It's your godforsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved.....
Sitting here. Temperately warm coffee in my hands (speaking of, mental note to request only fair trade coffee from now own. SOCL 105 is corrupting my naive little mind). Thinking, gently.
I'm in the middle of a change. Have you ever been to Arizona? The part of the state where the four corners of Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah all meet? I have the sensation of being mid-step; my foot is in its downward arch, closing in on new territory. Only...it's not so simple as the step it takes to move from state to state there, to cross borders in the blink of an eye with minimal effort.
It's not even that I'm not always changing, nor are people always changing. But my life is changing seasons. And I'll tell you. It's not summer to fall, that's for sure. Try....spring to summer. Maybe I'm moving into a golden age...
It's a strange ebb and flow. I was reading old pieces of me...visited the old journal and older entries in this one as well. I recognize the person who I was so long ago; from whose vista I saw only the sun-speckled pieces of land, not the shade-covered, where the clouds were. The mind heart that was so excited for life, and always, always could dance its way through to find the best path. It was me, the optimist. Then, and I know without reading - I know by simply recalling who I've been - came the slippery slope of recession. I lost my balance so thoroughly that it was down and down and down and I must've been IN one of those cloud-covered spots for, God, how long now? One thing knocks you off of your horse to begin with, and then an entire cast of obstacles keep you down.
But for the first time in how long? I feel like I can breathe.
Like the swell and recess of the ocean water, and swell again, that's where I am, only it's a wiser swell? A grown one...A survivor's swell. Like a less naive one or something, because wow was I ever blind to the possibilities back in the day. Good perspective but dense as a brick when it comes to - well, you believe very easily and very confidently in everything before you see the flip side of the coin that says it can be gone just as easily.
I'm working on it all so hard!!! Painting oil colors onto, well, me =) My canvas...my life...this sense of freedom is flavoring it all. What makes me happy? Think, Ash. Think. Recall those things that give you that sense of wild, windblown hair, smiling soleil, breakers sliding through the canyons between your toes and the sand swirling around...within you, maybe outside of you, but within you, too. Who do you want to be? What are those things?
I forgot them for sooo long. So long. I'm not living for anyone else anymore, because no one ever reminded me of who I was - just who I'm supposed to be. I became a stranger to myself, I want to say. January brought the breaking of the ice, now February is the adventure, March is the preparation, April is the planning before takeoff...and May? May, I'm there. Freedom baby. Wine, ocean, sand, best friend, late nights, early mornings, independence, miles away, new people, the world, and all of the world's time to learn me, learn everyone around me, then, after that, wherever I want to go...the world is open to me.
Mmm. Don't think I'll be in Buffalo. Well, I definitely won't this summer, because a little island afloat in the ocean claimed my heart for the months of June, July, August, and September. But after that, i don't think I'll be coming back for some time. Life surprises you, yeah, but for the first time in THIS life I think that I have the guts to go where my eyes zero in on the map. I LOVE IT.
Home doesn't feel like home anymore. It's not as sad as it sounds. I mean, my home IS here and I know that I can always come back. But my mom tied me here terribly...but you reach that point where your leash is too short so you pull and pull and you're breaking it. OK haha, there is that point where - alright, you know when you're walking a dog that doesn't walk very well and he pulls at the leash and his collar chokes him, and you hear him make that disgusting gag noise like there's a beach ball in his throat or something? - OK there IS definitely that point! Shades of winter break here with her. Hot damn, I didn't think that I would make it out of here ALIVE. Choked that entire time. But I can't be where she wants me to be anymore, live the life that will make her happy. And I'm....90% less dependent on her than I was. I think I'm breaking away or rebelling or something from my attachment to her. Because now, all I want is my space.
And him. I'm beginning to believe in him. Slowly, he's becoming a best friend...and that's a new feeling, one I haven't known well. I do feel that we compensate for eachother's shortcomings - where I need a push or where I'm a little weak, he steps in, and vice versa. It's such a natural motion...
Effortless.
It's been a WHILRWIND of a couple of months. Rollercoaster ride...sums it up.
Mmm and the snow!! Just looked out my precious window =) And it most certainly is piled HIGH. I love. Love. LOVE it. Love walking in it. When it's dry, it crinkles like you're stepping on crepe paper - and that, friends...is one of my favorite sounds.
I have to get in the shower & do some work though =) That way, i'll be able to spend time with my love when she arrives for a visit =)
So much more on my mind. I just have to take the time...
