still not completely convinced that Valentine wasn't a chick in drag."
"Pervo. I bet you totally wanted to do him. This macho crap just's a cover, right? You're, like, the uber gay fairy fluff bunny. You're wearing women's underwear right now, aren't you?"
He chuckled and tugged on my headband. "You're just lookin' for an excuse to pull my pants down."
"Gawd, whatever. Your gut would come bulging out and suffocate me or something. What have you been doing lately? Eating sticks of butter or something?"
He slouched backwards, leaning against the wall. I looked up at him, but didn't bother to spit out the hunk of shirt that I had started chewing on. He still had one hand on the top of my head, ready to give me another noogie if I deserved it, and with the other he fumbled with his lighter. "Not much else to do around here," he said at last and then blew a cloud of smoke down at me. "Just sit and wait. Sit and fucking wait to die."
Not like dying would bring much of a respite. In Wutai, we have - had, had, past tense - the comforting belief that the dead watched over you, guarding you, and that you'd meet again, someday. And even if we all went into the lifestream rather than becoming spirits, well, that meant that we'd all be there, floating around and shit. But they - Vinnie and Godo and and and - they didn't die as much as they were erased. They weren't dead, they were gone. Gone, gone, gonegonegone. Vincent and his eyes and Godo and his asshattery and Tifa and her big boobs and Marlene and her smile and BarretRedRenotheworldtheworldtheworld... It made it hard to properly mourn them; I couldn't burn insense or make offerings or pray by their graves because there was nothing, nothing there.
Cid started patting my head absently, maybe brushing ashes from my hair or something. "Where will we go?" He asked aloud, thinking the same things I had been thinking. "Shit. What the hell will happen then?"
I didn't have an answer for him, so I distracted him from my ignorance by engaging in a massive coughing fit. I let go of him, grasped my throat, and proceeded to roll around on the ground choking and wheezing. "Air," I gasped and reached toward a window, "It's too late for me, Gramps, go on with out me... Tell my wife I love her..." I made a strangled sort of hack and expired. I'm a damn fine actor, if I do say so myself.
Cid was less impressed. "I'll be damned if I stop smokin' for you," he said with a snort. He gave my corpse a few experimental prods with his foot and then ignored me when I came back to life long enough to tie his shoelaces in a knot.
We sat in comfortable silence; don't let anyone tell you otherwise, I am capable of quiet reflection. I can do it, but most of the time it's boring and gets you nowhere and turns into melancholy and the last thing we need in this world is a depressed Yuffie. And it was getting easier and easier to wander into the realms of regret and self-hatred. We had time, endless minutes and hours to do nothing but think, remember, and cry. We all did a lot of it, me, Aeris, and Leon, and probably Cid, too, though he'd probably strangle himself with his belt before admitting it. Sadness was inescapable, and you can't really expect otherwise when you live in an empty town where it's permanently as dark as night. This is how it had been for Vincent when he had locked himself in his coffin in ShinRa Mansion. Staring into his past and living and re-living his mistakes until his pain was part of him, like an arm or leg. That had beem Vincent.
But he had been beautiful like ice-cold silk, while I was like tangled string or ripped jeans or a melted candle. And he was gone and gone and gone while I was still here, lying in heap on Cid's floor, getting dirty and rubbing holes in my sleeves. "Hey, Cid," I said suddenly and winced at the sound of my way-too-loud voice.
"What?"
"Hey. Everything sucks and this isn't the way it was supposed to be and all, but I'm glad I'm here with you."
Cid snorted again. "Can't say the same."
"Dammit, I'm trying to be serious here. Listen, I love Aeris because she's warm and sweet like cupcakes and I need her like I need a sister. And I need Cloud here, even though he's crazy and bitter and all, because he was our leader, you know? And he's here to lead us, if he ever feels like not being insane anymore. But she's a saint and he's a knight, and I'm a Yuffie. You know?"
"You're Yuffie," he repeated flatly. "Thanks for sharin', 'cause fuck knows that I've been thinkin' you were Barret this whole time."
"Cid, can you stop being an asshole for, like, two minutes? I'm being deep and philosophical."
Cid was quiet for a while and I counted the steady inhale-exhale, inhale-exhale of his breaths. "We're not heroes like them," he said at last, his voice all smoker-husky. "Yeah, I know."
