Let Down
Yesterday Carl failed a test. After knowing how I feel about him photographing naked women, he went ahead and confirmed a photo shoot for this morning- not knowing it was a test. I couldn't believe how he talked to me for hours and never mentioned it once. He truly is able to keep something like this from me and act nonchalant. It reminded me of all the times I had been lied to. I can't trust him anymore. It hurt me so much to give him several opportunities to fess up, and all he did was avoid it, and squirm. Everytime he danced around the conversation, I lost more faith in him. You really don't know anybody. I had asked him if he wanted to work at my place if I took the day off, and he said everything to avoid that situation: being overly concerned about my calling out of work; reminding me that I wanted time away from him; claiming he would feel "guilty" working while I am around- all BULLSHIT excuses because he had scheduled this shoot in the morning. And all the while, I was sitting there in awe that this man who I put my trust in, and who I thought was better than most- lied and plotted to do something behind my back. It was an eye-opening experience to say the least. I feel that I can no longer trust him. I will always think there is something he isn't telling me. This is not the first time he has broken my trust. It is just the first time it's made me see that maybe we don't belong together. I can't see myself dealing with a boyfriend who is in the business of photographing strangers with no clothes on; and doing it without telling me at that. He claimed that he didn't say anything bc I had said "do what you want, I dont wanna know about it". Then he claimed he was "going to tell me about it at some point". His story was contradictory.
I don't want to feel guilty about my stance on this subject. I don't want to make someone resent me because of it either. I have tried to help him make money by posting ads, convincing him to up his pricing on several jobs, going with him on some shoots to help out, following up with a client for payment- and still....a job for $199 was enough for him to justify going behind my back. I know he needs the money, but I have more than made up for any jobs he might have turned down because of my sensitivity on the subject.You'd think that he would take that into consideration- the fact that some jobs even turn into references for more jobs- all from a listing I posted for him- and be able to rationalize the fact that this bothers me and not do it. So now I see what his weakness is. I see that he is not this innocent, honest man that he tried to portray himself to be. He has it in him to lie by omission. And I can't accept that.
I don't want to feel guilty about my stance on this subject. I don't want to make someone resent me because of it either. I have tried to help him make money by posting ads, convincing him to up his pricing on several jobs, going with him on some shoots to help out, following up with a client for payment- and still....a job for $199 was enough for him to justify going behind my back. I know he needs the money, but I have more than made up for any jobs he might have turned down because of my sensitivity on the subject.You'd think that he would take that into consideration- the fact that some jobs even turn into references for more jobs- all from a listing I posted for him- and be able to rationalize the fact that this bothers me and not do it. So now I see what his weakness is. I see that he is not this innocent, honest man that he tried to portray himself to be. He has it in him to lie by omission. And I can't accept that.