a few more hours to complete-a few more nights on satin sheets-a few more times that i can say
I'm on the cross - nothing to hide when all is lost
i'm on the cross - a truth or a lie
which could be worse?
when i speak, white noise
pours out from my voice
every time i move my lips
it tears your little ears to bits
i'm frozen all the time
deer in headlights
i'll get to the point
can't depend on love or truth
to get you through
do you want me to explain?
are you broken at the bone?
do yout ry and rearrange
a better life, a bigger home?
so turn off the lights
or at least unplug the phone
i'm a threat when i'm left alone
how many days are you afraid of turning off?
do you feel like letting go?
it's been a good life.
i'll be sad to see it go.
Let's see how quickly I can whip up an update. It's not gonna cover all the bases, but I'm overdue. I've been awful. That's what happens when you're president of two organizations, it's Rush period for recruitment, you have four 300-level classes, you're researching and applying to grad schools/studying for GRE's, and you also try to keep in contact with people from home. You've gotta make a sacrifice somewhere, and I guess I decided that my sacrifice would be my me time. I have to settle for walks to and from class as me time. It's about all that I have. Anyway, I'll force some in now (shouldn't be - I have another exam tomorrow and I really need to be focusing on that, but hot damn. This just has so much more appeal).
Don't get me wrong for one second. As hectic and as frazzled as I can get trying to juggle all of that and thensome, I'm loving every second. My sanity was teetering over the cliff's edge when I had nothing going for me over the summer besides waitressing a few nights a week and well. Nothing else. It was complete lack of mental stimulation or something along those lines, plus, I don't really thrive when I feel useless. I get...well. Depressed. Things were hard at the end of summer as it was, with the move and the stress and the ambivalence with Tim and the closing of my grandparent's house. Not to mention dealing with my mom's insanity (she lost her cool about 83 times. It was - is still, really - a time of big changes and emotional strain between losing both her parents, having my brother move out, her two best friends both having cancer, trying to close on my grandparents' house, our house, divide all our belongings into "storage" and "apartment" for the limbo between houses, my flying the coop for school and dropping the bomb that I plan on grad school in Arizona, and losing a constant companion in her life, all within a few years of eachother - much of it within one year). It's not a big secret that my mom's my heart, but she's definitely a handful when she's emotionally unstable. It's either spontaneous tears, inexplicable anger, or the worst of both worlds - a combination.
Things have fallen nicely together since Geneseo though. I have, firstly, 40 Court, which feels like home to me. Living with these 5 girls is one of the best experiences I've had. There's not a day lacking laughter, big dinners together (minus the busy days), someone to go talk to, someone to walk in on and say, "Hey, how's this look?" and instantly have 5 opinions, someone to lay in bed and talk with - there's always someone to turn to and who's glad to have you there. I adore it. On top of that, I have my sorority, which I've been pouring heart and soul into this semester to leave it better than I found it. It's taxing. Sometimes it seems like before I can fix one issue, crisis, or emergency, 5 more crop up, but in hindsight it's coming together. We're working through the frustrations and making better times, and in between, going out and having fun with eachother. I really do look at it and see 44 of the most beautiful girls that I know (who also helped make my 21st birthday a success - along with Andrea, Ry, Tim, and Mom, who all visited from home - that night is different story though)
I just get this amazing sense of peace walking through Geneseo and looking down the valley or at the green or within the bustle of the common area of Milne Library, which is more of a social setting than a study area (quiet is upstairs/downstairs). It's a feeling of knowing that this is somewhere in my life that I belong. Somewhere that has truly become a piece of my heart and a molding factor in who I am. Geneseo's become home...it cradles me in its friendships, its challenges, and mostly, it's experiences.
