BellaxJacob Big Bang Fic 2010: Lone Wolf, Part 1

[riderofrohan8]

Sometimes I was able to surprise myself. After so many weeks, months, agonizing seconds of wanting just one thing, my patience had paid off: Edward had come back. Well. Not quite like that. I had gone for him, I had dragged him back, propelled halfway across the globe by sheer adrenaline. But he had come willingly enough. He had kissed me like he wanted it too, he had attempted a dramatic death, a Romeo and Juliet reunion; he had quoted Shakespeare and stroked my hair like I meant something. He had almost erased the months of pain, almost brushed away the bruises with his lips and mended the hole in my heart with Adonismarblegranite strength.

Almost.

It didn’t hit me until we were on the plane back to Forks. Perhaps the truth had jet lag. There I was, sitting in an airplane seat between the most beautiful boy I had ever seen and the closest friend I had ever had. They thought I was asleep. I had closed my eyes because the months apart had dulled my memory of their dazzling beauty. Looking at them made my eyes burn now. Looking at them made me want to cry.

His apologies, his reassurance, had settled me at first. They were the declarations I had yearned for, the words I hadn’t dared dream of as I retread the familiar grounds of but, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun, the I always loved you, I did this for you, I broke my heart in pieces to keep you whole. How could I have doubted him? It was cruel of me to think he could be so callous. Of course it was all for me. Of course.

The velvet honey voice I had longed for was crowded out by something else. Snapshots of unexpected bliss, sunshine I had never expected to find amidst the eternal starless night. Riding motorcycles, more for the rush than for the hallucinations. Warm soda and teasing and laughter; I couldn't remember laughing myself hoarse, even when Edward had been around. The tingling in my skin whenever he touched me, the electric thrill that told me I was alive. Even the less pleasant memories, the hours that Jacob had spent trying to prove that I was better off without Edward. Pointing out all the possessive and restricting behavior. He was constantly saying "That's not love, Bella. Love is about equality." I had pointed out that I was no more equal to a werewolf than I was to a vampire. He had always shrugged it off, insisting it was different. I had never been convinced. I always ended by telling him that love was irrational, and that was that. The heart wants what the heart wants. He couldn't argue with that.

I retreated to another recent memory. We had been sitting on the front porch of Jacob's house, making up our own lyrics to songs on the radio and counting fireflies. I had leaned my head on his shoulder, and he had taken my hand in his.

"Love you, Bells." His voice was so warm and matter-of-fact, not at all threatening; but I couldn't help tensing up like a frightened rabbit. My heart started racing, my skin sweating. I gulped before I could stop myself. Jacob chuckled.

"Calm down, you don't have to say anything." It took me a minute to regain my composure, and I rested my head back against his shoulder. Affecting a high-pitched voice, Jacob answered himself. "Love you too, Jake!" I couldn't help but giggle at the absurdity of his imitation. I was confident I didn't sound that ridiculous.

I could feel the deep rumble in his chest when he laughed. He continued in a falsetto, "You're soooo dreamy! Did you know all my friends are secretly in love with you?" He resumed in his normal voice. "Really? You should get me their numbers."

I had slapped him playfully, and the reverie ended. It didn't matter what happened afterward. What mattered was what didn't happen.

I hadn't told him I loved him. I had been faithful to Edward.

I peeked at Edward through my eyelashes, sitting in the seat next to me. He was just as I remembered. I should have been ecstatic.

I could only feel regret.

Once I realized that the impressions left on my heart belonged to a different pair of hands (redhotlovinghands) it almost cracked again. I knew who I wanted.

I peeked at Edward through my eyelashes. At least with him, I had a chance.

I knew who I wanted, but that didn’t change anything.

xxx

“Bella, I love you. And I know you love me too, no matter how stubborn you are. I know it.” It would be so easy to choose Jacob. All I had to do was say “Okay then” and he could be my Jacob, just as I had always wanted. But I couldn’t. As badly as I wanted to claim him, I couldn’t do it. I was about to put out the only light I’d had in my life. That smile, that smile that had welcomed me home, was about to disappear, never to be mine again.

“It doesn't matter. I don’t have any options, Jacob, don’t you see that? My days are numbered, and I’m running out of time. Victoria’s trying to kill me, the Volturi are breathing down our necks, and you think I can just walk away with you and say ‘Oh, sorry about that, guys, I change my mind’?” My voice cracked as I began to work myself into a frenzy. Jacob’s eyes softened.

“I’ll protect you.” He looked down at me as if I were a confused child. If he patted me on the head, I would kill him.

“How? How can a bunch of overgrown boys protect me from an army of vampires?”

