My day, the beggining of something else i guess
I got into a car accident today. Its so hard to believe that it really was today that it all happened. It seems so very long ago, like maybe it was all a dream. Yet as I type this i feel my wrist brace impede my typing and the cuts along my fingers burn to remind me of the glass that slashed across them. I was speeding or anything, so why did it have to happen to me. Why didnt i see the bus, why didnt i see a huge bus looming ahead of me stopped in the middle of the road picking up children. Maybe if i had left the house earlier, maybe if i hadnt dropped off Jasmin, maybe i wouldnt keep picturing the back of a bus right before a flashing red and screams of children mingled amongst my own. The blood the squirted from my hand was thick and almost purple, and my lip was bleeding profusly and sliming down my face and chin. There was blood on my forehead, and at first i thought maybe it was from somewhere else but i felt a pain along my hair line as i gazed into my review mirror trying to figure out if it really was me experiencing the horrible agony of feeling helpless, utterly lost and so very helpless. I heard a lady's voice yelling across the road, she was looking at me, telling me to get out of the car as soon as she told me to. I saw her hand wave and cars passed by, gawking at me and looking around, probably praying that there werent any children hurt. I couldnt think straight, all i knew was that somehow, i had managed to ruin my whole life in the time span of .5 seconds. The lady came to me and asked if the door could be opened, i opened it with my bloody hand, there was no pain, just terror. It wouldnt open, i felt anguish and i pushed harder, it opened just enough to squeeze my body out. I tried to move my legs and found that they were pinned against the front of the car, somehow, my seat had moved forward to the point where my legs were pressed up against the panel under the steering wheel and i couldnt move. I quickly reached down and found to my relief that the seat could scoot back. I got out of the car and felt a sudden pain run through my knees and remain there as i walked across the road. The lady kept talking to me, but i dont remember what she was saying. She put a sweater around me saying that i was shaking violently, something about shock. Or maybe it was the other lady, all i know was that i had never felt so very alone. They started asknig for a blanket and i react, saying there is one in my car, in the trunk. The lady goes to get it. The minute i felt the blanket, the familiar feel of my blanket, my eyes began to release tears, of pain, of dread, of everything bad that i have ever felt in my life. The lady telling me to sit down, i try but the pain in my knees forces me back up onto my legs. A car parks in front of us, people, two of them, get out of it and walk towards us. The lady to my left asks if they are my friends, i cant see their faces though. It wasnt till two hours later lying in the hospital bed that i realize that i havent had my glasses on. I recognize Marias voice as she gets near me, i couldnt even react. All i could think to say was tell robert that i wont be at the camp meeting today. Sorry. She asks if i wish for her to stay and i say that i will be fine. The ambulance gets there and they ask if i can climb onto the ambulance on my own, i had forgotten about my knees and i clamber in and begin to shake from the pain in my lower limbs. They lay me on a backboard since my neck and back are also in pain. Questions begin to be fired at me from left to right, straps go on and a police officer shows up and joins in the barrage of questions. I guess i answered them all. A needle pierces my left arm and i yell in pain, writhing and spreading the pain through my aching body. Another EMT comes up and begins to prode my shirtless torso with his fingers violently, pushing them in to the point of causing pain and asking if it hurts. I tell him in a fit of pain that yes it hurts but because he is poking me. At this point he begins to feel my arm for fracture and i tell him that the wrist hurts. He pulls it violently, or so it felt, and i writhe in pain pulling the IV out of my left arm. He leaves and is replace on my right side by someone who starts feeling around my upper join in my arm, obviously looking for a vein and i start to wimper. Tears begin to fall from my eyes, i feel the jab of the needle once again enter my skin. Finaly only one EMT left and the ambulance starts to move, as he sits he is going through stuff, i realize that he was the person who asked if i liked the shirt before cutting it open. the gum in my mouth has glass in it, i can feel it in my teeth and its begining to liquify, the gum. He tells me to spit it out and he disposes of it, i see blood stains on the oxygen mask as he puts it back on. As we begin to drive, all i can think about is my mother. I have ruined everything for me, for her. My only car, we dont have money, how will i pay the damages on the bus, what if someone was hurt after all, what about the ticket, maybe if i close my eyes i will wake up and be dreaming, isnt that how its supposed to work, why do i hurt so much then. Hold your breath Adrian, then it will all end, the pain sears through my body and i find that i cant, i can barely breath through my nose. Maybe if i just quit college, what the hell is the point of my life now, i cant even drive to college anymore cuz i dont have car. If i dont go to college i will have to pay back the financial aid and i really cant afford that. What about the hospital bill, what will my mom say to me, why did i do this. I should have ended it, i should have just killed myself in the car and gotten it over with, my life is pointless now. The EMT says something about the irony