Something I need to get off my chest
So I see that I've found a way to get my feelings out without anyone knowing. I hate to have to go about it this way, but I would rather spare myself & my friends the drama of my problems this way.
So, without any further wait, here goes:
I am lonely. And I can't fix it. I see my friends & my own child having someone to talk to, hold on to & even share emotions with...but I don't have anyone here that I can do that with. Sure, I have a great group of friends. Don't get me wrong, but when I look at them, with their partners(either actual or potential), it hurts.
My best friend & her guy are my closest friends. But, I'm jealous of what they have. Not the love or pairing itself, rather it's the closeness of each other.
They can call each other anytime & talk whenever & about whatever. They are not hundreds, if not thousand miles away from each other. They are less than a hour drive away from each other. They can make plans for dates for the weekend, to be together at any given time. I can't. Mine's not here. Mine's in Chicago, Ill.
I know that when I got into this, that part of it would be about not seeing each other as much as a normal couple would. I knew that. But, recently, with all the drama goings-on in my life, I really have a need for my significant to be by my side. But he can't since he also has a major family thing going on.
This gets me to thinking about what I have always said about my life:
"I am destined to be alone - at least without a mate/partner." Hence me being given the "Martyr" title that I'm sooo used to. I take on the title of "Everybody's mom" this way, I can worry more about them, rather than myself. I can drown myself in my work, not caring about my needs & it will all be fine.
I think that this time, with my friends that are hooked up almost all around me all the time, it's harder to do that. Without being reminded of what I don't have.
Don't get me wrong though, I am very happy for them & wouldn't want anything to happen to their relationships - I'm not jealous of "them", just of the convenience of what they have. He/She is here. He/She can be with you within an hour or less. Distance cuts the heart like a knife.
And of course, most of you are saying, "Well, talk to your friends, that's what they are there for!" I can't & don't want to simply because of the fact that I don't want them to think I want to harm their relations with their others.
My best friend has had nothing but terrible things happen with her "supposed" best friends when it came to this. I am trying to show her that I'm not like them at all. She herself is just now coming to a point where she sees that this time, it's different with her man. That he's a "grown" man & he will treat her better than the other "boys" she's had. She needs to learn that now, and not worry about yet another friend with relationship drama.
And with my other friends, I can't bring them my troubles simply because they have their own now - mostly of either school, work or personal related issues. I don't want to add to their pile 'o crap. Oh, and the 1 other person that is in my life, I can't & won't talk to simply because of their mental state. If I talk to him about this right now, I might get hurt, something of mine destroyed or worse.
So, I do this. Getting up at 4 o'clock in the AM, trying to deal.
Can't get to therapy, gotta work. Can't talk to friends, they have their own messes about, Can't talk to him, he's got his family thing. So now what??
There are parts of me now saying "Told you so, this will never work." "Go back to what you used to be, and stay there!" And I do want to. But it's harder this time. I had a taste of what I really needed, and I can't get anymore.
Should I keep trying, hoping that it will work out?? Saying "Oh we'll have the holidays & the con to look forward to!" But when I remind myself of what he's going through now, I feel like I would be not needed then. Albeit selfish to my needs, not his.
He's needed with his family now. And I don't know when that's going to be done & over with. It's health-related, & we all know that things like that can go on for months, if not years.
I need the comfort of my partner near me, now. The hugs, kisses, and other affections that you get from them. To use old sayings, "distance doesn't keep a girl's bed warm at night."
It hurts now, and I'm at the point of saying "Why don't you focus more on your family now. Don't worry about being with me." That would be my escape plan. And I think I might be using it soon. The problem with that is, he wouldn't do it. In a way, he's like me. He has a ton of friends around him that are involved with others, and it pains him to see it, almost everyday.
I think the difference is that he's had these friends for years, rather than I'm just getting my 2nd or 3rd year with mine. It's still kinda new on my end.