Jacob just rolled his eyes. “It’s kind of what we do, Bells. It’s what we’re made for.”

“You don’t get it. I’m sick of being protected. It’s time I have a say in what happens to me.”

He looked confused. "You've always had a say."

"That's not what I mean." I tugged at the ends of my hair, willing the frustration to form suitable words. "It's time I take care of myself."

"Oh, I get it. So you want to take 'em on yourself? No offense, but you don't exactly have the muscle for it." He grinned crookedly. "Or the stomach."

"I will when I'm a vampire." The second I said the word, Jacob's demeanor changed. His jaw tensed and his eyes hardened.

“So that’s what this is really about. You want to be with him so he can make you a vampire? So you can be just as cold and pretty and soulless as he is?”

“At least with him I have a chance! I have a chance to be as strong as he is!” I didn’t let the rest of my thoughts leave my mouth-bitter sorrow that I never let myself consciously acknowledge. Not like with you…I’ll never be like you. I may choose second best, but at least we’d be equal.

"What about me?" The look of desolation clouding his features was a knife twisted into my heart. "What about us? Don't you love me, Bella?"

"Of course I do, Jake--"

"Well, that makes perfect sense! You love me, but you're choosing him! It's all clear now!" Weaker ears than mine couldn't miss the sarcasm.

"Jacob, please..."

"No, I get it. You want easy. Easy, and picture perfect. I can't compete with that. And if that's the most important thing to you, then I guess you're right. You should pick him." The resentment and defeat in Jacob's voice was killing me. I was stunned, frozen; before I could say anything he had disappeared silently into the forest.

xxx

Life without Jacob was worse, much worse than I could have possibly imagined. At least when Edward had left, I didn’t have to hide my sadness. I may not have said anything, but it was obvious that I was teetering on the edge of a black hole, every moment threatening to suck me down into dark oblivion. I had to spend every day smiling, proving to Edward that all was forgiven, that we were happier than ever. But beneath the surface, that surface that threatened to crumble with every false proclamation of adoration, my heart was beating to the sound of Jacob’s name, loud and painful, a plaintive cry that said “Can’t you hear this? It’s for you.”

There was no answer.

xxx

After a while, Edward caught on that all was not roses and sunshine in paradise. He thought it was residual pain from our separation; he suggested I invite Jessica and Angela over for a girls’ night, or go out to the movies. Something to prove that he wasn’t taking me away from my human life. As if that would fix anything.

I decided to call Jacob. I missed him. He was my best friend, or at least he was supposed to be. We could still be friends. Sure, we were both miserable and straddling the line between passionate love and fiery hatred, but that was no excuse. At least, that’s what I told myself. I couldn’t stand not doing anything to fix this.

He answered on the fifth ring. He sounded just as dejected as I feared he would. I gulped, and tried not to let my voice shake.

“Hey Jake.”

“Bella.” I was disappointed to note that he didn't sound any happier when he knew it was me.

“I, uhm…well, I was hoping we could…you know, talk? Maybe?”

“Oh?” He didn't even bother to hide his disinterest.

“Yeah. Jake, I miss you…please?” I couldn’t stop my voice from cracking.

He sounded marginally less dismal. “Okay…yeah. We’re having a party in La Push tonight…will the leech let you come?”

I answered forcefully. “I’ll be there.”

xxx

The tires of the Chevy crunched over the gravel as I drove into La Push. I shut off the car, wondering if this was a good idea. It’s not like anything had changed, I couldn’t offer Jacob any silver lining. It occurred to me that I may have given him the wrong impression on the phone. As I realized what a bad idea this was, I was about to start the car and go back home when Jacob appeared at my window. I stared at him, torn. There wasn’t much I could do now. I had to get out.

Jacob offered me his hand as I stepped out of the cab. He shut the door for me, and led me towards the bonfire. It was dark, and the moon shone brightly above the scene. The whole pack was there, and many others besides. Most of the Quileutes I didn’t recognize. There was plenty of food being passed around, most of it charred and attached to a stick. It smelled delicious. I closed my eyes and inhaled appreciatively. Jake smiled and took my hand, leading me towards one of the logs being used as benches. We sat down and were immediately accosted.

“Heyyy, it’s Bella! What’s up, girl?” Embry grinned at me impishly and winked. I smiled back at him, and noticed Quil standing slightly behind his friend.

“Hey Bella.” He waved at me shyly. I was quickly feeling better about coming to La Push. Jake offered me a hot dog, and I took it gratefully. The boys chatted for a while as I blew on the blackened hot dog and allowed the heat of the fire to wash over me. I took a bite, and instantly regretted it. Hot skin was one thing; a piping hot mouth was another. I started hopping up and down, fanning myself ineffectively. The three boys had stopped mid-conversation to stare at me with wide eyes, and I tried to talk around the scorching food in my mouth. I took a moment to wish I hadn’t taken such a large bite.

