the continuing saga ...
wednesday was a trip and a half. i havent updated coz ive been busy as hell. wed - i have some friends over for a little dinner party. ive had this recipe in my head that ive been wanting to try ever since i saw it. scallop and chorizo pasta. yum. my dirty italian, since we share the same group of friends, also came through. i didnt personally invite him. nor did i feel the need to. however, the same friend of mine i met him thru, has been trying to hook me up with another friend, lyon (fake name, obvi.) when i first moved to brooklyn, i met lyon first and we hit it off. if not for the bad timing, maybe something more couldve happened. but we were openly crushing on the other. its bad i know. we show up at the spot, and i find myself in the incredibly awkward position of having my dirty italian to the left of me, and lyon to right. in my left ear, "i know u guys were feeling each other before, and if you want to go that way, just let me know" in my right ear, "so whats up with you and your boyfriend" stuck in the middle of two guys, that i met when i first moved here, two guys that arent close friends, but friends nonetheless if only by association. what can i do? i was feeling them both. but im not one to start something when i havent finished something else. maybe its the wrong approach, but at the end of the night, after a little chat with my dirty italian (degrading nickname i know, but at this point to change it is stupid), we seemed to talk to each other in circles. i had once said one summer night, as we were sitting on my roof drinking and hanging out, that i wasnt looking to tie someone down or to be tied down, but i still wanted him to care about me. i want something so elusive that it is probably impossible to sustain. i want to keep that dating/honeymoon phase as long as possible. he has been honest with me. and he has told me.. that he is undoubtedly, not ready to be getting into a relationship at the moment. that he cares about me, and that he has fun with me, and at the least, he has shown respect for my wishes by being completely honest with me, even if that means, our intimacy will come to an end as a result. he left the choice up to me what to do.
i chose him. on the condition that we stopped being so sneaky around our mutual friends. i didnt like hiding. i didnt like secrets.
5 minutes later, he grabbed my hand as we joined our friends at the bar. he openly kissed me. and told our friend that we met each toher thru, that we were seeing each other and talked to lyon and apologized for the confusion. when we got to my place, we started talking. he asked me if i regretted my decision. i said no. i made a choice, for myself.
a smile spread on his face, and he told me that he was pretty happy that i made my choice, and that my choice was him.
it was a good night in the end of it all.
friday night, we met up. again i found myself at the bar with him on one side, and lyon on the other. awkward. not to mention the level of intoxication i was at, i felt myself torn. or maybe those were jsu my hormones??
we slept together that night, but we didnt SLEEP TOGETHER. spent saturday in bed recovering and being bums together, then we separated for individual obligations. we met up again later on saturday night.
again, we slept together, but we didnt SLEEP TOGETHER. and i practically had to pounce on him in the morning. should i be worried?? should i be concerned?
im overanalyzing and being obsessive.. but its been a long time since this has happened. and i dont want to be delusional. its not a dead end, i made it quite clear to him, that if what was happening between us is a dead end, that i couldnt do it. he merely said that at the moment, he wasnt ready, but that he honestly did not know the future and would refuse to say it was dead end. i want to continue. but dont want to.
i needed to get that rant off my chest.
i chose him. on the condition that we stopped being so sneaky around our mutual friends. i didnt like hiding. i didnt like secrets.
5 minutes later, he grabbed my hand as we joined our friends at the bar. he openly kissed me. and told our friend that we met each toher thru, that we were seeing each other and talked to lyon and apologized for the confusion. when we got to my place, we started talking. he asked me if i regretted my decision. i said no. i made a choice, for myself.
a smile spread on his face, and he told me that he was pretty happy that i made my choice, and that my choice was him.
it was a good night in the end of it all.
friday night, we met up. again i found myself at the bar with him on one side, and lyon on the other. awkward. not to mention the level of intoxication i was at, i felt myself torn. or maybe those were jsu my hormones??
we slept together that night, but we didnt SLEEP TOGETHER. spent saturday in bed recovering and being bums together, then we separated for individual obligations. we met up again later on saturday night.
again, we slept together, but we didnt SLEEP TOGETHER. and i practically had to pounce on him in the morning. should i be worried?? should i be concerned?
im overanalyzing and being obsessive.. but its been a long time since this has happened. and i dont want to be delusional. its not a dead end, i made it quite clear to him, that if what was happening between us is a dead end, that i couldnt do it. he merely said that at the moment, he wasnt ready, but that he honestly did not know the future and would refuse to say it was dead end. i want to continue. but dont want to.
i needed to get that rant off my chest.