Untangled Webs
As it gets closer to my birthday, I get more...I don't want to say down on myself or even introspective. It's more than that. It's like, okay, I'm the harshest critic in the history of criticdom. I don’t hold punches, and if you think I’m mean or evil about you, have no fear: I’m usually about 3 times worse to myself.
All that has led to me having too much to think, to ponder, to realize just how damned lazy, self-pitying, and worthless I’ve been in the past nine years. I should have my Master’s by now. I should be teaching college. Instead, I pussyfooted around, wasted a third of my life, and generally just acted like some kind of privileged worthless moron. Go team me? I’ll be 27 soon and I still feel like I’m 18. That’s so not good. I should be further, by my own accounts. I should be doing more. I’m so tired of all this crap. I’m sorry; I’m not 17. This shit should already be settled.
Every year at my birthday, all these thoughts descend. It’s like I can’t change them. I have so many goals for myself and I always make excuses to not do it. Which is ridiculous, because I’m better than that. I know it; the world knows it. And I self-sabotage anyway. Probably part of my toddler education. I feel like I need to be screaming, running away from here, on my own. I want to leave now, but every time I do, my godmom overloads my plate. I’m sure it’s on purpose, too. She keeps volunteering me for things that I can’t do, either from schedule or other duties that I need to do for me. And if I say it, I’m selfish. Okay, fine. I am rather self-absorbed a good bit of the time, but I’m more than someone’s only thing for living. I need to get out and grow…for me. I need to leave before I go nuts, or turn into my godmom: bitter, a shut-in, overdependent. I’m too young to be like that.
There’s so much weighing on my mind. I usually don’t talk about it, which is why this journal is full of so much bitching. It’s my outlet, one I really need. I think I’m trailing off. Though, I’m not posting this so much for sympathy as airing it out. So I can let it grow out and untangle over time. Last night, I did some thought shopping. I needed to do something to expend energy. And now I need to go to bed because I'll have a long day.
Con report coming this weekend, after I turn in a few assignments due Friday.