“Hot!” It came out garbled, but understandable. The boys burst into laughter, and Jake, shoulders shaking, took my hand and led me towards the house. Judging by the set of his jaw, not laughing in my face was a huge effort.

He pulled me into the kitchen, took a glass from a cupboard and filled it with water from the sink, handing it to me. I swallowed the hot dog, and the whole glass followed in one gulp. I exhaled appreciatively, panting. I looked up to see Jake barely hiding his grin. I couldn’t help but smile back.

“Well, I’m nothing if not entertaining.” I stuck my tongue out at him. He burst into a deep, throaty laugh. I would gladly make a fool of myself all day long for that laugh. It felt like our relationship had never suffered for a moment. Of course, I had to ruin it by opening my mouth.

“Listen, Jake…I really need to talk to you.” The grin slid off his face in a heartbeat.  I felt guilty, but it had to be done. Ripped off quickly, like a Band-Aid. “I know it sounded like I came here to tell you I changed my mind, but…well, I just wanted to explain.” The happiness was replaced by the Sam-mask I had grown to hate. Not that I could really blame him. I was about to break his heart. Again.

Jacob’s hands formed into fists, and his arms began shaking. I could see every muscle in his arm, pulled taut. The glass slipped from his grip and shattered on the linoleum. We both knelt down and grabbed for the same piece of glass. It sliced across his palm and punctured my finger. I pulled back in pain, but Jacob quickly gathered up the pieces and tossed them in the trash. His cut had already healed; the only evidence of an injury was his blood dotted on the floor. My finger was still dripping slightly. I applied some pressure to it, watching Jacob deftly wipe up the small mess.

“I know you think I’m making the wrong decision, and I’m sorry I hurt you, but I really don’t want to lose my best friend.” I looked up at him, pleading.

“So what you’re saying is, nothing’s changed, but you want me to ignore it and be your friend?” He spat the words, making them sound dirty and pathetic.

“Come on, that’s not fair-“

“Fair? Nothing about this is fair! You’re gonna give up everything you have for that parasite?! And I’m supposed to just stand by and say ‘Good for you, Bella! I’m so happy for you’?”

“He can give me everything! Love, a family-“

“You already have a family, Bella.” His voice became quiet and stone cold. “Let’s be honest. You want to live forever and never change. You know what that is? Being a coward. You’re just running away from life because you’re scared of it coming at you too quickly. You want to leave behind Charlie, Renee, your friends, me…for what? So you don’t have to deal with pain, and death? That’s what life is, Bella, and you can’t run away from it by becoming a bloodsucker. I love you, Bella, and I know you love me back. But if you can look me in the eye and tell me that none of this is true and that none of these people matter to you, then fine. You’ll never hear another word out of me.”

God, he was killing me. As much as I wanted to break down and scream and punch those stupid rock-hard abs (that would probably break every finger I had, and some other bones besides) and tell him he was an idiot if he couldn’t tell I loved him, I couldn’t. It killed me. Quite literally, someday it would.

But I did what I had to do. After all, at the end of the day, no matter how selfless she may like to think she is, Bella Swan is a selfish creature. And being frozen in time with a man who couldn’t help but adore you, who would pluck you out of the stream of time, where age and pain and change all dwell, was exactly what I would choose. Even if it broke the man I loved.

I looked him in the eyes and said it. “You’re wrong.” There was a moment that lasted an eternity, where all I could see was the light go out in his eyes. It was replaced with unbearable hurt, and longing, and disappointment. For a moment, all sounds ceased, the world stopped moving. And then it shattered, and everything picked back up, double-time. He blinked. I couldn’t, or I’d drown in my own tears. And then he was gone. I wanted to move, but I couldn’t. I felt like I would become a permanent fixture in this kitchen, like a very strange museum. Maybe I’d get a little plaque, explaining. Bella Swan, a monument to lost love and a testament to the immortal nature of stupidity.

“You’re an idiot.” I whirled around, surprised to see Leah leaning against the door jamb, staring at me. If I was hoping to see a big “just kidding!” smile on her face, I was disappointed. Her arms were folded across her chest, her full lips set in a distinctly displeased line.

“Uhm…thanks.” I responded, lamely and a beat too late. I flushed and chose to stare at a scuff on the floor instead of meeting Leah’s bright, judging eyes. I heard her snort at my answer, and grudgingly looked up at her.

