(no subject)
so its been a week since ive been home. i cant stand it any longer.
i couldnt stand my moms house, i couldnt stand my room we carved out of the living room. i cant stand my dog. i loaded up my bike and computer in the car (they both need to be repaired). drove to dads house. walk in, its a mess. they just had a cleaning lady, paid for by my dads mom, come on tuesday. and its a complete mess. i dont understand how people can live this way. how he could have people over. im looking around now. theres paper strewn all around the computer. all the kids cd games are toppled over and scratched. i found pictures from my room up here too. pics of me and mike, and when i went to utah. they tore apart the sectional couch. all its pieces are lying around with the cushions missing. the kitchen table is covered with dirty dishes and papers. the sink is overflowing as usual and all the bills and mail are shoved into the corner. theres something sticky on the table and chair, i put my keys on it by accident. tried to get a phone. first one i dug for didnt work, second one did. realized the bike place i wanted to call was closed now anyways. wont be open til tuesday.
which made me break down. i just started bawling. i guess i understand. i just feel like everything is tumbling down. everything i worked hard for and built up over the year is falling down now that im home. like i said it would. like im allowing it to.
first thought: been eating a ton since ive been home. havent jogged like i said i would. set my alarm and then press snooze for a couple hours. wake up and eat two bowls of cereal while watching the price is right. eat more throughout the day. looked at the pictures richa gave me. i look awful in all of them. my face is so round. realizing how fat i really am, how gross i am. legs look too nasty to wear shorts, even if its over 90.
also, jobs ive looked at. music store and ice cream store hiring, but out of apps. should have apps by tuesday. dont wanna wait til fucking tuesday. not going to persue rocky mountain youth corps...
mom says im selfish. wonderful. lets just add that to the list. the list ive been building since birth it seems. of things im ashamed of about myself. things i worry about and criticize myself about. so not only can i be socially awkward, i can be selfish as well. hoorah.
i know what im doing isnt right. i know im just trying to sink myself. but im letting myself. just like i let myself eat and eat. but i just need to keep caring i guess. keep trying to get better. back on the horse, back on the course to being even keel. but i feel like its so much harder here. i told my mom it wasnt fair. she said no, what isnt fair is that im not living in a house i paid for and i havent seen my kids for over a year. great, remember how you said you werent going to pull me into things mom? this is what i was telling her. being here means im in things. im in things when i come over to this house and its a dump. and all the shit my dads bought lies in corners covered with more shit. i dont even know why i still call him dad. whatever, its just a name. but whatever we have is weird now. he tells me, i get a lot of pressure from a lot of places not to let you into the house. after mom came in last year. the nanny doesnt even talk to me, shes so pathetic. i hate being here when she is. so i have to budget my time if im ever going to come to this house, which i use for the internet and cable.
still obsessing about school. namely boys from school. wont let it go in my head. feel ashamed every time i think of them. know what i need to do though, but take alternate routes. think, oh well if i get skinny like i was before then everything will be fine. ill have more self confidence and be more attractive. wrong reason, i know, and i know things still suck, even when youre thin. in fact, as far as i can remember, things have always sucked at home, and i dont know how to get away from it. im just fearing coming back to school next semester and having to start all over again, aftert being devoid of social interaction for the majority of the summer.
in the end, it all comes down to one. me. alone. i need to be my own strength. im not weak. ive heard it before. but im sick of always having to be strong. cant feel sorry for myself. cant compare myself to others, people from school, whatever. ill be stronger is bullshit. ill be unhappier is more like it. if i let myself. but its hard not to here. and im not making excuses, its a fact. it really is more difficult here. but its something i have to deal with i guess. just like everything else.
i couldnt stand my moms house, i couldnt stand my room we carved out of the living room. i cant stand my dog. i loaded up my bike and computer in the car (they both need to be repaired). drove to dads house. walk in, its a mess. they just had a cleaning lady, paid for by my dads mom, come on tuesday. and its a complete mess. i dont understand how people can live this way. how he could have people over. im looking around now. theres paper strewn all around the computer. all the kids cd games are toppled over and scratched. i found pictures from my room up here too. pics of me and mike, and when i went to utah. they tore apart the sectional couch. all its pieces are lying around with the cushions missing. the kitchen table is covered with dirty dishes and papers. the sink is overflowing as usual and all the bills and mail are shoved into the corner. theres something sticky on the table and chair, i put my keys on it by accident. tried to get a phone. first one i dug for didnt work, second one did. realized the bike place i wanted to call was closed now anyways. wont be open til tuesday.
which made me break down. i just started bawling. i guess i understand. i just feel like everything is tumbling down. everything i worked hard for and built up over the year is falling down now that im home. like i said it would. like im allowing it to.
first thought: been eating a ton since ive been home. havent jogged like i said i would. set my alarm and then press snooze for a couple hours. wake up and eat two bowls of cereal while watching the price is right. eat more throughout the day. looked at the pictures richa gave me. i look awful in all of them. my face is so round. realizing how fat i really am, how gross i am. legs look too nasty to wear shorts, even if its over 90.
also, jobs ive looked at. music store and ice cream store hiring, but out of apps. should have apps by tuesday. dont wanna wait til fucking tuesday. not going to persue rocky mountain youth corps...
mom says im selfish. wonderful. lets just add that to the list. the list ive been building since birth it seems. of things im ashamed of about myself. things i worry about and criticize myself about. so not only can i be socially awkward, i can be selfish as well. hoorah.
i know what im doing isnt right. i know im just trying to sink myself. but im letting myself. just like i let myself eat and eat. but i just need to keep caring i guess. keep trying to get better. back on the horse, back on the course to being even keel. but i feel like its so much harder here. i told my mom it wasnt fair. she said no, what isnt fair is that im not living in a house i paid for and i havent seen my kids for over a year. great, remember how you said you werent going to pull me into things mom? this is what i was telling her. being here means im in things. im in things when i come over to this house and its a dump. and all the shit my dads bought lies in corners covered with more shit. i dont even know why i still call him dad. whatever, its just a name. but whatever we have is weird now. he tells me, i get a lot of pressure from a lot of places not to let you into the house. after mom came in last year. the nanny doesnt even talk to me, shes so pathetic. i hate being here when she is. so i have to budget my time if im ever going to come to this house, which i use for the internet and cable.
still obsessing about school. namely boys from school. wont let it go in my head. feel ashamed every time i think of them. know what i need to do though, but take alternate routes. think, oh well if i get skinny like i was before then everything will be fine. ill have more self confidence and be more attractive. wrong reason, i know, and i know things still suck, even when youre thin. in fact, as far as i can remember, things have always sucked at home, and i dont know how to get away from it. im just fearing coming back to school next semester and having to start all over again, aftert being devoid of social interaction for the majority of the summer.
in the end, it all comes down to one. me. alone. i need to be my own strength. im not weak. ive heard it before. but im sick of always having to be strong. cant feel sorry for myself. cant compare myself to others, people from school, whatever. ill be stronger is bullshit. ill be unhappier is more like it. if i let myself. but its hard not to here. and im not making excuses, its a fact. it really is more difficult here. but its something i have to deal with i guess. just like everything else.