(no subject)
guh. my sister just called me in tears, looking for our father. it's weird, there's a whole bunch of her life i know nothing about, and am not involved in - her mother, all the drama between her and my father (and our sister)...all that's just secondhand. her mother would kill jalyne if she knew jalyne even sees us...there's all this tension there, just below the surface. i love her, and she loves me, but sometimes there's this something awkward that i can't really define but i know what it is - it's that part of her life i don't belong in.
so she called me today, and that was the first time i'd ever even heard her cry. (remember, i've never lived with her). i was at a bit of a loss at what to do - of course i offered an ear, but got the expected response - i love you, but this isn't really something i can talk to you about. *sniffle, sniffle, sob* its about stuff you're not involved in...i just wanted someone i could talk to, so i called our father hoping he was home because he isn't answering his cell...(see, even there there's that awkwardsness - what do we call our father when i call him Abba and she calls him...well, i don't know. the father? jay? maybe one day she'll get to the point where she's comfortable enough to call him dad, and i really hope she does.)
i felt so useless. how can i be a sister when i can't talk to her about this? i don't resent it, and i totally understand, but it saddens me all the same. i have a younger brother, so i'm the older sister in the sense that we never get along and never talk. but...i wish i could be a sister to her, too. i mean, we're close and talk about stuff. but...it never gets past a certain point. i know i'm the younger one, but i want the opportunity to be her sister - to listen to her bitch, give her dating advice, tell her which shirt looks better. i want to be there for her to lean on, not just to hear her amusing anecdotes of boy troubles when she was my age. i want to have a fight with her over who gets to use the bathroom, or something stupid like that. and i can't. i've never fought with her, and i most likely never will.
i hate it.
so she called me today, and that was the first time i'd ever even heard her cry. (remember, i've never lived with her). i was at a bit of a loss at what to do - of course i offered an ear, but got the expected response - i love you, but this isn't really something i can talk to you about. *sniffle, sniffle, sob* its about stuff you're not involved in...i just wanted someone i could talk to, so i called our father hoping he was home because he isn't answering his cell...(see, even there there's that awkwardsness - what do we call our father when i call him Abba and she calls him...well, i don't know. the father? jay? maybe one day she'll get to the point where she's comfortable enough to call him dad, and i really hope she does.)
i felt so useless. how can i be a sister when i can't talk to her about this? i don't resent it, and i totally understand, but it saddens me all the same. i have a younger brother, so i'm the older sister in the sense that we never get along and never talk. but...i wish i could be a sister to her, too. i mean, we're close and talk about stuff. but...it never gets past a certain point. i know i'm the younger one, but i want the opportunity to be her sister - to listen to her bitch, give her dating advice, tell her which shirt looks better. i want to be there for her to lean on, not just to hear her amusing anecdotes of boy troubles when she was my age. i want to have a fight with her over who gets to use the bathroom, or something stupid like that. and i can't. i've never fought with her, and i most likely never will.
i hate it.