“What does he see in you?” Well, I didn’t have an answer to that. “I mean, he’s an annoying little punk, but you’ve got it good. He’s so into you, and you don’t even want it.” I really didn’t have an answer to that. She continued to stare at me, not blinking, practically boring holes into my face. I’m not sure what she was looking for, but she didn’t seem to find it. After a long moment, she sighed angrily. “Idiot.” And then she turned and stalked off. Belatedly, I moved as if to follow her, to argue, to tell her that she didn’t know what she was talking about.

But then I realized that she was right.

xxx

I finally managed to get out of that kitchen. I veered around the bonfire, and the people dancing and eating and laughing. I kept my eyes on the ground, and concentrated on not bursting into tears. Unfortunately, I didn’t make it to my car without running into anyone.

Sam stepped in my path silently, as all the wolves were wont to do. I would have squeaked in surprise if I hadn’t been so intent on fusing my molars together. I was scared to look at him, but I couldn’t not do it. His face was completely devoid of any emotion. This was not altogether comforting.

He appraised me for a moment, and finally spoke. “Don’t come back here, Bella.” I started to shake. “It’s for the best.” I nodded and pushed past him.

Somehow I managed to get into my truck, start the ignition and drive out of La Push. It wasn’t until I was halfway home that I began sobbing.

xxx

After half an hour of crying uselessly in the truck, I managed to drag myself into the house. The lights were off, and the only sound was Charlie’s snoring from upstairs. Good, he hadn’t waited up for me. I could be miserable in peace.

I hadn’t even made it through the kitchen when two granite arms shot out of the dark and gripped my shoulders. I was about to scream, but the arms shook me and it stuck in my throat.

“What the hell, Bella? Where were you? What happened?” Alice kept her voice down so as not to wake Charlie, but the panic was still clear. Why she was panicking, however, wasn’t clear at all.

“Uh…I went out?”

“Yeah, you went to La Push, and I expected not to see anything. But I saw you coming home, safely, until an hour ago, when everything disappeared. Everything, Bella. As far as I know, you don’t even exist anymore. Can you explain that?”

“No? I’m really not up for this, Alice, okay? I just want to be alone right now.” I sagged, no longer interested in this conversation. Alice’s arms were the only things preventing me from curling up in a ball, right there on the kitchen floor. Her topaz eyes searched my face, looking for some sort of clue. Finally she let me go, brows furrowed and lips set in a thin line. She would let this go, for now.

“Fine. But I’m sleeping over.” I snorted at Alice’s cavalier use of a verb that she should have discarded decades ago, but otherwise let it go. Once, I would have been grateful for Alice’s presence. But not tonight.

As I shuffled from my bedroom to the bathroom and back, Alice flitted from room to room, hovering beside me. I had no idea what kind of answers she expected to find from my toothbrush, but I would leave her to it. As far as I was concerned, nothing mattered anymore. I spared a moment to ponder whether or not I deserved a cut for every use of that Metallica song. Finally, I collapsed on my bed, not bothering to crawl under the covers. Maybe I could freeze to death in my sleep. I deserved no better.

I clamped my eyes shut and pretended to ignore Alice in the rocking chair, staring at me; even when Edward showed up at my window, and they had a hurried conversation in tones too low for my pathetic mortal ears. She must have warned him off, because he looked at me, concerned, and disappeared.

And then there were two.

xxx

Weeks later, I was still hounded by the same dream.  Ever since my confrontation with Jacob in La Push, I’d been plagued with this vision. For one brief, shining moment, I could see it-walking away, but not really away. Walking to Jacob. Walking with Jacob. My bright, warm, happy smiling wolf. That last word shattered my blissful imaginings. He was a wolf. A big, strong, larger-than-life, supersensory werewolf. I could never compete with that. Sure, Emily and Kim were humans, and they managed to find happiness with their own wolf-boys, but they didn’t have two different sets of vampires after them, either. I certainly didn’t want something to happen to Jacob because of me. I wanted to deal with this myself. I wanted to be a vampire. I wanted to be taken seriously in this game. Not that it was a game, so much as a threat of death looming ahead of my every move. Edward could give me that. It would be painful, but I could handle painful. What I couldn’t handle was permanent inferiority. I was sick of this specter, sick of the heavy burden of fear that was my constant companion. I was sick of being the pawn; I wanted to be the queen.

In my dream, I was a wolf. I was running, but I wasn’t running away from anything, I was running just to see my legs extend in front of me, to feel the surge of power. It was glorious freedom, freedom from the constraints of the very earth. The motorcycles had been nothing compared to this. I wasn’t tired, or scared; I felt light and quick as the air itself.