But then I wasn't sure if I knew. I was Yuffie and he was Cid and he wasn't Vinnie and I wasn't Shera, but there was more involved that I just couldn't catch, couldn't grab, couldn't pocket. I rolled around for a bit and then stared up at Cid who seemed to be immensely interested in his burnt-out cigarette butt. And then I added some wiggle to my roll, because keeping my body in motion distracts my brain from evaluating and over-evaluating, but flopping around on the ground wasn't enough to keep a damned, stupid idea from forming in my mind.
I needed Cid, and I'd be willing to bet all the materia in the world that he could use a bit of Yuffie in his life. I need him and his grimaces and his bad attitude and his terrible jokes and his big arms and his long legs and the scrambled eggs he'd make us when Aeris refused to get out of bed and his stories about piloting and his sexist comments and the nasty gin that he was stewing in his bathtub.
There was a grumble from the peanut gallery. Cid pulled a cigarette our from behind his ear and sighed at it before sticking it back from whence it came and rubbing his hands on his knees. "Well, kid, it's gettin' late. I'll see ya-"
I pounced.
Fear me, for I am Yuffie, nerves and muscles of steel. I dug my sneakers into the floorboards, spread my fingers over the dusty wood, and pushed upwards. For the second time that evening, I launched and tackled. Cid, who had been in the process of standing, made a surprised sort of "erk" noise and tumbled over.
See, here's the thing about ninjas. We take down mountains. Impossible, you might be telling yourself. Well, that's because you're a dumbass. It doesn't matter if the ninja is short and all elbows and knees - everyone has their weak spots, places that you can exploit. All you need is to wait for the right moment and an understanding of said certain bodily weaknesses, and mountains will crumble. Mountains, or an old geezer full of grit and grumbles.
Perfect timing? You bet. An understanding of the human body? Well, all I needed to understand at the moment was where Cid's lips were located.
Know what, dear reader? I found them without a hitch.
He tasted like all the sins he was so fond of - smoke and ashe and cheap liquor. His body was hard, coiled up tight like a whip and the scruff on his face scraped my hands where I had grabbed him. When he tipped backwards, I fell with him and he smacked onto the ground and I smacked onto him and it was just as it had to be. You don't kiss Cid Highwind on the beach at sunset or during a waltz with him in a tuxedo and you in an evening gown or under the stars in a field of flowers. If you kiss him, it's going to be on the dusty floor in an accessory shop in a crazy, bassackwards town in the middle of nowhere.
Cid kissed me back, because he's got about as much sense as I do. And then, because he's Cid and I'm Yuffie and we've gone over the deep end and there's no coming back, he cupped my face with his big, calloused hands and made me come closer and kiss harder. He broke away for a moment, both of us gasping a breath of each other's air, and snorted a little, "Heh."
"Go 'heh' yourself," I said back at him. And then we were kissing again and I pushed my hands into his spiky hair and dislodged his stupid goggles that I should've stolen ages ago.
My heart rammed itself against my ribs and my brain exploded into fireworks. This was... This was... This was so different. Cid didn't hesitate and didn't apologize and probably fucked instead of making love. But I wasn't his wife and I never worried about tomorrow and I stole whatever I could, even when it guaranteed trouble. And Vincent had been smooth and made of marble and Cid was rough and about as delicate as granite. And we were a mess, the two of us, and god, where did he learn to kiss like that?
He muttered something against my mouth and then pulled back, resting his head on the floor. "Shit," he commented wisely, "A whole lot of it."
I gasped a little, my lungs quivering as I tried to do the normal thing and breath. And I suddenly realized how much my poor little spaghetti arms were shaking and I collapsed on his chest, digging my chin into his ribs. "I concur," I concurred. I had muddled up everything all over again. Vincent had allowed me to trespass, but that was then when Vincent was Vincent and not a smudge in my memory I was a completely different Yuffie in a completely different world. But now I knew that I needed Cid, needed him as much as Vinnie had needed me (no matter what he said). I was going to get lost, maybe mutate into those crazy Heartless bastards, and unravel, unless I had an anchor. "Look, Cid, I didn't mean - that is, Vinnie -"
"You should go."
"Huh?" I said, because my wit's as sharp as Cid's.
"Now. What, do I stutter? Get the hell off me."
I froze and I bet I made a really ugly expression, because I have a tendency to revert to extreme lame-itude when I desperately need to be cool. And then I got angry. Anyone with half a brain should know that you don't take that tone with a ninja princess extraordinaire. I obeyed his command, but ungraciously: as I climbed off, I used his stomach as a brace for my weight and jammed the heel of my palm downward - why hallo thar, solar plexus!
"Damn kid!" He gasped and sputtered for a bit, all the while sending me evil glares, and then pushed himself up into a standing position.
