It's Not An Easy Season

[veracity]

Let's count my blessings first. Because that list is so much shorter and no particular order.

• I love my boyfriend. As in I can see him in my future for the rest of my life. He makes me into such a better person. I'm more relaxed, less anxious, more complete when he's around. Sven gives me life completely. Everything good for my future comes from him.
• I love my friends. I have so few people in my life right now that I can say "help me" and get a decent response time, but my friends do such a good job. Airbear has put up with my mindless insanity lately. Moreso than anyone should.

See, told you. Short list. But I have so many things circling in my head. I have Dysthymia, a form of depression. Probably all my life. I do a job of putting on an excellent show, I think, so people take my snark as something not calling out for help. Totally is, though. Clever girls learn the ropes on how to keep people at bay, hiding all the pain. It's a thing you learn for survival. Except I'm so much more open to emotions right now. Being in love is a blessing and a catalyst. I would never give up being in love, especially since I have the rarity of knowing my other half who fills in so many parts of my being. But it also makes me more aware to the injustices and commentary my family offers me far too often. It's like waking up in the middle of a panic attack. An on-going, never ending spiral of guilt, horror, self-recrimination and helpless truth.

Also means that I'm more liable to fall into major depression, like now. I've cried (big, huge, snot inducing cries) twice in four days. Remember, I'm not a particularly hard or often crier. Christmas was hell and today was just as bad. I'm realizing how fucked up I really am. So yay for DOUBLE depression! Now I feel everything, except I've added 3D to the Technicolor. There are things I don't say. I don't talk about. Because I don't want people to think about and focus on those. No one needs to carry my weights, even if they're asking to. Because I know everything being asked on holding me up. And it's more than can be imagined. Right now, I'm in a deep slide and I'm just going further. I'd hoped that Sven had cured me. Stupid me. You can't cure a mentally wronged wire upstairs in the brain. Stupid, stupid me.

Living with my emotionally abusive mother doesn't help. But I can't blame her. Why? Because I allow it to happen. I had stopped, but the words are still burrowed deep inside me brain. In this house, if you aren't being beaten, you aren't being abused. I saw this coming when I had nowhere else to go. Still don't. Fucked credit and no job, taking 5 classes next semester, doesn't allow for much work time. I'm so close to graduating. Only 7 classes, so either the summer or fall 2014. So fucking close. And I'm just...not even that excited. I'm also having trouble sleeping. Stress is a killer of many things. All I want to do is be away. Be done. Be in a place where I can get the help I so desperately need. But that place will never be where I am. Any more than my mother not qualifying and seesawing her love for me. Now I'll go to bed, pretend that I'm really okay, smile wide and fake, not letting the world into just how fucked up I really am.

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