Sooner or later, Jacob would show up beside me in his wolf form, and we would run together. Then he sped up, swerved in front of me to cut me off, and skidded backwards. He bared his teeth, growling menacingly. I would bark a laugh; did he really think he could stop me that easily? My muscles contracted, and I leapt over him gracefully. I turned back to face him, and saw what had provoked Jacob-a tall, pale figure that smelled sickly sweet. I glared at him, at his glittering skin, at his tousled bronze hair, at his amber eyes. I felt a surge of emotion, a violent aggression I had never consciously known. I wanted to sink my teeth into that mocking face, I wanted to rip him apart. I wanted to kill. So I lunged.

I woke up in a cold sweat, panting heavily. I felt exhausted from the exaggerated emotions I had dreamt, physically spent from my own imagination. Edward must have sensed my waking, because he sat up and turned on the lamp on my nightstand.

“Bella? Are you all right?” His eyes searched my face for any sign of anxiety. It took me a moment to collect myself.

“Fine. Just a nightmare.” I excused myself and went to the bathroom down the hall. Leaning on the sink, I examined myself in the mirror. I looked like hell. My hair was disheveled, there were red splotches on my cheeks, and my face was covered in a thin sheen of sweat. I splashed my face with cool water and tried to gather my thoughts. They continued to chase each other around my mind, though, so I sat down and focused on breathing. In, out. In, out. Pull yourself together, Bella.

Not for the first time, I thought how fortunate I was that Edward couldn’t see inside my head. I felt a pang of shame as I imagined him witnessing what I had done. In my subconscious, but the fact that I had felt that way at all was bad enough.

I had made my choice, and I had to stick to it. I couldn’t allow these thoughts to fester. I loved Edward. I love Edward. I looked in the mirror again.

Keep telling yourself that.

xxx

Not to put too fine a point on the situation, life sucked. School was dismally boring, as usual. My human friends were just as trivial as ever. And for the first time ever, I was becoming very irritated with the Cullens.

At lunch, I tried to maintain the appropriate expressions of interest while Mike told the group about a basketball game. Edward and Alice were smiling, faking enthusiasm much better than I was. Edward was absentmindedly twisting a lock of my hair around his finger. Inexplicable rage was slowly building up inside me and threatening to erupt like Vesuvius. Finally, I had to react. I swatted his hand away, biting my lip to prevent myself from reacting further. He looked confused, but I continued to stare at Mike as if I were intensely interested in what he was saying. In truth, I couldn’t even hear him. All I could hear was that voice in my head, screaming Don’t, don’t, don’t! You’re not Jacob. And the other voice shouting back, And whose fault is that?

I avoided the looks of my friends in spectacular fashion as Edward tried to put his hand on my shoulder and I responded by slamming down my water bottle and storming out of the cafeteria. For the first time, Edward was stunned. He didn’t follow me.

But Alice did. I didn’t know I was heading outside until I got there, but somehow, Alice had beaten me to it. She was facing me, feet planted on the sidewalk, arms crossed, and angrily blocking my way.

“Go away, Alice.” I tried to push past her, but I would have been more successful if I had tried to walk through a block of concrete.

“What’s going on, Bella?” Her expression was torn between anger and confusion, but her voice was surprisingly soft. The frustration whooshed out of me as quickly as it had appeared.

“I don’t…I don’t know.”

“You’re not acting like yourself.” She clearly expected an explanation. Alice wasn’t used to not knowing the answers. I couldn’t help her there.

“I know.” I shrugged. “I’m just...I dunno. In a funk, I guess.” This didn’t satisfy her, and I didn’t expect it to. But I was just as much at a loss as she was. She changed tactics.

“Can you tell me why I still can’t see you?”

“I’m standing right in front of you, Alice.”

“I know! I can see you; I just can’t…see you. You know.” She tapped a finger to her forehead. I shook my head, frustration building up again. What did she expect from me? Was I a crystal ball? No. I was a stupid, inconsequential human, with no supernatural powers whatsoever. I felt an itch under my skin; I wanted to get out of here. Alice could see that I was getting upset again, so she attempted a comforting smile. “Hey, how about we cut the rest of our classes and go have some fun?” Suddenly her face lit up, and she clapped her hands. “I know! We can get mani-pedis! Oh my gosh, Bella, I’ve been absolutely dying to attack those nails of yours! And then we can get your hair done! And then-“ She grabbed my elbow, a bit tighter than necessary, and towed me across the parking lot towards the Cullens’ Volvo.

xxx

Six excruciating hours later, I was back in the relative safety of my home. I closed the front door behind me and leaned against it, trying to block out the very definition of cuticle pushers. I shivered at the memory, and made my way to the kitchen. I was set to grab the milk carton from the fridge when Charlie entered.