He wasn't as tall as Vinnie had been, but he still had some considerable height on me. Sucks being 5'3" in a world without high heels. I ignored his tallness and calmly brushed invisible dust from my shorts. "Yeah, well, you deserved it, you jackass," I said, my voice as nonchalant as I could make it. Vincent had never ordered me to leave. "Jackass," I said again, because he was one.
"Stupid brat," he retorted. He rubbed his stomach and grimaced - ha! Fear my fists of fury! "Goddamn tease."
"A tease? Fuck that shit."
"Why the hell did ya do that?"
"Uh, gee and golly, Cid," I rolled my eyes skywards, "Maybe because you're a mean and nasty bastard?"
He looked shocked, absolutely shockingly shocked, as if he simply couldn't believe where I had ever gotten such a crazy, nonsensical, absurd notion into my head. He raked his hands through his hair and then busied himself with lightening another damn cigarette. I watched him warily and inched my way toward the door, because clearly something was wrong with this situation, like the moment in a horror movie that the hero discovers that her lover's a vampire or a werewolf or an ax-murder or something.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"With me? What the hell is wrong with you?" I wrenched open the door and stepped out into the night. "I hate you, Cid Highwind. With the passion of a thousand suns. I thought that maybe you - nevermind. Neverthefuckmind."
"But-"
"Go fuck your buts." I almost laughed at that, but I was too mad. Thanks a lot, Cid, now I was going to have to turn into an moping pile of angst and wear a cloak and drown in a river of tears or something. Cid's rejection hurt, hurt more than it should have - I sometimes like to earn things, not just steal, and I thought that I had won him, won him fair and square, and that we had reached a sort of understanding and come to terms with the fact that we needed to cling to each other or else we'd fall apart and be gone, gone like the rest of them. Score 1 for reality, and big ol' 0 for Yuffie. "Well, time to go kill myself, I guess. Thanks a whole fucking lot."
"Yuffie-"
I stopped, one foot hovering in the air, because he never called me Yuffie. "What?"
"Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ok? But, dammit, you started it."
"Huh?" When they were handing out brains, I was busy waiting in line for a second helping of sassafras. I pivoted around to stare at him again and did my best impression of a cool and classy lady who most certainly knew exactly what was going on.
He huffed on his cigarette and paced for a bit before jabbing a finger in my direction. "Don't play coy with me," he said, his voice so low he was practically growling (dammit, I wish I could do that - curse my lack of testosterone!). "You started it."
I could tell that I was blushing furiously, because I'm never calm and collected. I'm a lot of totally awesome things, but sophisticated is not on the list. "Yeah, so, what of it?"
"Well, don't get pissy!"
"You're some kind of special son of a bitch, Cid." The foot that had previously been hovering in the air came down in an angry stamp. "You could've been nicer about it, you know? My life hasn't been a walk in the park with cookies and butterflies. You should've said something like, 'Oh, Yuffie, you're so fucking cool, but alas, I'm too big of a prick to appreciate your utter rocking-hardcore-ness.' Or, like, 'I'm a fucktard douchebag and don't deserve to breathe the same air as you, thus I respectfully ask you to leave so I may inhale.' Or maybe 'Actually, you were right before. I'm totally gay and have a big man-crush on Sephiroth and am constantly fantasying about buttsex.' Something like that. But no, you had to be a total ass and tear my poor heart to shreds-"
My elite ninja skills had apparently been knocked out of order by my elite ranting skills, because all of a sudden Cid was right smack in front of me and pulling me against him. And then, an ephiphany.
"There. That's why." His voice was low again, dipping down into octaves that I could never hope to reach. It was kind of husky, too, and rough, and it was very very very very - I never thought that I'd attach this adjective to Cid, but sometimes even I get surprised - sexy. "See?"
I didn't really need to see, actually, because the sense of touch is an amazing sense indeed and I realized that Cid had not been as opposed to our make-out session as I had previously thought. "Oh," I said, because there's not to much you can say when someone else's hardness is pressed against your softness and your insides are jumping around like they're standing on hot coals. We had both been idiots, what a surprise, and completely misunderstood each other and everything. He hadn't been pushing me away because he wasn't interested, but because he was very interested. Interested in me.
"Get outta here before I do something stupid."
I should've said something along the lines of "But you're always doing something stupid!" or "Cid, giving good advice? It's a sign of the apocalypse!" but all I could do was pull a Vinnie and stare in silence.
"I'll see ya later. Vamoose."
"Huh? Oh, yeah, ok. Sure. Vamoosing."
