predictable
like fucking always. brian will always come back, doral will always suck, and the days here will always drag on with nothingness. except nothingness is so heavy here. i can't stand this. i can't stand not being in New York and i seriously am obsessed with it, and i don't care about anything else. today my dad called and he shot my dreams of studying in Columbia down. he shot my dreams of living in New York down. and he shot my dreams of ever getting out of Miami, period, down. how PREDICTABLE.
i know what i want and i want it now. i want CU and i want Nicolas. i want to be a judge. i want to move in with Annie in a cute little apartment in NYC and cook at night. i want to watch the first half of Atonement. i want a steak. i want to understand the Cold War. i want sex. i want senior year to be over, though it hasn't even started yet.
it doesn't even feel like the past 3 weeks were real, at all. now i come back and it's like this place was in a standstill cause nothing has changed. how can things stay the same so much? i'm dreading going back to school and Spanish Lit. which is going to be a total bust with Ms. Cabra teaching it, and i'm dreading seeing Marc and his equally ignorant friends, and i'm even dreading all the stupid stereotypical high school senior events. i didn't get a junior ring last year, much less go to ring ceremony. i think all that crap is so stupid. and there's no one here that i would like to take as my prom date, not even Brian. the only reason i would go to prom is to dress up and look really good and feel pretty as shallow as that may sound. and i have never gone to one of our football games. i fucking hate football. and i hate cheerleaders. therefore, me at a football game = unhappiness.
i'm completely stalling (thinking Russia...) on my senior pictures. i've seen everyone else's and they look like shit and mine will not be an exception. and i'm too lazy to go have someone force me into poses and tell me to smile.
i really really really miss Nico. a lot more than i planned when i first met him...it's weird. kind of indescribeable. i miss ALL my friends. i hate missing people because it's already hard for me to like people to begin with, much less miss them. i feel like being a big fat NERD and staying in with my books this entire year and not going to any party and get my shit done and get out. the only reason i would go clubbing or partying here is to know i did, because frankly i don't even like it that much. i like being and feeling productive. i think i'm going to get a job.
i want October 10th to come already so i can go see Yelle with Mitzy. and i want to go to the beach.
"the more one analyses people, the more all reasons for analysis disappear. sooner or later one comes to that dreadful universal thing called human nature."
i know what i want and i want it now. i want CU and i want Nicolas. i want to be a judge. i want to move in with Annie in a cute little apartment in NYC and cook at night. i want to watch the first half of Atonement. i want a steak. i want to understand the Cold War. i want sex. i want senior year to be over, though it hasn't even started yet.
it doesn't even feel like the past 3 weeks were real, at all. now i come back and it's like this place was in a standstill cause nothing has changed. how can things stay the same so much? i'm dreading going back to school and Spanish Lit. which is going to be a total bust with Ms. Cabra teaching it, and i'm dreading seeing Marc and his equally ignorant friends, and i'm even dreading all the stupid stereotypical high school senior events. i didn't get a junior ring last year, much less go to ring ceremony. i think all that crap is so stupid. and there's no one here that i would like to take as my prom date, not even Brian. the only reason i would go to prom is to dress up and look really good and feel pretty as shallow as that may sound. and i have never gone to one of our football games. i fucking hate football. and i hate cheerleaders. therefore, me at a football game = unhappiness.
i'm completely stalling (thinking Russia...) on my senior pictures. i've seen everyone else's and they look like shit and mine will not be an exception. and i'm too lazy to go have someone force me into poses and tell me to smile.
i really really really miss Nico. a lot more than i planned when i first met him...it's weird. kind of indescribeable. i miss ALL my friends. i hate missing people because it's already hard for me to like people to begin with, much less miss them. i feel like being a big fat NERD and staying in with my books this entire year and not going to any party and get my shit done and get out. the only reason i would go clubbing or partying here is to know i did, because frankly i don't even like it that much. i like being and feeling productive. i think i'm going to get a job.
i want October 10th to come already so i can go see Yelle with Mitzy. and i want to go to the beach.
"the more one analyses people, the more all reasons for analysis disappear. sooner or later one comes to that dreadful universal thing called human nature."