“Bella? Is that you?” I looked at him, trying to mentally send the message of Not a word without actually having to say it.

“Who else would it be, Dad?”

He tried to stifle a snigger. “Well, the Bella I know doesn’t have banana curls and hot pink toenails.” I pushed past him with a huff, the milk forgotten.

“Yeah, well, the father I know doesn’t know what a ‘banana curl’ is.” I could hear his loud guffaws even as I slammed my bedroom door, extra hard for emphasis.

Unfortunately, the night did not end there. Edward was waiting for me, feigning nonchalance as he flipped through a magazine on my bed.

“Girl time?” He smiled, and I remembered how once that would have made my heart jump.

“Yeah. Loads of fun.” I feverishly ran a brush through my overly-styled hair and tried to rub off the sixteen layers of nail polish. Edward was not impressed.

“Alice won’t be too happy about that.”

“Too bad. I’m not a Barbie doll, and you can tell her that.” Edward didn’t respond. He watched me in silence as I removed every feminine trace of the afternoon and changed into my rattiest sweats. When I had nothing else to do, I stood in the middle of the room with my hands on my hips.

“You look like you’re waiting for a fight, Bella.” His placating tone was infuriating.

“Yeah, well, maybe I am!” This was hardly a mature answer, but I couldn’t hold back any longer. “Maybe I’m sick of this. Maybe I’m sick of you treating me like a child, and Alice pushing and pulling me around like a rag doll, and maybe I just want to be a vampire, once and for all!”

Edward just stared at me. “Is that what this is about?”

“Obviously! So? Are you going to change me or not?”

“This is about that dog, isn’t it.” It wasn’t a question, and that just added fuel to my ever-growing fire.

“No! Damn it, Edward, this is about me! Don’t you get it?” I tugged at my hair and just shrieked, but it was quickly cut off by Edward’s hand over my mouth.

He whispered in my ear, “Charlie will hear you.”  And before I knew it, I was borne out the window and into the Cullen house.

Edward set me down in the foyer and stepped away. “Continue.” I rolled my eyes. Like I needed his permission.

“I’m not waiting any more. Either you turn me, or we’re through.”

This was unexpected, to say the least. “Right now?” He shot for sarcasm, and failed.

“Yes. Right now.”

“What about Charlie? And Renee, and your friends?”

“What about them?”

Edward sighed. “You don’t know what you’re saying, Bella. You haven’t even begun living yet; you don’t know what you’re giving up.”

“Yes. I do. I’ve thought it over. It’s my decision.” As I stared at him, I began to waver. There was only sadness in his face. “Don’t you want me to be part of your family? Don’t you want us to be together forever?”

“Of course I do…”

“Then just do it!” My voice sounded desperate and pitiful, but I didn’t care. A small part of me was arguing that I was doing this for the wrong reasons; that I didn’t want to be with Edward anymore, that I was afraid and desperate to escape from what my life had become. But the angry, adrenaline-fueled part of me was stronger at the moment and quickly quashed it.

Edward’s silence was driving me to distraction. I looked around at the house that I had wanted to live in for so long. It looked different to me now. The open floor plan and light colors no longer rang of happiness to me; now they were merely decorative trappings to what was essentially a dusty tomb. The house was a lie. The people who entered this house never left alive.

I screwed my eyes shut and pictured the Cullens. Emmett, who had once seemed like the brother I had never had. And Rosalie, who was no fan of mine but whose beauty I envied and hoped to share. Jasper, who had been there for me in Phoenix. Carlisle and Esme, the parents I wished could be my own. Alice, who I had once considered my best friend, until someone else had come in to hold me together when she had left.

And Edward. Edward, who I had once considered the single most beautiful creature on the planet. Edward, my guardian angel, who had changed my life and tempted me with eternity, an empty promise.

I imagined them all disappearing like dust, blown away by the wind. I felt oddly detached at the image.

I looked back at Edward, who was still watching me in concern. I pictured Renee, my scatterbrained mother who had a new husband to take care of her. And Charlie. Who would take care of Charlie when I left? I felt a pang of regret, and tried to shoo the pain away by remembering that he had made it 17 years on his own, and he would continue to do so. They would be all right without me. Wouldn’t they?

“Never mind.” I left the house, and walked all the way back to my own.

xxx

I was tired the next day. I hadn’t slept well. Nightmares had plagued me all night; distorted images of all the people I had ever loved attacked me, wondering what was wrong with me. Asking me how I could do this to them, what I was thinking, how I could be so self-involved. I didn’t have an answer.