Cid grabbed my shoulders and turned me around before giving me a gentle push out the door. I stumbled out into the street, still all boggled and confused and discombobulated. I twisted around to look at him again - Cid was wearing the same sort of baffled and bemused and confounded expression as me. And the our eyes met and and and-
I threw my hands up into the air and whooped. My heart revved into action and pumped adrenaline through my veins, a run-away train zooming down the tracks. From my feet, calves, knees, thighs, hips - all the way up the spine - came a message to the brain to run, run, run. Move, move, move. Step on the gas, Yuffie, and let's go into overdrive. With my hands still waving around my head, I burst into motion and ran in circles around the empty townsquare yelling at the top of my lungs. I looped around, made a figure-eight, and then dashed up the steps and burst through the doors that lead to our section of town and away from Cid's.
My feet stopped moving when I got to our house. The light was off, but I knew that Aeris would still be awake, waiting for me to come home safe and sound before she could fall asleep. Patient Aeris, waiting and waiting and waiting and loving and loving and loving even though she received nothing in return.
Fidelity that could never I achieve.
My hand fell from the doorknob and I stumbled backwards. Waiting and waiting and waiting and loving and loving and loving, even when she had gotten married and become pregnant and watched as her husband had killed him. Holding on, even after pain and torture and death. Denying himself the smallest of pleasures, making me steal what I should have been given freely. His love had been eternal, not like my flimsy dedication.
And then there was me, me with my runny nose and scabbed knuckles and messy hair and unfaithful heart.
I scrambled up the side of the building, scraping my fingers on the window sill and scraping my knees on the bricks. I climbed up, up onto the roof, and collapsed against the chimney, my lungs burning and my eyes stinging. I couldn't go down to Aeris, I just couldn't. And so I curled up on the shingles and cried my worthless self to sleep.
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts/Final Fantasy VII
Rating: R
Summary: Ninja princess + grounded pilot = OMG TRU LUV
Author's Notes: AU. So very, very AU. Having only played Kingdom Hearts, and not the sequel, and having played it years ago, I took some massive liberties with the characters and their circumstances. Yuffie, Cid, et al, are not "new" versions of themselves, but are the Yuffie, Cid, et al, from their original Final Fantasy games. They've been brought to Traverse Town by some unknown force, and are trying to come to terms with their situation to the best of their abilities.
The idea was blatantly stolen from inspired by Guardian1's The Lion In The Meadow. I loved, loved, loved how she used Yuffie's relationship with Leon to explore Yuffie's relationship with Vincent. So, this story assumes that Yuffie and Vincent were together during the events prior to the narrative. Also, as per canon, Cid and Shera were married.
----
I talked to Cid whenever I got an opportunity, because he's one of us and I needed to reminisce with someone other than Aeris - I love her and she's a sweetheart and she's ten times the person I'll ever hope to be and talking with her is like talking to the world's best mom plus a fuzzy kitten plus a unicorn or something - and all that stuff is great, but sometimes I needed to have a conversation with someone who'd swear and curse and stomp around and hate, hate, hate those bastards for not being here. And Aeris can't hate, she just can't, and I can.
So I talked to Cid whenever possible. I'd send him a note, usually, to let him know that he'd have the "closed" sign on the door, because he'll be gone for longer than a cigarette break. Usually we'd swear and curse and stomp around, but sometimes we're not so angry and manage to share inappropriate jokes and get smashed and then go crying back to Aeris who would clean us up and put us to bed. If Leon was around, sometimes he'd have a drink or two, too, and then stand around with a martyr expression on his pretty face while Cid and I got into fist fights and puked our guts out. But Leon's not all bad, not really, and he certainly is a foxy little thing.
So I sent Cid a scribble on a piece of paper and gave it to one of the 6000 puppies that ran around town. Damn puppies were adorable and generally reliable messengers, if you didn't mind slobber all over the paper. Cid, of course, did mind that, but fuck Cid, I liked puppies.
I told Aeris I'd catch up with her later, told Leon to stop being such a goon, and headed over to the building that he'd literally set up shop in.
--
"Remember when we first met? Huh, Cid? And you called Vinnie a 'motherfucking son of a motherfucker' and he got so mad that he turned a pale cream as opposed to the pale white that he usually was?"
Cid cackled, "Hell yeah."
"And then I almost barfed all over him? Good times, good times."
Cid grinned his crooked grin and then stubbed out his cigarette on the bare floor. "He deserved to get puked on, that rat bastard. Maybe it would have broken him in a little."
