Ha ha ha!... ... *sob*
It's long period. Dot. And probably not interesting, although feel free if you wish..
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Greg had me helping the concert band. It's only natural, they needed all the help they could get. As I sat down instead of being embarassed to be seen with this pathetic excuse of a band, I was instead a little worried. I mean, he knew I'd be at the school at 6, and the concert started at 7.. usually he's there well before the concert, and as it started I had no clue where he was.
I tapped my toe impatiently, but this only served to catch Miggsy's attention, 'So, he's not here yet?'
'.. No..'
'Maybe it's a good thing!'
I raised an eyebrow in her direction and stopped moving my foot, 'How exactly is that?'
She smiled sheepishly, 'He won't see you in the Concert Band'
I considered this, and nodded, indeed, he wouldn't hear me play such terrible songs. I was somewhat relieved. I smiled a bit, 'You're right! Good.. good..' I felt fine.
Five minutes later I was tapping my foot again.
I played those three disgusting tunes, tried my best to cover up the saxophone to my right, and once we stood up, immediately looked to the entrance to see if anyone had come through. Of course, no luck. I had scanned the audience, found my parents, and headed back to hand off my saxophone and my music, 'I'll be right back'
They nodded and I grabbed the bell around my neck to keep it from ringing. I quickly moved myself next to his parents, '.. Hi..!'
His father looked over and smiled warmly, 'Well hi Jessica! How are you?'
I waved it off with a hand, 'Oh I'm fine, no problem.'
I made some small talk, and finally got to the point, 'So.. umm.. Where's Jakob..?'
His father seems to understand my dilemma, 'Well.. he's with Eric.' He seemed to catch my confusion and hurriedly continued, 'They're out looking at apartments'
I leaned back in my chair, 'Ah, I see..'
'Yeah, although really, he called around 6:30 asking where the Mongolian Grill was!'
My jaw dropped slightly as I thought about this, the grill is way out there.. and if he called at 6:30..
As if I had asked a question his father goes on, 'Yeah, I know, I asked him if he planned on being at the concert, he said he could make it, but I mean, I told him 'Even if you leave now, you'll still be late!''
I closed my mouth and just kind of nodded as I continued to think about this..
His father shook his head at my expression, probably one giving away my crushed spirit, 'Don't worry, he's a Bureker! He'll be here.'
This brightened me up, his father had confidence in him, why didn't I? I should trust him most of all! I smiled and stood up to go back to my parents. As I turn he goes a bit further..
'Although.. knowing him, he's probably lost and might not make it.'
I blinked a few times and forced a smile, 'Yeah, I know that, I've been in the car when he was lost, happens a lot doesn't it?'
His father laughed a bit and I walked off
Whatever spirit I had regained had been ripped out and stomped on once more. I sat down by my mother, and when she asked explained the situation to her. She nodded a bit than sat back with a thoughtful look.
I went to listening to our ensembles. They played well. I noticed after a few groups had finished that I was getting that racing heart usually associated with being nervous. Of course now I know that it was because I was worrying about what would happen if he wasn't there.. if he wasn't there to hear what I had been working on for him.. Worked so hard for him..
We played.. We played relatively well.. I lost my spot towards the end of the last song, but we recovered so well, the only people that knew were those that knew how the song went.. I would've been proud.. He would've been proud.. But he wasn't there. Still wasn't there.
I could've cried then, oh I wanted to. It just hurt y'know? I had told myself, 'If he wasn't going to make it.. he would've called! He would've tried to get ahold of me best he could so I wouldn't be disappointed! So my hopes wouldn't be crushed..' I guess I was wrong huh?
Symphonic was up now, nothing difficult. Everything I was worried about was done with. Done and gone. I was upset, but we still had four songs, four songs in which he could still show up, and I'd be fine, and I wouldn't care, because I'd just be happy that he tried so hard to make it, happy that he made it.
Every few measures I'd glance at the entrance. I knew the music well enough that I could keep playing even though I wasn't looking at the written notes very often. We played through the first song. Okay, no problem, it was a song we had played before anyways, pssh, nothing special right? .. So the second song went.. that was the most exciting song, but hey, it's okay. .. Third song.. .. a long pause before the fourth song.. .. I held my breath.. and then we were done..
There was a slide show afterwards talking about the California trip. I wasn't paying attention, I was just avoiding eye-contact with everyone.. anyone.. I made the mistake of looking at Danika.