Edward sat beside me in Biology, but I didn’t look up. He coughed to get my attention, and I realized I was being childish.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” He seemed relieved that I was speaking to him. “I thought you needed some time alone, so I stayed away.”

“Yeah, the six mile walk back home did wonders for clearing my head.” He looked sheepish, but I could hardly bring myself to care. “So, any plans for the weekend? Super secret vampire plans for being awesome that are too awesome to share with mere humans?”

“Bella…”

“Forget it.” Luckily, Mr. Banner chose that precise moment to begin the lecture.

xxx

Edward was waiting for me after Gym. I was sullen, but a particularly disastrous game of dodge ball had beaten the argumentative urge right out of me. He fell into step beside me, but didn’t speak.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“So, you’re like…frozen the way you are, right? You’ll never change?” I looked at him, but I could tell he was trying to out-maneuver a landmine. “I mean, you love me, and you’ll love me that way forever, right? It’ll never change.”

He relaxed. “Yes. That’s true.”

I nodded. “So, if you did change me, right now-“ He tensed again, but I waved it away-“hypothetically, if you changed me right now, I would be frozen exactly like I am right now?”

“More or less, yes.”

I definitely didn’t like the sound of that.

xxx

I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something was building up inside me; something was scratching at my skin, hissing to get out. It was all I could feel anymore. I felt like a ghost, floating through the different set pieces of the life I had sentenced myself to. I hated every second of it. I wished I could just disappear. Shockingly, this did not happen.

Edward and I were barely speaking these days, and when we did, it was the same old argument. Our relationship had become very tense. I stopped going to see the Cullens. I spent a lot of time in my room, rereading Romeo and Juliet and wondering why I had once found it so appealing and why Juliet couldn’t just run off and have adventures on her own. Most people fell back into the pattern of ignoring my presence. Apparently, Bella Swan would make really good wallpaper. The only person who kept badgering me (in her usual annoying fashion; how had I never noticed this before?) was Alice. Good old Alice. She was nothing if not tenacious. And in my face.

“Bella, I need to talk to you.” I was in my kitchen, preparing dinner, when she appeared at my elbow. Instead of dropping the head of lettuce or cutting myself with the knife, I didn’t even look at her.

“Sounds to me like you already are.”

“See, that right there? The Bella I know isn’t this sarcastic. And she’s usually happy to see me.” I looked up and pasted a bright, fake smile on my face. Alice just rolled her eyes. “More importantly, the Bella I know is madly in love with my brother, and doesn’t treat him like the new and improved Bella 2.0 does.” Finally, I put down the knife and turned to face her.

“Something on your mind, Alice?”

“Yes, it is. I want to know what your problem is.”

“Okay, I’ll tell you! You have some nerve telling me who I am when I barely know! Do I have friends? Interests? Hobbies? No, I have Edward!” I spat his name, and Alice narrowed her eyes threateningly. “Or at least, I thought I did. What, am I not good enough to be perfect like all of you? I thought you cared about me! I thought you all wanted me to be part of the family! But when Edward says go, you all pick up and leave without a word! You were supposed to be my friend, Alice! Or didn’t you care what happened to me when you left?”

I couldn’t read the expression on her face. “You disappeared.” The sudden change of subject was too much for me.

“Oh my God, Alice! One, I already told you I have no idea why, and two, I don’t care!” I fell into a chair and buried my face in my hands.

“No. I mean, before everything disappeared…I used to see you becoming one of us. I stopped seeing that, before Italy.” This was stunning news, and I had no idea what to make of it. I looked into Alice’s face, and something passed between us. She looked pitying, and for a second the affection I had once felt for her was rekindled. And then it went out, and there was nothing. When she spoke again, her voice was soft. “I can tell the Volturi, about how your future disappeared. Pass it off as your death, or something.” She turned to leave, but I didn’t look up.

“I’ll tell Edward you said good bye.” I looked up then, but she was already gone.

xxx

When Alice had gone, I retreated to my room to think. She had said that she had stopped seeing my future as a Cullen, before she had enlisted me to bring Edward back from Italy. I remembered it clearly. Driving up to see Carlisle's car in front of my house, after the cliff-diving incident. I had been excited.

I had barely had time to throw myself at Alice before she had announced Edward's plan to kill himself in Volterra. Before I could form a coherent thought, we were both on a plane. At the time, I had been relying on instinct and adrenaline to guide me. With Alice, I didn't have to think about the consequences of what I was doing. Jacob would be there when I returned. I couldn't think about what Edward would do. All I could think was that I owed the Cullens too much to let Edward die.