I pondered and wondered and wondered and pondered and I thought, not for the first time and not for the last time, that I could've. Could've broken him in. I had been getting good, really good, at tugging out his impossible smiles and making him to say sentences with more that five words in them. And then I pondered and wondered and wondered and pondered about failing him, about failing Aeris, about failing Aeris again, and failing everyone else - oh God, Tifa, and Barret, and Denzel, and God oh God Dad and RedandMarleneandRenoandRudeandCaitandandand...
I flopped backwards and spread my arms against the cool floorboards and stared at the ceiling fan until my eyes dried up. "Yeah, too bad I missed my chance. Vomiting on people is a great way to show affection. Actually..." I turned onto my stomach and rested on my elbows, "You know, that tuna salad Aeris made for lunch today isn't really agreeing with me... Blaarrrrrg!" I launched myself at him, doing my best puking imitation.
His reaction was perfect, natch. "Gerroff me, you crazy bitch!" He flailed his arms for a bit and then grabbed onto my elbows in a vain attempt to dislodge me. He failed, of course, because I am an awesome ninja of awesome and thus can kick his ass at any occasion.
I locked my arms around his middle and smushed my face against his side. "Uh oh, Cid," I said, rubbing my nose on his shirt, "I don't feel so - blaaarrrgggg! Tuna salad!"
"Crazy bitch!" He exclaimed again, but this time he was laughing. He pulled me into a head lock, ignored my shrieking vows of death, and pushed his knuckles hard against my scalp. "Of all the goddamn people on the goddamn planet, I get stuck with this mental case."
He always whined about my supposed lack of sanity. "Least I'm not a tub of lard, like some people," I said as my fingers scrambled across his chest. "Gawd, Cid, I can pinch, like, three inches around your waist." And then I did, pinching hard until he yelped and dropped me. "Hey, Fatty," I still had my face scrunched against him and my voice was muffled by all of the shirt that I had in my mouth, but I knew he'd at least get the gist of the insult, "Good thing's Shera's not around or you'd totally flatten her."
"Fuck you," he retorted; Cid's wit was as sharp as ever. He tried to push me out of his lap, but my fingers were still happily squeezing away at his little love handles. "Wench," he sighed. He let go of my arms and searched for his pack of cigarettes. "You plannin' on getting off me anytime soon? Or should we take this upstairs?"
"Gawd, you're such a wanna-be pervert, Gramps," I jammed my fingers hard into his side and felt him tense against the pain. "Like I'd ever get that desperate. 'Sides, I've got Hotty McHotster Leon as a sex slave."
He dug his knuckles into the top of my head again. "You always did like 'em girly."
"We balance each other out," I replied, still prodding his waist, "Since I look like a boy and all."
"I'm still not completely convinced that Valentine wasn't a chick in drag."
"Pervo. I bet you totally wanted to do him. This macho crap just's a cover, right? You're, like, the uber gay fairy fluff bunny. You're wearing women's underwear right now, aren't you?"
He chuckled and tugged on my headband. "You're just lookin' for an excuse to pull my pants down."
"Gawd, whatever. Your gut would come bulging out and suffocate me or something. What have you been doing lately? Eating sticks of butter or something?"
He slouched backwards, leaning against the wall. I looked up at him, but didn't bother to spit out the hunk of shirt that I had started chewing on. He still had one hand on the top of my head, ready to give me another noogie if I deserved it, and with the other he fumbled with his lighter. "Not much else to do around here," he said at last and then blew a cloud of smoke down at me. "Just sit and wait. Sit and fucking wait to die."
Not like dying would bring much of a respite. In Wutai, we have - had, had, past tense - the comforting belief that the dead watched over you, guarding you, and that you'd meet again, someday. And even if we all went into the lifestream rather than becoming spirits, well, that meant that we'd all be there, floating around and shit. But they - Vinnie and Godo and and and - they didn't die as much as they were erased. They weren't dead, they were gone. Gone, gone, gonegonegone. Vincent and his eyes and Godo and his asshattery and Tifa and her big boobs and Marlene and her smile and BarretRedRenotheworldtheworldtheworld... It made it hard to properly mourn them; I couldn't burn insense or make offerings or pray by their graves because there was nothing, nothing there.
Cid started patting my head absently, maybe brushing ashes from my hair or something. "Where will we go?" He asked aloud, thinking the same things I had been thinking. "Shit. What the hell will happen then?"