She gave me a worried look and mouthed to me ,('What's wrong?')
I shook my head, 'He didn't make it..'
She tilted her head to the side, ('..Gnome?')
I just nodded and gave a weak smile.
('.. I'm sorry!..')
I couldn't look at her anymore, hell, I couldn't if I tried, I was tearing too badly. I forced it off and waited until we were free to go pack up our instruments. I grabbed some cookies, 'I'm going to be fine..' Shoved them in my mouth 'Oh so fine'
I mean hell, it's wasn't a big deal, it was just a stupid concert..
but.. to me.. it was a big deal..
I guess that's all that matters in the long run..
I walked outside and headed for the band room. Halfway there Miggsy pokes my back, 'Hey look!'
How convenient! There he is, after everything is over, there he is. No phone call, no nothing, but there he is. I stop dead, catching Miggsy by surprise, then veer off to the right and avoid him completely. I continued to munch on my cookie when Danika came and rubbed my shoulders, 'Are you okay?'
I threw the cookie on the ground and snarled, 'NO! No I'm not!'
She rubbed my shoulders back to the band room as I started crying.
I put my instrument away, Miggsy tried feebly to cheer me up. Rei-cha eventually came up, and held my head in her arms, 'You poor thing.. It'll be okay..'
Sarah eventually came up, '.. Oh my.. are you okay?'
I grinned despite my red tear stained face, 'Oh, I'm lovely!'
She laughed a bit, 'You're a good liar, you know that? But I really hope you feel better, whatever the problem is..'
I nodded and thanked her.
Everything placed as it should, I headed back once more to where he was supposed to be, where he was probably waiting to see if I'd show. As I walked down the hall several people waved with a 'Hey! Jakob's here!'
I ignored most of them, although I did say hello to his family, and stopped to talk to my parents, 'We're leaving dear'
'Okay, but I'm going to talk to him'
They sighed and ended up just waiting.
He was talking with Eric and Jesse when I finally came around the corner. I stood there and waited to see if he would come back himself. Eric waved, so I waved back, and after he looked at his comrades, Eric headed up to talk to me, 'It's our fault.'
'Oh really?'
'Yeah'
I bitched at him a bit, mostly with 'He could've called, I worked hard because he was supposed to be here, I screwed up because he wasn't here due to worry' etc. etc.
Finally he was down there by himself, and after my parents yelled at me again saying they wanted to go, I caved in and walked down to him.
If I was really angry.. I wouldn't have caved it, if I didn't care, I wouldn't have caved in, if I had wanted him to suffer, I wouldn't have caved in. But I wasn't angry, I was upset, and I do care, and I just wanted to know why..
I don't even have to say anything, never will I have to bitch at him for anything. As soon as I approach I can tell he's already beating himself up for it, but he doesn't say anything.. I have to start..
'I.. tried really hard..'
He looks somewhat confused, so I push forward, 'We sounded.. okay. I mean.. I screwed up.. but.. I wouldn't have.. I would've done great (I say this somewhat emphased, trying to imply that I would've.. had be been there).. Just.. y'know, I ended up just worrying the whole time, I just thought.. if you weren't going to be here, you'd call, or something..'
'..I thought I was going to be here by the time concert band was finished..'
'But you didn't call after that did you?'
'You were playing then..'
'I wasn't playing the whole time! Once concert band was done I wasn't playing.. there was a huge pause.. then it was me .. then symphonic band..'
He just hangs his head, every once and while brave enough to look at me. I realize that he doesn't have anything to say, nothing at all.. I sigh a little disappointed, 'Well.. my parents have been yelling at me, I've got to go..'
He slightly raised an arm in a gesture for a hug, although he seemed a little frightened, thought I would just reject that and walk off. He needs to realize.. I might be upset, he might screw up, but that doesn't mean I don't care about him.. why does he think I'll hate him for every little thing he does wrong?
I expect a short hug, a hug then we'd part and I'd go home, but as I stand there I realize he's not letting go. I'm the one upset and yet he's the one that needs to be comforted. I hug him a little tighter, then pull back slightly, 'Don't.. spend the next week beating yourself up for this.. it's fine, I'm okay..'
The rest of our time is silent, and eventually I pull away to go. I don't understand how it is that I get upset over him, and yet he always inadvertantly makes me feel bad for him instead. I know I'd never have to yell at him.. he punishes himself enough.