Now I realized that Alice's role in the rescue mission was not what I had thought. She had known that I wasn't in their future. She had taken the future into her own hands. I should have been grateful, but I couldn't find it in me. Despite all reason, knowing that Alice couldn't know about my relationship with Jacob, I was angry. I wanted to yell at her.

When I dialed the Cullens' familiar number, there was only a recording, telling me that the number I had dialed was no longer in service.

xxx

I must have picked up the phone and dialed Jacob’s number a hundred times. Each time it rang, however, I slammed it down. I was a chicken. But I couldn’t get Sam’s voice out of my head. He had told me not to come back. Jacob hadn’t made much of an effort to contact me afterward. Not that I could really blame him, after the confrontation at the party.

But the more I thought about it, the more I grew to feel an irrational anger at him. He had said he would never wish me to be a werewolf. I knew this wasn’t possible, and so it wasn’t much of an issue, but I couldn’t help but resent him for it. Didn’t anyone want me in their group? Was I doomed to be a loner for the rest of my life, fitting in nowhere? True, the pack had welcomed me, and I would be just as much a part of them as Emily and Kim were. But I didn’t much like the second fiddle, damsel in distress part. None of it was rational, and I knew this. But maybe this was just another way of the universe telling me that neither side was destined for me. Too hot, too cold. I had never had cause to relate to Goldilocks before, and I certainly wasn’t a particular fan of porridge, but where the hell was my just right? First I had thought it was Edward. Then it had been Jacob. I still wanted him, but I wanted a fairy tale future, too.

I was startled out of my reverie by the phone ringing. I answered immediately.

“Bella?”

“Yes?” I sounded too eager, even to my own ears.

“This is Embry.”

“Oh. Uh…hi. I didn’t expect to be getting a call from you.”

“Yeah. Well, Jake wanted me to tell you to stop calling him.” Well, that hurt.

“Oh. Okay. Sorry.”

“Just the messenger. I had no say in the matter. If I did, I would never say no to a girl phone-stalking me.”

“Well, that’s…nice.”

“Yeah. Listen, Jake might not be interested, but I-“

“Gotta go, Embry, bye!”

I hung up and retreated to my room to cry uselessly.

xxx

I couldn't believe that I had been rejected by Jacob. He had always been my safe harbor. Without him, I didn't know where to turn. I was left to stand on my own, but I didn't know how.

I fell back into my old ways. Loneliness had rekindled an attachment to the Cullens, and I was overwhelmed with the urge to visit the mansion. I had been appalled at my lack of emotion over our separation, and became convinced that I just needed to see them again. However, pulling up to the familiar house was anticlimactic. Instead of inspiring a rush of feeling, I found my mind wandering to Jacob, barely taking in the sight of the empty building in front of me.

Turning back to the car, I saw something moving in the trees. My curiosity got the better of me, and I crept closer. A minute later I was face to face with none other than Leah. She didn't look surprised to see me.

"I heard they left. Wanted to see for myself." She didn't bother hiding her smile.

"Yeah."

"I also have a message from Sam. He wants me to tell you not to forget what he said at the party."

"So you're Sam's messenger now? You drop everything when he says go?" If I had been trying to push her buttons, I had obviously found the big red one marked "Push Only In Case of Suicidal Intent".

Her voice was venomous. "Hardly. Sam's an asshole, but he does what's best for the pack. And you, dear, might as well be werewolf kryptonite." She glared at me. "I don't know what you did to wrap Jacob around your little finger, but you're done." In a second, she was gone, and I was left with all the ill feelings that I had been harboring, begging to escape.

That was it. I wasn't about to let Leah, or Sam, or Embry, or anyone keep me from seeing Jacob. He could say it to my face.

I had driven to La Push before I had really formed the thought. Slamming the car door, I marched up to the Blacks' front door and banged on it. No one answered. I gave it a minute, but still no one answered. I decided to check the garage.

Halfway around the house, I saw Jacob standing there. He had his arms crossed and his expression wasn't particularly friendly. This didn't stop me.

"What the hell, Jacob? You're just never gonna speak to me again?" He ignored that.

"Funny how you only drop by now that the bloodsuckers are gone. It's great, being the consolation prize."

I deflated instantly. "You know it's not like that. I had to choose them. If it were different, if I could be a werewolf, like you--"

"Then you'd pick me? I would never do that to you, Bella. I would never wish that on anyone. And you don't even see it--you have everything! And you could have everything with me! Could you have said the same about Cullen? He would have turned you, and you would never be able to see your family or friends again. You would never see me again."
Tears welled up again at the thought. I couldn't imagine life without Jacob. "I don't want that, I never wanted that..." I whispered. "I want you." He didn't move, so I wandered into the woods to cry.