(yes, I realize this makes 3 posts in one day)
I realized something about myself recently.
I realized that the root of a lot of my worrying comes from anxiety over situations I cannot control. When I'm not in control of something, I get nervous and anxious and I become unsure of how to behave or how to approach the issue. So when I'm feeling like life is particularly uncertain or especially out of my hands, I tend to fall back on little habits to help me regain the illusion of control. Like smoking. Smoking is bad for my health--I'll never try to argue that. But when the damage to my physical health is self-inflicted, it acts as a sort of pacifier--it calms my nerves because I'm controlling the damage.
Another example of this is spider solitaire. Last year during spring semester when I was wallowing in seemingly insurmountable crises and subsequent despair, I found myself occupying the time I should have been spending on schoolwork doing mindless and time-wasting activities, like spider solitaire. I realize now that my impulse to play was an attempt to regain control (or the illusion thereof) in my life. Further, upon reflection I have also come to realize that I rarely found myself winning a game, and I would play over and over again, almost obsessively, because that method of feigning control only works if I can manipulate success. Meaning, playing spider solitaire was only effective as a means of calming myself down if I won the games I played. So ultimately, it grossly worsened my situation because it backfired; I rarely won games, so playing spider solitaire only added more stress to my life because it was time consuming and aggravating.
So with this in mind, I'm going to make a conscious effort to be more ok with not being in control because let's be honest, most things in life are going to be beyond my control, and I just have to learn to deal. I guess in a way this is like "Let Be version 2.0," but perhaps with a more healthy understanding of "let be." Oh Hamlet.
I realized that the root of a lot of my worrying comes from anxiety over situations I cannot control. When I'm not in control of something, I get nervous and anxious and I become unsure of how to behave or how to approach the issue. So when I'm feeling like life is particularly uncertain or especially out of my hands, I tend to fall back on little habits to help me regain the illusion of control. Like smoking. Smoking is bad for my health--I'll never try to argue that. But when the damage to my physical health is self-inflicted, it acts as a sort of pacifier--it calms my nerves because I'm controlling the damage.
Another example of this is spider solitaire. Last year during spring semester when I was wallowing in seemingly insurmountable crises and subsequent despair, I found myself occupying the time I should have been spending on schoolwork doing mindless and time-wasting activities, like spider solitaire. I realize now that my impulse to play was an attempt to regain control (or the illusion thereof) in my life. Further, upon reflection I have also come to realize that I rarely found myself winning a game, and I would play over and over again, almost obsessively, because that method of feigning control only works if I can manipulate success. Meaning, playing spider solitaire was only effective as a means of calming myself down if I won the games I played. So ultimately, it grossly worsened my situation because it backfired; I rarely won games, so playing spider solitaire only added more stress to my life because it was time consuming and aggravating.
So with this in mind, I'm going to make a conscious effort to be more ok with not being in control because let's be honest, most things in life are going to be beyond my control, and I just have to learn to deal. I guess in a way this is like "Let Be version 2.0," but perhaps with a more healthy understanding of "let be." Oh Hamlet.