little
wow, this weekend sucked. everything about it was horrible. i saw a lot of people i normally love, except it was not good at all. nothing fit in the right places. Brian has the fucking ability to make me feel tiny and worthless and like shit, and then have the balls to tell me i "misinterpreted" it or "took it too seriously". because it's so hard to apologize. it was nice going to lincoln road today i guess, but then again we didn't do anything different than what we usually do here, which is what i expected. there was no incentive for something innovative or spontaneous. there never really is.
then i got home and fought with Brian with whom i was supposed to go to the beach to tomorrow, but fuck that now. i hate my life. i feel so helpless and small, but then so mature. i feel like i'm so much older than everyone around me. i hate it. i want to be stupid and superficial and simple and plain and generic. i constantly get mad at myself for being different, then end up remembering that i would rather be different than be like everyone else and thanking a nonexistent God i am not grade-A Doral girl, and then the cycle begins all over again. i am not satisfied by anyone, nor does it feel like i can fully satisfy anyone else. there are very few things holding me together, little things like my French class, being VP of drama club, driving and listening to music, going to stupid "gettys" just to fill up time, endless endless endless time. i am literally running on empty.
i really want to go to sleep. i don't have energy for anything, or anyone at all.