I don't understand myself around him..
..I'll get over it
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Greg had me helping the concert band. It's only natural, they needed all the help they could get. As I sat down instead of being embarassed to be seen with this pathetic excuse of a band, I was instead a little worried. I mean, he knew I'd be at the school at 6, and the concert started at 7.. usually he's there well before the concert, and as it started I had no clue where he was.
I tapped my toe impatiently, but this only served to catch Miggsy's attention, 'So, he's not here yet?'
'.. No..'
'Maybe it's a good thing!'
I raised an eyebrow in her direction and stopped moving my foot, 'How exactly is that?'
She smiled sheepishly, 'He won't see you in the Concert Band'
I considered this, and nodded, indeed, he wouldn't hear me play such terrible songs. I was somewhat relieved. I smiled a bit, 'You're right! Good.. good..' I felt fine.
Five minutes later I was tapping my foot again.
I played those three disgusting tunes, tried my best to cover up the saxophone to my right, and once we stood up, immediately looked to the entrance to see if anyone had come through. Of course, no luck. I had scanned the audience, found my parents, and headed back to hand off my saxophone and my music, 'I'll be right back'
They nodded and I grabbed the bell around my neck to keep it from ringing. I quickly moved myself next to his parents, '.. Hi..!'
His father looked over and smiled warmly, 'Well hi Jessica! How are you?'
I waved it off with a hand, 'Oh I'm fine, no problem.'
I made some small talk, and finally got to the point, 'So.. umm.. Where's Jakob..?'
His father seems to understand my dilemma, 'Well.. he's with Eric.' He seemed to catch my confusion and hurriedly continued, 'They're out looking at apartments'
I leaned back in my chair, 'Ah, I see..'
'Yeah, although really, he called around 6:30 asking where the Mongolian Grill was!'
My jaw dropped slightly as I thought about this, the grill is way out there.. and if he called at 6:30..
As if I had asked a question his father goes on, 'Yeah, I know, I asked him if he planned on being at the concert, he said he could make it, but I mean, I told him 'Even if you leave now, you'll still be late!''
I closed my mouth and just kind of nodded as I continued to think about this..
His father shook his head at my expression, probably one giving away my crushed spirit, 'Don't worry, he's a Bureker! He'll be here.'
This brightened me up, his father had confidence in him, why didn't I? I should trust him most of all! I smiled and stood up to go back to my parents. As I turn he goes a bit further..
'Although.. knowing him, he's probably lost and might not make it.'
I blinked a few times and forced a smile, 'Yeah, I know that, I've been in the car when he was lost, happens a lot doesn't it?'
His father laughed a bit and I walked off
Whatever spirit I had regained had been ripped out and stomped on once more. I sat down by my mother, and when she asked explained the situation to her. She nodded a bit than sat back with a thoughtful look.
I went to listening to our ensembles. They played well. I noticed after a few groups had finished that I was getting that racing heart usually associated with being nervous. Of course now I know that it was because I was worrying about what would happen if he wasn't there.. if he wasn't there to hear what I had been working on for him.. Worked so hard for him..
We played.. We played relatively well.. I lost my spot towards the end of the last song, but we recovered so well, the only people that knew were those that knew how the song went.. I would've been proud.. He would've been proud.. But he wasn't there. Still wasn't there.
I could've cried then, oh I wanted to. It just hurt y'know? I had told myself, 'If he wasn't going to make it.. he would've called! He would've tried to get ahold of me best he could so I wouldn't be disappointed! So my hopes wouldn't be crushed..' I guess I was wrong huh?
Symphonic was up now, nothing difficult. Everything I was worried about was done with. Done and gone. I was upset, but we still had four songs, four songs in which he could still show up, and I'd be fine, and I wouldn't care, because I'd just be happy that he tried so hard to make it, happy that he made it.
Every few measures I'd glance at the entrance. I knew the music well enough that I could keep playing even though I wasn't looking at the written notes very often. We played through the first song. Okay, no problem, it was a song we had played before anyways, pssh, nothing special right? .. So the second song went.. that was the most exciting song, but hey, it's okay. .. Third song.. .. a long pause before the fourth song.. .. I held my breath.. and then we were done..
There was a slide show afterwards talking about the California trip. I wasn't paying attention, I was just avoiding eye-contact with everyone.. anyone.. I made the mistake of looking at Danika.
