it's a ::sigh:: day.
who am i kidding, everyday is a ::sigh:: day. damn me.
if only i could really will things to happen. funny...the night before last night, i was thinking about how i missed some things, people, ie. the girls. and how i wished that some things never changed, altho i'm not one to really be affected by change. and if they had to why they couldn't change with me, stay constant in my life. that's what i need, i need consistence with the people that enter my life. because sooner or later, what they do, is they leave. it's what happens...people leave me. yea, yea, anywho, so those were my thoughts as of late, next night, the girls show up at my door. errr, i can will things to happen, just like that? since when? i wish. if that were so, i'd have a certain someone giving me a phone call, or something, anything, really, really soon. i miss him. so much. he's just sorta disappeared off the face of the earth...again. but this time it's more serious, no real traces. phone disconnected. not online. what's going on? :/ hope he's ok. i really do. i try to convince myself that what i feel for him isn't that serious, but when i feel like i did just now, when i feel my heart kinda sink cause i miss him, i can't deny it. and yet i can. oh denial, how sweet it is. i wanna just give up. turn away, leave him behind. but ha, it seems like i want a more dramatic exit than that. nah, i just want things to be resolved. i hate for things to be left just like that, with any situation. i have to know. that's just how it goes. and i'd rather sit around and wait, whether it be for him to let me know or for me to find out for myself. but whatever it may be, i need a definite ending. ending...i see no end to this...funny how it hit me today. i was sitting in class, and i just felt it, it's never gonna happen. i felt like it won't. and my heart sank once more. i guess i expect it not to, anything outside of that would be a pleasant surprise...or just pleasant. i don't know how much longer i can go on like this. i've been saying this for how long? ugh! why can't he just admit to caring, why can't he just realize there's a good thing in front of him, why why why?!?! or am i really not that good of a thing...dammit, damn me and my need for validation. and i never get it, as bad as i want it, i never have it.
i cried in my car in traffic today. well more like just got teary eyed. it's that damn alicia keys song, it always gets me. right now i feel like a bird. caged without a key. everyone comes to stare at me, with so much joy and revelry...why not just set her free. so she can fly, fly, fly....spread your wings, spread your beauty. it always does a number on me. no need to explain.
i'm bored of writing. more on work another day. i feel meh. he needs to get outta my head.
if only i could really will things to happen. funny...the night before last night, i was thinking about how i missed some things, people, ie. the girls. and how i wished that some things never changed, altho i'm not one to really be affected by change. and if they had to why they couldn't change with me, stay constant in my life. that's what i need, i need consistence with the people that enter my life. because sooner or later, what they do, is they leave. it's what happens...people leave me. yea, yea, anywho, so those were my thoughts as of late, next night, the girls show up at my door. errr, i can will things to happen, just like that? since when? i wish. if that were so, i'd have a certain someone giving me a phone call, or something, anything, really, really soon. i miss him. so much. he's just sorta disappeared off the face of the earth...again. but this time it's more serious, no real traces. phone disconnected. not online. what's going on? :/ hope he's ok. i really do. i try to convince myself that what i feel for him isn't that serious, but when i feel like i did just now, when i feel my heart kinda sink cause i miss him, i can't deny it. and yet i can. oh denial, how sweet it is. i wanna just give up. turn away, leave him behind. but ha, it seems like i want a more dramatic exit than that. nah, i just want things to be resolved. i hate for things to be left just like that, with any situation. i have to know. that's just how it goes. and i'd rather sit around and wait, whether it be for him to let me know or for me to find out for myself. but whatever it may be, i need a definite ending. ending...i see no end to this...funny how it hit me today. i was sitting in class, and i just felt it, it's never gonna happen. i felt like it won't. and my heart sank once more. i guess i expect it not to, anything outside of that would be a pleasant surprise...or just pleasant. i don't know how much longer i can go on like this. i've been saying this for how long? ugh! why can't he just admit to caring, why can't he just realize there's a good thing in front of him, why why why?!?! or am i really not that good of a thing...dammit, damn me and my need for validation. and i never get it, as bad as i want it, i never have it.
i cried in my car in traffic today. well more like just got teary eyed. it's that damn alicia keys song, it always gets me. right now i feel like a bird. caged without a key. everyone comes to stare at me, with so much joy and revelry...why not just set her free. so she can fly, fly, fly....spread your wings, spread your beauty. it always does a number on me. no need to explain.
i'm bored of writing. more on work another day. i feel meh. he needs to get outta my head.