I didn't have an answer for him, so I distracted him from my ignorance by engaging in a massive coughing fit. I let go of him, grasped my throat, and proceeded to roll around on the ground choking and wheezing. "Air," I gasped and reached toward a window, "It's too late for me, Gramps, go on with out me... Tell my wife I love her..." I made a strangled sort of hack and expired. I'm a damn fine actor, if I do say so myself.
Cid was less impressed. "I'll be damned if I stop smokin' for you," he said with a snort. He gave my corpse a few experimental prods with his foot and then ignored me when I came back to life long enough to tie his shoelaces in a knot.
We sat in comfortable silence; don't let anyone tell you otherwise, I am capable of quiet reflection. I can do it, but most of the time it's boring and gets you nowhere and turns into melancholy and the last thing we need in this world is a depressed Yuffie. And it was getting easier and easier to wander into the realms of regret and self-hatred. We had time, endless minutes and hours to do nothing but think, remember, and cry. We all did a lot of it, me, Aeris, and Leon, and probably Cid, too, though he'd probably strangle himself with his belt before admitting it. Sadness was inescapable, and you can't really expect otherwise when you live in an empty town where it's permanently as dark as night. This is how it had been for Vincent when he had locked himself in his coffin in ShinRa Mansion. Staring into his past and living and re-living his mistakes until his pain was part of him, like an arm or leg. That had beem Vincent.
But he had been beautiful like ice-cold silk, while I was like tangled string or ripped jeans or a melted candle. And he was gone and gone and gone while I was still here, lying in heap on Cid's floor, getting dirty and rubbing holes in my sleeves. "Hey, Cid," I said suddenly and winced at the sound of my way-too-loud voice.
"What?"
"Hey. Everything sucks and this isn't the way it was supposed to be and all, but I'm glad I'm here with you."
Cid snorted again. "Can't say the same."
"Dammit, I'm trying to be serious here. Listen, I love Aeris because she's warm and sweet like cupcakes and I need her like I need a sister. And I need Cloud here, even though he's crazy and bitter and all, because he was our leader, you know? And he's here to lead us, if he ever feels like not being insane anymore. But she's a saint and he's a knight, and I'm a Yuffie. You know?"
"You're Yuffie," he repeated flatly. "Thanks for sharin', 'cause fuck knows that I've been thinkin' you were Barret this whole time."
"Cid, can you stop being an asshole for, like, two minutes? I'm being deep and philosophical."
Cid was quiet for a while and I counted the steady inhale-exhale, inhale-exhale of his breaths. "We're not heroes like them," he said at last, his voice all smoker-husky. "Yeah, I know."
But then I wasn't sure if I knew. I was Yuffie and he was Cid and he wasn't Vinnie and I wasn't Shera, but there was more involved that I just couldn't catch, couldn't grab, couldn't pocket. I rolled around for a bit and then stared up at Cid who seemed to be immensely interested in his burnt-out cigarette butt. And then I added some wiggle to my roll, because keeping my body in motion distracts my brain from evaluating and over-evaluating, but flopping around on the ground wasn't enough to keep a damned, stupid idea from forming in my mind.
I needed Cid, and I'd be willing to bet all the materia in the world that he could use a bit of Yuffie in his life. I need him and his grimaces and his bad attitude and his terrible jokes and his big arms and his long legs and the scrambled eggs he'd make us when Aeris refused to get out of bed and his stories about piloting and his sexist comments and the nasty gin that he was stewing in his bathtub.
There was a grumble from the peanut gallery. Cid pulled a cigarette our from behind his ear and sighed at it before sticking it back from whence it came and rubbing his hands on his knees. "Well, kid, it's gettin' late. I'll see ya-"
I pounced.
Fear me, for I am Yuffie, nerves and muscles of steel. I dug my sneakers into the floorboards, spread my fingers over the dusty wood, and pushed upwards. For the second time that evening, I launched and tackled. Cid, who had been in the process of standing, made a surprised sort of "erk" noise and tumbled over.
See, here's the thing about ninjas. We take down mountains. Impossible, you might be telling yourself. Well, that's because you're a dumbass. It doesn't matter if the ninja is short and all elbows and knees - everyone has their weak spots, places that you can exploit. All you need is to wait for the right moment and an understanding of said certain bodily weaknesses, and mountains will crumble. Mountains, or an old geezer full of grit and grumbles.
Perfect timing? You bet. An understanding of the human body? Well, all I needed to understand at the moment was where Cid's lips were located.
Know what, dear reader? I found them without a hitch.