She gave me a worried look and mouthed to me ,('What's wrong?')
I shook my head, 'He didn't make it..'
She tilted her head to the side, ('..Gnome?')
I just nodded and gave a weak smile.
('.. I'm sorry!..')
I couldn't look at her anymore, hell, I couldn't if I tried, I was tearing too badly. I forced it off and waited until we were free to go pack up our instruments. I grabbed some cookies, 'I'm going to be fine..' Shoved them in my mouth 'Oh so fine'
I mean hell, it's wasn't a big deal, it was just a stupid concert..
but.. to me.. it was a big deal..
I guess that's all that matters in the long run..
I walked outside and headed for the band room. Halfway there Miggsy pokes my back, 'Hey look!'
How convenient! There he is, after everything is over, there he is. No phone call, no nothing, but there he is. I stop dead, catching Miggsy by surprise, then veer off to the right and avoid him completely. I continued to munch on my cookie when Danika came and rubbed my shoulders, 'Are you okay?'
I threw the cookie on the ground and snarled, 'NO! No I'm not!'
She rubbed my shoulders back to the band room as I started crying.
I put my instrument away, Miggsy tried feebly to cheer me up. Rei-cha eventually came up, and held my head in her arms, 'You poor thing.. It'll be okay..'
Sarah eventually came up, '.. Oh my.. are you okay?'
I grinned despite my red tear stained face, 'Oh, I'm lovely!'
She laughed a bit, 'You're a good liar, you know that? But I really hope you feel better, whatever the problem is..'
I nodded and thanked her.
Everything placed as it should, I headed back once more to where he was supposed to be, where he was probably waiting to see if I'd show. As I walked down the hall several people waved with a 'Hey! Jakob's here!'
I ignored most of them, although I did say hello to his family, and stopped to talk to my parents, 'We're leaving dear'
'Okay, but I'm going to talk to him'
They sighed and ended up just waiting.
He was talking with Eric and Jesse when I finally came around the corner. I stood there and waited to see if he would come back himself. Eric waved, so I waved back, and after he looked at his comrades, Eric headed up to talk to me, 'It's our fault.'
'Oh really?'
'Yeah'
I bitched at him a bit, mostly with 'He could've called, I worked hard because he was supposed to be here, I screwed up because he wasn't here due to worry' etc. etc.
Finally he was down there by himself, and after my parents yelled at me again saying they wanted to go, I caved in and walked down to him.
If I was really angry.. I wouldn't have caved it, if I didn't care, I wouldn't have caved in, if I had wanted him to suffer, I wouldn't have caved in. But I wasn't angry, I was upset, and I do care, and I just wanted to know why..
I don't even have to say anything, never will I have to bitch at him for anything. As soon as I approach I can tell he's already beating himself up for it, but he doesn't say anything.. I have to start..
'I.. tried really hard..'
He looks somewhat confused, so I push forward, 'We sounded.. okay. I mean.. I screwed up.. but.. I wouldn't have.. I would've done great (I say this somewhat emphased, trying to imply that I would've.. had be been there).. Just.. y'know, I ended up just worrying the whole time, I just thought.. if you weren't going to be here, you'd call, or something..'
'..I thought I was going to be here by the time concert band was finished..'
'But you didn't call after that did you?'
'You were playing then..'
'I wasn't playing the whole time! Once concert band was done I wasn't playing.. there was a huge pause.. then it was me .. then symphonic band..'
He just hangs his head, every once and while brave enough to look at me. I realize that he doesn't have anything to say, nothing at all.. I sigh a little disappointed, 'Well.. my parents have been yelling at me, I've got to go..'
He slightly raised an arm in a gesture for a hug, although he seemed a little frightened, thought I would just reject that and walk off. He needs to realize.. I might be upset, he might screw up, but that doesn't mean I don't care about him.. why does he think I'll hate him for every little thing he does wrong?
I expect a short hug, a hug then we'd part and I'd go home, but as I stand there I realize he's not letting go. I'm the one upset and yet he's the one that needs to be comforted. I hug him a little tighter, then pull back slightly, 'Don't.. spend the next week beating yourself up for this.. it's fine, I'm okay..'
The rest of our time is silent, and eventually I pull away to go. I don't understand how it is that I get upset over him, and yet he always inadvertantly makes me feel bad for him instead. I know I'd never have to yell at him.. he punishes himself enough.
I don't understand myself around him..
..I'll get over it