that he is also the school bus mechanic, i think more about the damages to the bus and how i am going to pay for it. The cop asked for my license didnt he, and my phone number, is he going to call my mom. I feel them start to take me off the ambulance, my EMT goes behind my head, the braces and the neck brace dont let me move at all. i feel the body of another EMT at the bottom of the bed and his body presses agains that bed and my feet. I realize how cold i am and that my whole right side is shivering violently. The ride into the emergency room is painful, with every bump i see colors flash. Silent tears again assault me and begin to pour down my face. The memory of laying in the ambulance pondering how my life is pointless now, silent tears then too, the EMT wiping the mix of blood and tears off my face. I get into the room and there is a woman with a computer who begins to shoot questions at me. I begin to answer, the machinery to make sure i am alive is crudley hooked up to my body. the police officer walks in and asks how to get a hold of my mom, and i tell him there is no way, she works in the field but i remember that my brother was with her this morning, i blurt out his number a couple of times untill the cop leaves. Another nurse walks in and begins to clean my wounds, it isnt till then that i realize that i have cuts all up my arm, and not just in the wrist area. I notice blood on both hands, i must have somehow begin to grab at the cuts at one point in the accident. My EMT says something about not being a very good time for a joke but that maybe i should wear sunglasses, i reach up to my face to feel for my glasses and find nothing there. I am taken to the X ray room, where i find out how badly my knee hurts as i had to climb on to the other bed by myself thinking i could. The pain was almost more than i could bear. Once back inside the room, i was given the button to push in case i needed anything and was left alone. I began thinking of the consequences, of how different my life was going to be and how little money i was going to be left with. I again tried to hold my breath to see if i could just end it all there and then. I felt a jabbing pain in my side and i jolted my leg in the process, sending me into another fit of silent tears. So much pain, and the answer so close yet the pain was the barrier that kept me from it. I began seeing little black spidery shadows in my vision, something like when someone shines a light in your eye and you see the negative when you look away quickly, except black and whispy and they would move. I found that making them move across the room would keep my thoughts away from the evergrowing pain in my leg. I felt so alone, i began to cry again wishing that i had someone there, my mom, claudia, anyone who could just hold me and tell me that it was all going to be okay so i could stop crying. God, i am crying all over again. My mom walks into the room but i dont recognize her at first. She looms over at me and it is obvious that she has been crying, i wonder if its obvious that so have i. She asks me what happened and i tears begin to flow again as i tell her the story and in bursts of pain and agony at the stupidity of the accident and the innability that i had to do anything about it. Nothing is broken, my lip, as i saw when i got into my moms van an hour after she arrived, was huge and had thick cuts in it in relation to the placement of my teeth. What i mean by thick lines is blood gushing lines that would open up to be about half the size of my pinky to release blood everytime i moved my mouth. My wrist, now bandaged up was heavily cut as well, though apperantly not bleeding thanks to whatever they put on it. I had slices, thin cuts up my inner upper arm, and abbrasions to my left elbow. Nothing to bad to the right hand except for a sprain that made me catch my breath everytime i moved my hand, they didnt give me a brace there, not untill i went to the prosser clinic to get some pain medication which they didnt give me either. My knees were, and are still hurting and are now begining to swell quite buitifully. my shoulder is in large amounts of pain when i move my arm up, and the seat belt, which saved my life apparently because i would have broken my neck if i hadnt been wearing it for i would have been thrus through the winshield into the back of the bus, killing me., anyway, the bruise is huge and swollen. I thought my clavical might be broken but its not. Overall, pain rating is still just a 7 but i think it will worsen tomorrow, which is why i am doing this now. Dont drive into the sun, ever anymore without sunglasses, it just doesnt end well. Nothing else i did was wrong, i was staring at the road, i mean my car had a cd playing and all my cds were under the passenger seat which is where i have the bad habit of keeping them. The only illegal thing i did was run into a bus full of children and not have insurance. My life is over, pointless, and i really still rather wish the fucking wreck had finished me off, maybe if i had been going 60 instead of forty five the car would have just sliced me in half. I dont know. Meanwhile, i have never felt so alone in this world, only two of my friends called to ask if i was okay, two. I feel so shitty right now, like an empty funeral might make someone feel sympathetic, claudia doesnt even want to drive down to my house to see me even though i have driven so many times to hers to see her. I feel more alone than i have ever felt, the only person that really was looking after me at all was my mom but she has seven other children to run after, all of which had soccer practice the minute i got home. I just want...love, to know that its okay and that maybe i didnt live through it for nothing. What the hell do i know. FUCK, im crying again.