He tasted like all the sins he was so fond of - smoke and ashe and cheap liquor. His body was hard, coiled up tight like a whip and the scruff on his face scraped my hands where I had grabbed him. When he tipped backwards, I fell with him and he smacked onto the ground and I smacked onto him and it was just as it had to be. You don't kiss Cid Highwind on the beach at sunset or during a waltz with him in a tuxedo and you in an evening gown or under the stars in a field of flowers. If you kiss him, it's going to be on the dusty floor in an accessory shop in a crazy, bassackwards town in the middle of nowhere.
Cid kissed me back, because he's got about as much sense as I do. And then, because he's Cid and I'm Yuffie and we've gone over the deep end and there's no coming back, he cupped my face with his big, calloused hands and made me come closer and kiss harder. He broke away for a moment, both of us gasping a breath of each other's air, and snorted a little, "Heh."
"Go 'heh' yourself," I said back at him. And then we were kissing again and I pushed my hands into his spiky hair and dislodged his stupid goggles that I should've stolen ages ago.
My heart rammed itself against my ribs and my brain exploded into fireworks. This was... This was... This was so different. Cid didn't hesitate and didn't apologize and probably fucked instead of making love. But I wasn't his wife and I never worried about tomorrow and I stole whatever I could, even when it guaranteed trouble. And Vincent had been smooth and made of marble and Cid was rough and about as delicate as granite. And we were a mess, the two of us, and god, where did he learn to kiss like that?
He muttered something against my mouth and then pulled back, resting his head on the floor. "Shit," he commented wisely, "A whole lot of it."
I gasped a little, my lungs quivering as I tried to do the normal thing and breath. And I suddenly realized how much my poor little spaghetti arms were shaking and I collapsed on his chest, digging my chin into his ribs. "I concur," I concurred. I had muddled up everything all over again. Vincent had allowed me to trespass, but that was then when Vincent was Vincent and not a smudge in my memory I was a completely different Yuffie in a completely different world. But now I knew that I needed Cid, needed him as much as Vinnie had needed me (no matter what he said). I was going to get lost, maybe mutate into those crazy Heartless bastards, and unravel, unless I had an anchor. "Look, Cid, I didn't mean - that is, Vinnie -"
"You should go."
"Huh?" I said, because my wit's as sharp as Cid's.
"Now. What, do I stutter? Get the hell off me."
I froze and I bet I made a really ugly expression, because I have a tendency to revert to extreme lame-itude when I desperately need to be cool. And then I got angry. Anyone with half a brain should know that you don't take that tone with a ninja princess extraordinaire. I obeyed his command, but ungraciously: as I climbed off, I used his stomach as a brace for my weight and jammed the heel of my palm downward - why hallo thar, solar plexus!
"Damn kid!" He gasped and sputtered for a bit, all the while sending me evil glares, and then pushed himself up into a standing position.
He wasn't as tall as Vinnie had been, but he still had some considerable height on me. Sucks being 5'3" in a world without high heels. I ignored his tallness and calmly brushed invisible dust from my shorts. "Yeah, well, you deserved it, you jackass," I said, my voice as nonchalant as I could make it. Vincent had never ordered me to leave. "Jackass," I said again, because he was one.
"Stupid brat," he retorted. He rubbed his stomach and grimaced - ha! Fear my fists of fury! "Goddamn tease."
"A tease? Fuck that shit."
"Why the hell did ya do that?"
"Uh, gee and golly, Cid," I rolled my eyes skywards, "Maybe because you're a mean and nasty bastard?"
He looked shocked, absolutely shockingly shocked, as if he simply couldn't believe where I had ever gotten such a crazy, nonsensical, absurd notion into my head. He raked his hands through his hair and then busied himself with lightening another damn cigarette. I watched him warily and inched my way toward the door, because clearly something was wrong with this situation, like the moment in a horror movie that the hero discovers that her lover's a vampire or a werewolf or an ax-murder or something.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"With me? What the hell is wrong with you?" I wrenched open the door and stepped out into the night. "I hate you, Cid Highwind. With the passion of a thousand suns. I thought that maybe you - nevermind. Neverthefuckmind."
"But-"
"Go fuck your buts." I almost laughed at that, but I was too mad. Thanks a lot, Cid, now I was going to have to turn into an moping pile of angst and wear a cloak and drown in a river of tears or something. Cid's rejection hurt, hurt more than it should have - I sometimes like to earn things, not just steal, and I thought that I had won him, won him fair and square, and that we had reached a sort of understanding and come to terms with the fact that we needed to cling to each other or else we'd fall apart and be gone, gone like the rest of them. Score 1 for reality, and big ol' 0 for Yuffie. "Well, time to go kill myself, I guess. Thanks a whole fucking lot."
