god decides what's in the corn mami. not me. only god.
i realized that the reason i'm not looking forward to school is because the image of seeing all the refs and chongas in the courtyard squealing and screaming about each other is nauseating. there are so many people i don't want to see. i don't want to be part of the school scene at all. i wish i could just press the "omit" button on my remote control of life and only see the people i want to see. i keep thinking about that scene in Mean Girls where Cady eats her sandwhich alone in the bathroom, and i feel like such a loser, because eating lunch alone doesn't sound half bad. i think if it wasn't for that little fraction of me that likes to socialize, i would gladly have half an hour of my entire school day to myself.
i got coffee with Brian. it was a lot better than i thought it would be. everything else aside, he's still Brian. he's sad but he's got that cynical streak in him, the one i fell in love with, and that awesome sense of humor. and we click. it's so easy to forget all the fighting now. it was the hardest thing ever, letting go of him, and now that i can be happy without depending on him i want him as my best friend. i want to hang out with him and eat Rotelli's and watch Scarred on my bed. it's so weird because it's like he's not a person anymore. more like a thought, a past reality, something not tangible.
my back hurts. my head hurts. i don't want to go to school. i'm having a very hard time understanding people and understanding myself. the hardest thing in the world is accepting that the person you are to yourself and the person other people see are not one; or even that they can be completely different. i guess i'm happy with myself in some aspects. or at least i don't have any major self esteem issues i need to resolve. but i keep wondering what other people see. and why i care. i think when people tell you not to care what others think, that is the biggest bullshit. it's not as if you're alone in the world. if you only care what you think, then what good are opinions, ideas, cooperation, teamwork, friendships, relationships in general? it's the worst advice anyone can give you. you should care what others think, at least in small, healthy portions, because that's what life is mainly composed of. dealing with other people and having them deal with you. i would never want to be the kind of person everyone is okay with, because that says a lot about your personality. that you don't stand out, at least. i firmly believe that standing out means sacrificing a few possible friends. not everyone is going to like how self-assured, how ready, how confident you come off...you cannot please everyone, but still you can please some people, and you can please yourself. knowing when to change is the hardest. when to say, okay, they are right, this is a personality flaw...and other times, it's just bullshit people talk and you can't take it seriously and you have to keep on being your not-totally-accepted self. this life thing, it's pretty crazy i think. a lot of the times i want to watch movies because i can kind of feel like i'm in them, or that if it's there, it's possible. everyone does it. switching realities i mean. and then, it makes me think that maybe that's what life is-- a constant denial of our reality, just to survive. just to be happy.
i like my new school supplies and my choice of classes, and the fact that Debs is picking me up for school tomorrow. i also like that i have Lellany in my homeroom. those are some good things. i hope tomorrow isn't absolutely disappointing and predictable.
i got coffee with Brian. it was a lot better than i thought it would be. everything else aside, he's still Brian. he's sad but he's got that cynical streak in him, the one i fell in love with, and that awesome sense of humor. and we click. it's so easy to forget all the fighting now. it was the hardest thing ever, letting go of him, and now that i can be happy without depending on him i want him as my best friend. i want to hang out with him and eat Rotelli's and watch Scarred on my bed. it's so weird because it's like he's not a person anymore. more like a thought, a past reality, something not tangible.
my back hurts. my head hurts. i don't want to go to school. i'm having a very hard time understanding people and understanding myself. the hardest thing in the world is accepting that the person you are to yourself and the person other people see are not one; or even that they can be completely different. i guess i'm happy with myself in some aspects. or at least i don't have any major self esteem issues i need to resolve. but i keep wondering what other people see. and why i care. i think when people tell you not to care what others think, that is the biggest bullshit. it's not as if you're alone in the world. if you only care what you think, then what good are opinions, ideas, cooperation, teamwork, friendships, relationships in general? it's the worst advice anyone can give you. you should care what others think, at least in small, healthy portions, because that's what life is mainly composed of. dealing with other people and having them deal with you. i would never want to be the kind of person everyone is okay with, because that says a lot about your personality. that you don't stand out, at least. i firmly believe that standing out means sacrificing a few possible friends. not everyone is going to like how self-assured, how ready, how confident you come off...you cannot please everyone, but still you can please some people, and you can please yourself. knowing when to change is the hardest. when to say, okay, they are right, this is a personality flaw...and other times, it's just bullshit people talk and you can't take it seriously and you have to keep on being your not-totally-accepted self. this life thing, it's pretty crazy i think. a lot of the times i want to watch movies because i can kind of feel like i'm in them, or that if it's there, it's possible. everyone does it. switching realities i mean. and then, it makes me think that maybe that's what life is-- a constant denial of our reality, just to survive. just to be happy.
i like my new school supplies and my choice of classes, and the fact that Debs is picking me up for school tomorrow. i also like that i have Lellany in my homeroom. those are some good things. i hope tomorrow isn't absolutely disappointing and predictable.