OOC musings
Inspired by this
Warren had always wanted what he couldn't have. It started with the things that most children want. Security. Love. Attention. A father. It was everything he had always wanted and never had. Then, as he'd grown, it hadn't changed all that much. He had gotten a father, and a whole family to go with it all. But the rest, the rest he still sought.
But with that had come more. He'd wanted what he couldn't have. He would say it started with Jean-Paul. He had seen that lip ring, and that lean sexy form and it had become his obsession. That his desire had turned to something as amazing as love as more than he would have ever hoped for. But to say it had truly started with Jean-Paul would be a lie. He had been the one that he'd wanted, desired and obtained. But it had started before that.
They had fought from the first moment, snarking and snarling at one another like two alpha lions trying to stake their claim. Warren had always thought that claim had been Liz, each vying for her attention and seeking to have that tiny bit more than the other. Yet, in the end, he had realized that claim was something else. It had been one another. Or at least for Warren it hadn't been so much staking a claim as a mating dance with deadly reprecussions.
Things with Jean-Paul weren't always ideal - Chances were, if things had been ideal, they wouldn't have lasted this long. They thrived on it. On the pain, the need, the desperation that one held for the other. It was quite possibly why Warren still craved John, still wanted that which he couldn't have. With every push that John gave him, ever insult and jab, every time he'd left Warren feeling shredded by his verbal barbs, Warren wanted him more. He needed tenderness from him and every time it was denied, he craved it more. It was possible if John was kind and loving towards him, Warren would bore of it. Perhaps not. Perhaps if he had done that a year ago it would be true but now he had waited for it for so long that perhaps he would fall for John as he had for Jean-Paul. Perhaps not.
Warren would never know, it was nothing they would ever share. It wasn't for them to have that sort of love and emotion. To give into it would be to allow things into their lives that neither was ready for. To give in would mean just that. One of them would have to bend, would have to give and neither was ever going to be willing to do that.
And if neither would bend, then one would have to break the other, and even if they never spoke of it, they both knew whom would break and who would triumph. They would never speak of it, but they knew. But knowing didn't keep Warren from wanting it, just as he wanted Jean-Paul, even if he knew that in the end he would be broken.
Perhaps it was the gift he gave. For Warren there was no between, no either or. He gave and he gave everything. It was why accepting Peter was so hard and why he, as John had done with him, used words and barbs to hold him at arms length. He had already given control of his life to so many - Jean-Paul, Liz, John and Henry - that he feared one more would be the strain on his heart that was too much. How much weight could the heart bear before it broke from the strain?
Warren had always wanted what he couldn't have. It started with the things that most children want. Security. Love. Attention. A father. It was everything he had always wanted and never had. Then, as he'd grown, it hadn't changed all that much. He had gotten a father, and a whole family to go with it all. But the rest, the rest he still sought.
But with that had come more. He'd wanted what he couldn't have. He would say it started with Jean-Paul. He had seen that lip ring, and that lean sexy form and it had become his obsession. That his desire had turned to something as amazing as love as more than he would have ever hoped for. But to say it had truly started with Jean-Paul would be a lie. He had been the one that he'd wanted, desired and obtained. But it had started before that.
They had fought from the first moment, snarking and snarling at one another like two alpha lions trying to stake their claim. Warren had always thought that claim had been Liz, each vying for her attention and seeking to have that tiny bit more than the other. Yet, in the end, he had realized that claim was something else. It had been one another. Or at least for Warren it hadn't been so much staking a claim as a mating dance with deadly reprecussions.
Things with Jean-Paul weren't always ideal - Chances were, if things had been ideal, they wouldn't have lasted this long. They thrived on it. On the pain, the need, the desperation that one held for the other. It was quite possibly why Warren still craved John, still wanted that which he couldn't have. With every push that John gave him, ever insult and jab, every time he'd left Warren feeling shredded by his verbal barbs, Warren wanted him more. He needed tenderness from him and every time it was denied, he craved it more. It was possible if John was kind and loving towards him, Warren would bore of it. Perhaps not. Perhaps if he had done that a year ago it would be true but now he had waited for it for so long that perhaps he would fall for John as he had for Jean-Paul. Perhaps not.
Warren would never know, it was nothing they would ever share. It wasn't for them to have that sort of love and emotion. To give into it would be to allow things into their lives that neither was ready for. To give in would mean just that. One of them would have to bend, would have to give and neither was ever going to be willing to do that.
And if neither would bend, then one would have to break the other, and even if they never spoke of it, they both knew whom would break and who would triumph. They would never speak of it, but they knew. But knowing didn't keep Warren from wanting it, just as he wanted Jean-Paul, even if he knew that in the end he would be broken.
Perhaps it was the gift he gave. For Warren there was no between, no either or. He gave and he gave everything. It was why accepting Peter was so hard and why he, as John had done with him, used words and barbs to hold him at arms length. He had already given control of his life to so many - Jean-Paul, Liz, John and Henry - that he feared one more would be the strain on his heart that was too much. How much weight could the heart bear before it broke from the strain?