(no subject)
Tonight I had peanut chicken for the first time w/o Matt. It didn't taste as good as I remember.
I miss him and it's nearly constant. snarkybleu says I need to wait. She compares me to Lucy holding out the football to Matt's Charlie Brown. She strongly believes that I made the right decision. Taking time for myself and doing what feels right for me. I know he's moving on. I know he's doing things that make him happy. Getting a place in The City, going to events with new friends, opening up, being at one with his Source and sharing it. The strides he is making are phenomenal and I am so overjoyed for him. I so dearly wish that I could tell him. I so very much wish that I could be there with him, by his side. As I did what I felt I had to, so did he. He refuses any contact with me and none of our mutual friends are to speak of me to him. He's doing what he must to carry on.
It's been nearly seven weeks since I last saw him. I've called him once and hung up. The whole time the phone was ringing, I was thinking, "don't pick up! don't pick up! what am I gonna say? what am I gonna say? don't pick up!" He didn't. I listened to his message which made me smile fondly and brought a little tear to my eye. I hung up immediately following the beep. Strangely enough, he called me back. He, too, did not leave a message. The only other contact I have initiated has been regarding the insurance on the Isuzu which had been going to my parents' house. The policy had expired and I was trying to let him know so that he could make arrangements. He never once responded. I do respect how he is staying true to what he believes is right and best for him.
I visited kathykat one day last week. Spent a few hours in her turret with her and the Weeb. I shared with her how I've been feeling. Her overall feeling? Why aren't we together? We still love one another so aren't we with one another? I feel like it may be too late. I took too long. I needed to come to my own conclusions in my own time and I couldn't take that leap for him. I needed to make plodding steps towards my decision. didn't the Tortoise win the race, despite being slow? Later that night, she called Matt. She told him that I still loved him and he loved me and demanded to know why we weren't together. He replied that it would require action on my part that I'm not willing to take. What does that mean? Does it mean that if I went to him, prostrating myself, he would take me back? Does it mean that he would be willing to try?
I want to be vulnerable & open myself up to the wonders of Love. I want to lay myself bare to the beauty of another's soul. I want to worry less about myself and what I may lose and simply surrender to whatever may come.
I cried for sheer, unadulterated joy upon rediscovering my love for Matt that magical Sunday afternoon in The City. (For both of us, there is now only one Sunday that matters.) Reconnecting not just with him but also with a piece of my soul from which I had sealed myself off.
How long do I wait? Do I simply live my life with my love for him looming in the background? Do I attempt to make significant contact? Do I just let it be and allow time to soften the edges? Do I sit at the train station, waiting to talk with him, one weekday afternoon? (Susie Stalker?)
It's so hard just to Let it Be. Maybe I should just go make a cuppa tea?
I miss him and it's nearly constant. snarkybleu says I need to wait. She compares me to Lucy holding out the football to Matt's Charlie Brown. She strongly believes that I made the right decision. Taking time for myself and doing what feels right for me. I know he's moving on. I know he's doing things that make him happy. Getting a place in The City, going to events with new friends, opening up, being at one with his Source and sharing it. The strides he is making are phenomenal and I am so overjoyed for him. I so dearly wish that I could tell him. I so very much wish that I could be there with him, by his side. As I did what I felt I had to, so did he. He refuses any contact with me and none of our mutual friends are to speak of me to him. He's doing what he must to carry on.
It's been nearly seven weeks since I last saw him. I've called him once and hung up. The whole time the phone was ringing, I was thinking, "don't pick up! don't pick up! what am I gonna say? what am I gonna say? don't pick up!" He didn't. I listened to his message which made me smile fondly and brought a little tear to my eye. I hung up immediately following the beep. Strangely enough, he called me back. He, too, did not leave a message. The only other contact I have initiated has been regarding the insurance on the Isuzu which had been going to my parents' house. The policy had expired and I was trying to let him know so that he could make arrangements. He never once responded. I do respect how he is staying true to what he believes is right and best for him.
I visited kathykat one day last week. Spent a few hours in her turret with her and the Weeb. I shared with her how I've been feeling. Her overall feeling? Why aren't we together? We still love one another so aren't we with one another? I feel like it may be too late. I took too long. I needed to come to my own conclusions in my own time and I couldn't take that leap for him. I needed to make plodding steps towards my decision. didn't the Tortoise win the race, despite being slow? Later that night, she called Matt. She told him that I still loved him and he loved me and demanded to know why we weren't together. He replied that it would require action on my part that I'm not willing to take. What does that mean? Does it mean that if I went to him, prostrating myself, he would take me back? Does it mean that he would be willing to try?
I want to be vulnerable & open myself up to the wonders of Love. I want to lay myself bare to the beauty of another's soul. I want to worry less about myself and what I may lose and simply surrender to whatever may come.
I cried for sheer, unadulterated joy upon rediscovering my love for Matt that magical Sunday afternoon in The City. (For both of us, there is now only one Sunday that matters.) Reconnecting not just with him but also with a piece of my soul from which I had sealed myself off.
How long do I wait? Do I simply live my life with my love for him looming in the background? Do I attempt to make significant contact? Do I just let it be and allow time to soften the edges? Do I sit at the train station, waiting to talk with him, one weekday afternoon? (Susie Stalker?)
It's so hard just to Let it Be. Maybe I should just go make a cuppa tea?