Although there's a wrinkle in the fabric. Tim and I? I see us fighting for something that's further and further out of our reach. In my heart, fight it all I can, we aren't right for one another. It isn't just that we perceive life differently - it's that we don't perceive it together. We don't look from one stance forward. It's more like two different stances trying to see the future from the same angle, but you can't see something from the same angle when you're standing in different places. He has so much growing up to do, and I can't do it for him - especially when I'm in the thick of my own growing up. He needs to find his place in life and find happiness alone before he can find it with me. I tried, heart and soul. I thought I could help. And I did push him beyond his limits, challenged him to step outside the box, asked why not take the chance and go somewhere. I made him realize in a sense that you put into this life what you get out of it. But...and it's sad for me to say...he doesn't challenge me. Or understand me. He doesn't have the intensity for me that I'd be willing to give to him. He's more of a passive person - which doesn't mean he cares about me any less. It means that his expression of caring is different than mine, and it's frustrating for me. I always have to direct us. I always have to inspire the conversations. I always have to be exited for the both of us. I can't always be asking for more. There needs to be a point where it's given. Give and take, that's a healthy relationship, I always thought. And I'm at this point of frustration. I can't tell him what I'm feeling or thinking. I don't feel like it anymore and he doesn't comprehend it ever. He can't understand where I need more from him.
It makes me pretty upset. It's been good with him. He's a warm human being with a caring heart. Like I've said time after time, I've grown attached to him. I think about summer; I think about the drive to Youngstown, the beautiful scenery, the street winding along the lower Niagara - his street. I think about sitting beside the passing water as the sun set, and late at night sitting by that same water listening to the coyotes yell. Chilly by the water, but warm leaning into his body as he held me. I think of the bonfires in the backyard, I think of the barbeques outside with his family, I think of going to the Inn bar, with it's circa 1700s stones and getting a few drinks while sitting on the porch talking. I think of all these things and it aches; it churns sharp and nauseating in my gut because though I know he isn't right for me, letting go is also heartache. I gave him my secrets, my firsts, my time, my devotion. But I can't settle for something less than happiness - especially a type of happiness that i know is real because I've known it and I know I will know it again. I don't know when it'll happen...when I'll end it. Soon, i know that. The day is drawing near.
Sadness. I hate that I write about it and there's this eclipsing sadness.
i've loved these days
i'm on the cross - a truth or a lie
which could be worse?
when i speak, white noise
pours out from my voice
every time i move my lips
it tears your little ears to bits
i'm frozen all the time
deer in headlights
i'll get to the point
can't depend on love or truth
to get you through
do you want me to explain?
are you broken at the bone?
do yout ry and rearrange
a better life, a bigger home?
so turn off the lights
or at least unplug the phone
i'm a threat when i'm left alone
how many days are you afraid of turning off?
do you feel like letting go?
it's been a good life.
i'll be sad to see it go.
Let's see how quickly I can whip up an update. It's not gonna cover all the bases, but I'm overdue. I've been awful. That's what happens when you're president of two organizations, it's Rush period for recruitment, you have four 300-level classes, you're researching and applying to grad schools/studying for GRE's, and you also try to keep in contact with people from home. You've gotta make a sacrifice somewhere, and I guess I decided that my sacrifice would be my me time. I have to settle for walks to and from class as me time. It's about all that I have. Anyway, I'll force some in now (shouldn't be - I have another exam tomorrow and I really need to be focusing on that, but hot damn. This just has so much more appeal).
Don't get me wrong for one second. As hectic and as frazzled as I can get trying to juggle all of that and thensome, I'm loving every second. My sanity was teetering over the cliff's edge when I had nothing going for me over the summer besides waitressing a few nights a week and well. Nothing else. It was complete lack of mental stimulation or something along those lines, plus, I don't really thrive when I feel useless. I get...well. Depressed. Things were hard at the end of summer as it was, with the move and the stress and the ambivalence with Tim and the closing of my grandparent's house. Not to mention dealing with my mom's insanity (she lost her cool about 83 times. It was - is still, really - a time of big changes and emotional strain between losing both her parents, having my brother move out, her two best friends both having cancer, trying to close on my grandparents' house, our house, divide all our belongings into "storage" and "apartment" for the limbo between houses, my flying the coop for school and dropping the bomb that I plan on grad school in Arizona, and losing a constant companion in her life, all within a few years of eachother - much of it within one year). It's not a big secret that my mom's my heart, but she's definitely a handful when she's emotionally unstable. It's either spontaneous tears, inexplicable anger, or the worst of both worlds - a combination.