Don't want to ruin a good thing, just because I'm acting like a cat in heat.
I just want it to stop hurting so much. Very soon.
So, without any further wait, here goes:
I am lonely. And I can't fix it. I see my friends & my own child having someone to talk to, hold on to & even share emotions with...but I don't have anyone here that I can do that with. Sure, I have a great group of friends. Don't get me wrong, but when I look at them, with their partners(either actual or potential), it hurts.
My best friend & her guy are my closest friends. But, I'm jealous of what they have. Not the love or pairing itself, rather it's the closeness of each other.
They can call each other anytime & talk whenever & about whatever. They are not hundreds, if not thousand miles away from each other. They are less than a hour drive away from each other. They can make plans for dates for the weekend, to be together at any given time. I can't. Mine's not here. Mine's in Chicago, Ill.
I know that when I got into this, that part of it would be about not seeing each other as much as a normal couple would. I knew that. But, recently, with all the drama goings-on in my life, I really have a need for my significant to be by my side. But he can't since he also has a major family thing going on.
This gets me to thinking about what I have always said about my life:
"I am destined to be alone - at least without a mate/partner." Hence me being given the "Martyr" title that I'm sooo used to. I take on the title of "Everybody's mom" this way, I can worry more about them, rather than myself. I can drown myself in my work, not caring about my needs & it will all be fine.
I think that this time, with my friends that are hooked up almost all around me all the time, it's harder to do that. Without being reminded of what I don't have.
Don't get me wrong though, I am very happy for them & wouldn't want anything to happen to their relationships - I'm not jealous of "them", just of the convenience of what they have. He/She is here. He/She can be with you within an hour or less. Distance cuts the heart like a knife.
And of course, most of you are saying, "Well, talk to your friends, that's what they are there for!" I can't & don't want to simply because of the fact that I don't want them to think I want to harm their relations with their others.
My best friend has had nothing but terrible things happen with her "supposed" best friends when it came to this. I am trying to show her that I'm not like them at all. She herself is just now coming to a point where she sees that this time, it's different with her man. That he's a "grown" man & he will treat her better than the other "boys" she's had. She needs to learn that now, and not worry about yet another friend with relationship drama.
And with my other friends, I can't bring them my troubles simply because they have their own now - mostly of either school, work or personal related issues. I don't want to add to their pile 'o crap. Oh, and the 1 other person that is in my life, I can't & won't talk to simply because of their mental state. If I talk to him about this right now, I might get hurt, something of mine destroyed or worse.
So, I do this. Getting up at 4 o'clock in the AM, trying to deal.
Can't get to therapy, gotta work. Can't talk to friends, they have their own messes about, Can't talk to him, he's got his family thing. So now what??
There are parts of me now saying "Told you so, this will never work." "Go back to what you used to be, and stay there!" And I do want to. But it's harder this time. I had a taste of what I really needed, and I can't get anymore.
Should I keep trying, hoping that it will work out?? Saying "Oh we'll have the holidays & the con to look forward to!" But when I remind myself of what he's going through now, I feel like I would be not needed then. Albeit selfish to my needs, not his.
He's needed with his family now. And I don't know when that's going to be done & over with. It's health-related, & we all know that things like that can go on for months, if not years.
I need the comfort of my partner near me, now. The hugs, kisses, and other affections that you get from them. To use old sayings, "distance doesn't keep a girl's bed warm at night."
It hurts now, and I'm at the point of saying "Why don't you focus more on your family now. Don't worry about being with me." That would be my escape plan. And I think I might be using it soon. The problem with that is, he wouldn't do it. In a way, he's like me. He has a ton of friends around him that are involved with others, and it pains him to see it, almost everyday.
I think the difference is that he's had these friends for years, rather than I'm just getting my 2nd or 3rd year with mine. It's still kinda new on my end.
Don't want to ruin a good thing, just because I'm acting like a cat in heat.
I just want it to stop hurting so much. Very soon.