when everything is clearly dying
Do you ever feel that violent gnawing in the pit of your stomach that comes with no clearly verifiable reason? Or, maybe you suspect that you know the reason, but you are playing hopscotch all around the possibility because you do not want to venture upon admitting to yourself just how awful the truth is. When you're living a lie, and the only one who it adversely affects is yourself, mind, soul, and heart. I wish I could rewind my life and be the person I was so long ago. That girl was extraordinarily happy, not ever entirely content with herself, but happy. Which I am striving for, but it becomes extremely hard. Especially during times like these. For absolutely no reason, I feel like bursting into tears. But the tears will not come. I sometimes wonder if I'm manic. To an extent, I suppose that I am. I do not think that I can be what everyone expects me to be. My concentration is dead, I'm completely uninspired, and the sadness comes when I want it least. And the worst part is that I know how to get up out of this hole I have dug for myself, but I am too stubborn, pathetic, and afraid to take the first step. I further believe loneliness to be my Divine punishment for the mistakes I have made.
I waste my life away at a computer screen. Even so, I lie in wait, alone. The passing of each minute whispers in my ear the failure that I have become. I am not a good person. I am inept emotionally and socially, and it is no great wonder that I am alone. Most of all, I fear the future. I wonder if I will ever grow out of this hell of impediments, get everything together, and be who I was meant to be. If the things that I have dreamed of, yearned for, and desired for so long will enter my life. I believe that everything happens for a reason, but if my destiny has been pre-determined without any way of changing it, I am thoroughly afraid.
I waste my life away at a computer screen. Even so, I lie in wait, alone. The passing of each minute whispers in my ear the failure that I have become. I am not a good person. I am inept emotionally and socially, and it is no great wonder that I am alone. Most of all, I fear the future. I wonder if I will ever grow out of this hell of impediments, get everything together, and be who I was meant to be. If the things that I have dreamed of, yearned for, and desired for so long will enter my life. I believe that everything happens for a reason, but if my destiny has been pre-determined without any way of changing it, I am thoroughly afraid.