Things have fallen nicely together since Geneseo though. I have, firstly, 40 Court, which feels like home to me. Living with these 5 girls is one of the best experiences I've had. There's not a day lacking laughter, big dinners together (minus the busy days), someone to go talk to, someone to walk in on and say, "Hey, how's this look?" and instantly have 5 opinions, someone to lay in bed and talk with - there's always someone to turn to and who's glad to have you there. I adore it. On top of that, I have my sorority, which I've been pouring heart and soul into this semester to leave it better than I found it. It's taxing. Sometimes it seems like before I can fix one issue, crisis, or emergency, 5 more crop up, but in hindsight it's coming together. We're working through the frustrations and making better times, and in between, going out and having fun with eachother. I really do look at it and see 44 of the most beautiful girls that I know (who also helped make my 21st birthday a success - along with Andrea, Ry, Tim, and Mom, who all visited from home - that night is different story though)
I just get this amazing sense of peace walking through Geneseo and looking down the valley or at the green or within the bustle of the common area of Milne Library, which is more of a social setting than a study area (quiet is upstairs/downstairs). It's a feeling of knowing that this is somewhere in my life that I belong. Somewhere that has truly become a piece of my heart and a molding factor in who I am. Geneseo's become home...it cradles me in its friendships, its challenges, and mostly, it's experiences.
Although there's a wrinkle in the fabric. Tim and I? I see us fighting for something that's further and further out of our reach. In my heart, fight it all I can, we aren't right for one another. It isn't just that we perceive life differently - it's that we don't perceive it together. We don't look from one stance forward. It's more like two different stances trying to see the future from the same angle, but you can't see something from the same angle when you're standing in different places. He has so much growing up to do, and I can't do it for him - especially when I'm in the thick of my own growing up. He needs to find his place in life and find happiness alone before he can find it with me. I tried, heart and soul. I thought I could help. And I did push him beyond his limits, challenged him to step outside the box, asked why not take the chance and go somewhere. I made him realize in a sense that you put into this life what you get out of it. But...and it's sad for me to say...he doesn't challenge me. Or understand me. He doesn't have the intensity for me that I'd be willing to give to him. He's more of a passive person - which doesn't mean he cares about me any less. It means that his expression of caring is different than mine, and it's frustrating for me. I always have to direct us. I always have to inspire the conversations. I always have to be exited for the both of us. I can't always be asking for more. There needs to be a point where it's given. Give and take, that's a healthy relationship, I always thought. And I'm at this point of frustration. I can't tell him what I'm feeling or thinking. I don't feel like it anymore and he doesn't comprehend it ever. He can't understand where I need more from him.
It makes me pretty upset. It's been good with him. He's a warm human being with a caring heart. Like I've said time after time, I've grown attached to him. I think about summer; I think about the drive to Youngstown, the beautiful scenery, the street winding along the lower Niagara - his street. I think about sitting beside the passing water as the sun set, and late at night sitting by that same water listening to the coyotes yell. Chilly by the water, but warm leaning into his body as he held me. I think of the bonfires in the backyard, I think of the barbeques outside with his family, I think of going to the Inn bar, with it's circa 1700s stones and getting a few drinks while sitting on the porch talking. I think of all these things and it aches; it churns sharp and nauseating in my gut because though I know he isn't right for me, letting go is also heartache. I gave him my secrets, my firsts, my time, my devotion. But I can't settle for something less than happiness - especially a type of happiness that i know is real because I've known it and I know I will know it again. I don't know when it'll happen...when I'll end it. Soon, i know that. The day is drawing near.
Sadness. I hate that I write about it and there's this eclipsing sadness.
i've loved these days