With each quarter inch of that downward arch, I'll learn...I'll take the time to know it inside out, so when it lands, I'll have solid footing.
I'm in the middle of a change. Have you ever been to Arizona? The part of the state where the four corners of Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah all meet? I have the sensation of being mid-step; my foot is in its downward arch, closing in on new territory. Only...it's not so simple as the step it takes to move from state to state there, to cross borders in the blink of an eye with minimal effort.
It's not even that I'm not always changing, nor are people always changing. But my life is changing seasons. And I'll tell you. It's not summer to fall, that's for sure. Try....spring to summer. Maybe I'm moving into a golden age...
It's a strange ebb and flow. I was reading old pieces of me...visited the old journal and older entries in this one as well. I recognize the person who I was so long ago; from whose vista I saw only the sun-speckled pieces of land, not the shade-covered, where the clouds were. The mind heart that was so excited for life, and always, always could dance its way through to find the best path. It was me, the optimist. Then, and I know without reading - I know by simply recalling who I've been - came the slippery slope of recession. I lost my balance so thoroughly that it was down and down and down and I must've been IN one of those cloud-covered spots for, God, how long now? One thing knocks you off of your horse to begin with, and then an entire cast of obstacles keep you down.
But for the first time in how long? I feel like I can breathe.
Like the swell and recess of the ocean water, and swell again, that's where I am, only it's a wiser swell? A grown one...A survivor's swell. Like a less naive one or something, because wow was I ever blind to the possibilities back in the day. Good perspective but dense as a brick when it comes to - well, you believe very easily and very confidently in everything before you see the flip side of the coin that says it can be gone just as easily.
I'm working on it all so hard!!! Painting oil colors onto, well, me =) My canvas...my life...this sense of freedom is flavoring it all. What makes me happy? Think, Ash. Think. Recall those things that give you that sense of wild, windblown hair, smiling soleil, breakers sliding through the canyons between your toes and the sand swirling around...within you, maybe outside of you, but within you, too. Who do you want to be? What are those things?
I forgot them for sooo long. So long. I'm not living for anyone else anymore, because no one ever reminded me of who I was - just who I'm supposed to be. I became a stranger to myself, I want to say. January brought the breaking of the ice, now February is the adventure, March is the preparation, April is the planning before takeoff...and May? May, I'm there. Freedom baby. Wine, ocean, sand, best friend, late nights, early mornings, independence, miles away, new people, the world, and all of the world's time to learn me, learn everyone around me, then, after that, wherever I want to go...the world is open to me.
Mmm. Don't think I'll be in Buffalo. Well, I definitely won't this summer, because a little island afloat in the ocean claimed my heart for the months of June, July, August, and September. But after that, i don't think I'll be coming back for some time. Life surprises you, yeah, but for the first time in THIS life I think that I have the guts to go where my eyes zero in on the map. I LOVE IT.
Home doesn't feel like home anymore. It's not as sad as it sounds. I mean, my home IS here and I know that I can always come back. But my mom tied me here terribly...but you reach that point where your leash is too short so you pull and pull and you're breaking it. OK haha, there is that point where - alright, you know when you're walking a dog that doesn't walk very well and he pulls at the leash and his collar chokes him, and you hear him make that disgusting gag noise like there's a beach ball in his throat or something? - OK there IS definitely that point! Shades of winter break here with her. Hot damn, I didn't think that I would make it out of here ALIVE. Choked that entire time. But I can't be where she wants me to be anymore, live the life that will make her happy. And I'm....90% less dependent on her than I was. I think I'm breaking away or rebelling or something from my attachment to her. Because now, all I want is my space.
And him. I'm beginning to believe in him. Slowly, he's becoming a best friend...and that's a new feeling, one I haven't known well. I do feel that we compensate for eachother's shortcomings - where I need a push or where I'm a little weak, he steps in, and vice versa. It's such a natural motion...
Effortless.
It's been a WHILRWIND of a couple of months. Rollercoaster ride...sums it up.
Mmm and the snow!! Just looked out my precious window =) And it most certainly is piled HIGH. I love. Love. LOVE it. Love walking in it. When it's dry, it crinkles like you're stepping on crepe paper - and that, friends...is one of my favorite sounds.
I have to get in the shower & do some work though =) That way, i'll be able to spend time with my love when she arrives for a visit =)
So much more on my mind. I just have to take the time...
With each quarter inch of that downward arch, I'll learn...I'll take the time to know it inside out, so when it lands, I'll have solid footing.