"Yuffie-"
I stopped, one foot hovering in the air, because he never called me Yuffie. "What?"
"Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ok? But, dammit, you started it."
"Huh?" When they were handing out brains, I was busy waiting in line for a second helping of sassafras. I pivoted around to stare at him again and did my best impression of a cool and classy lady who most certainly knew exactly what was going on.
He huffed on his cigarette and paced for a bit before jabbing a finger in my direction. "Don't play coy with me," he said, his voice so low he was practically growling (dammit, I wish I could do that - curse my lack of testosterone!). "You started it."
I could tell that I was blushing furiously, because I'm never calm and collected. I'm a lot of totally awesome things, but sophisticated is not on the list. "Yeah, so, what of it?"
"Well, don't get pissy!"
"You're some kind of special son of a bitch, Cid." The foot that had previously been hovering in the air came down in an angry stamp. "You could've been nicer about it, you know? My life hasn't been a walk in the park with cookies and butterflies. You should've said something like, 'Oh, Yuffie, you're so fucking cool, but alas, I'm too big of a prick to appreciate your utter rocking-hardcore-ness.' Or, like, 'I'm a fucktard douchebag and don't deserve to breathe the same air as you, thus I respectfully ask you to leave so I may inhale.' Or maybe 'Actually, you were right before. I'm totally gay and have a big man-crush on Sephiroth and am constantly fantasying about buttsex.' Something like that. But no, you had to be a total ass and tear my poor heart to shreds-"
My elite ninja skills had apparently been knocked out of order by my elite ranting skills, because all of a sudden Cid was right smack in front of me and pulling me against him. And then, an ephiphany.
"There. That's why." His voice was low again, dipping down into octaves that I could never hope to reach. It was kind of husky, too, and rough, and it was very very very very - I never thought that I'd attach this adjective to Cid, but sometimes even I get surprised - sexy. "See?"
I didn't really need to see, actually, because the sense of touch is an amazing sense indeed and I realized that Cid had not been as opposed to our make-out session as I had previously thought. "Oh," I said, because there's not to much you can say when someone else's hardness is pressed against your softness and your insides are jumping around like they're standing on hot coals. We had both been idiots, what a surprise, and completely misunderstood each other and everything. He hadn't been pushing me away because he wasn't interested, but because he was very interested. Interested in me.
"Get outta here before I do something stupid."
I should've said something along the lines of "But you're always doing something stupid!" or "Cid, giving good advice? It's a sign of the apocalypse!" but all I could do was pull a Vinnie and stare in silence.
"I'll see ya later. Vamoose."
"Huh? Oh, yeah, ok. Sure. Vamoosing."
Cid grabbed my shoulders and turned me around before giving me a gentle push out the door. I stumbled out into the street, still all boggled and confused and discombobulated. I twisted around to look at him again - Cid was wearing the same sort of baffled and bemused and confounded expression as me. And the our eyes met and and and-
I threw my hands up into the air and whooped. My heart revved into action and pumped adrenaline through my veins, a run-away train zooming down the tracks. From my feet, calves, knees, thighs, hips - all the way up the spine - came a message to the brain to run, run, run. Move, move, move. Step on the gas, Yuffie, and let's go into overdrive. With my hands still waving around my head, I burst into motion and ran in circles around the empty townsquare yelling at the top of my lungs. I looped around, made a figure-eight, and then dashed up the steps and burst through the doors that lead to our section of town and away from Cid's.
My feet stopped moving when I got to our house. The light was off, but I knew that Aeris would still be awake, waiting for me to come home safe and sound before she could fall asleep. Patient Aeris, waiting and waiting and waiting and loving and loving and loving even though she received nothing in return.
Fidelity that could never I achieve.
My hand fell from the doorknob and I stumbled backwards. Waiting and waiting and waiting and loving and loving and loving, even when she had gotten married and become pregnant and watched as her husband had killed him. Holding on, even after pain and torture and death. Denying himself the smallest of pleasures, making me steal what I should have been given freely. His love had been eternal, not like my flimsy dedication.
And then there was me, me with my runny nose and scabbed knuckles and messy hair and unfaithful heart.
I scrambled up the side of the building, scraping my fingers on the window sill and scraping my knees on the bricks. I climbed up, up onto the roof, and collapsed against the chimney, my lungs burning and my eyes stinging. I couldn't go down to Aeris, I just couldn't. And so I curled up on the shingles and cried my worthless self to sleep.