WORST DAY EVER I CANT STOP CRYING I HATE CHEM
I had such a dreadfully awful day today i cant even begin to explain.
It was so bad, and so hard. And just so painful.
I came home just wanting to go to my room and cry. In the car tears started falling down my eyes and i kept having to wipe them one by one. I wanted to lock myself in the room but Martina was in there. I tried going to my moms bathroom but then she went into her room. I went into the guest bathroom and cried a bit and then sat on the cuoch and watched some friends until my room was clear. Now im here.
I had such a dreadfully awful day Today and i wont start in the beggining to explain just the part thats absolutely killing me now.
In my chem class i never felt like i didnt belong, z is in it and he always makes sure im not left out. SO im sitting at my usual seat in a row with z gil and sim, a realllY good row filled with good people and we always joke about taking pictures with the goggles and aprins. SO im sitting, and all of a suddon ari walks in with sim. I thought it was a joke when she said she moved into this class. Ive had no classes with ari, i never even thought about it, and it was good, i had pain in some classes but NEVER like that. SHe sat in the row too. WHen we got into groups my row went together. We were a group of five when the teacher said four, so she told ari to move. I was glad it wasnt me, and i wanted to show ari i didnt need her. And that i was cool too. ANd when gil and sim were taking pics (and ari was taking them), z was like k im gonna come in and i was like me too. He was in the middle of gil and sim and i went to the side of gil thinking now ari is taking pics of me and it felt good and then gil goes, " Lets do one more and then one the three of us sorry love you __" My heart broke.. And i was so shocked she would say that, and in front of ari. Ari sMiled and i took the pic and went to the side next to mel. I just wanted to melt into the ground. It probably does sound so bad, and im probably over exatterating. But G-D it hurt so much.
How could these people be so cruel. WHo would be so cruel to say that. TO do that. I just couldnt believe it and AHHHH. ANd now i just cant stop crying. Are they made without hearts? Cause you have to not Have a heart to do that there and so if you dont then why do i? Why was i made with one if she does not? FOr them to hurt me?! TO do this?! WHy WY WHYWHYWHYWHY> IT WASNT ENOUGH THAT ARI WAS IN THAT CLASS BUT THEN THEY HAD TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE IM NOTHING LIKE IM NO PART OF ANYTHING I FELT SO LEFT OUT AND SO BROKEN RIGHT THERE I JUST AHJHH. And it was like last years math class! WOrSE! Ive just managed not to feel this type of pain thorughout the whole almost a month of the year, but oh my G-d why. WHy did i have to be so stupid to do that. WHy do they have to be so heartless i just never wanna go back there. Its not okay, its not okay what they did. Its just so not okay and i hope that gil knows that. I hope she knows that. I dont wanna go back there. I really am just so hurt right now. ANd i dont even know how to cope with this.
Also the class before this, i dont really wanna write about anything else but chem but in med ethics the teacher said something in the ending of class about forgiveness. ANd how people who forgive are healthier and like a experiment they did with men who cheated on their wives and who forgave is healthier. And i was thinking about my sis and how id ask her for forgiveness, adn id wnat people to appoligize to me and me to myself and me to them and ari to me and rose to me and shanee to me and yar and lil and just people who left me or hurt me. ANd And then he told us to go aroundd and talk about what we are grateful and stuff. ANd then if we want this year to have someone ask us for forgivness, us ask someone for it, or ask it from ourselves. And i need that all. I imagined saying it to my sister. ANd if i would kill myself to askit from my family. If people who have hurt me asked me for forgiveness, honestly, i dont think id give it to them. Id say i do, but i wouldnt. I still do want them to ask for it though. And i was almost crying in that class thikning abotu everything and then form there to go to chem and have ari come in and jOIn and then gil do that and i just feel like complete crap.
Like im way past rock bottom im so much below and im just so fucking miserable right now.
please, if this feelings just gonna keep coming back just make me not feel. Make me not feel anything at all. I dont wanna feel a damn thing. Please. If i have to feel this pain then just kill me cause im done. Im sorry, i just cant go thorugh this all again. It hurts so much.
i just feel so much pain right now. ANd im literally absolutely completely dying. THis is killing me! IN ethics we are saying if someone is dying and in a lot of pain should we let them/ help them die and about eutenasia, its definitly not teh same. But can i just go. I dont belong here in this world. I dont. ANd i just dont wanna keep not belonging and hurting so much all alone. All the time alone all the fucking time alone and hurting!
DOnt let me feel this awful, Make me fucking feel nothing like a phsyco, or kill me. Cause i dont wanna hurt anymore, and most importantly i cant. I dont deserve it. I spent all the way home and now trying to figure out what i did to deserve it but you know, i dont thinK i do. I said maybe eating that cookie that wasnt mine, or the thing in ethics, or being glad ari was moved or being glad she was the one taking the picture and Ahhhh.. i just dont tink i deserved that. I didnt.
Im trying to stop now because my eyes literally feel numb cause i cried so much and my nose hurts from blowing it.
I wanna be home schooled. ANd whats sad, is that ive thought about that so many times before. Maybe it shows hope, that i still wanna live that im thinking about homeshcooling because thats not dying nor not feeling. But i dont want to. Id rather be at school, happy, with friends not feleing this way and not being asked to leaVe a picture. But if i cant have that, then i just dont know. i dont know.
Ok my eyes feel like bowling balls im stoppiNg writing lets see how long until i stop crying.
It was so bad, and so hard. And just so painful.
I came home just wanting to go to my room and cry. In the car tears started falling down my eyes and i kept having to wipe them one by one. I wanted to lock myself in the room but Martina was in there. I tried going to my moms bathroom but then she went into her room. I went into the guest bathroom and cried a bit and then sat on the cuoch and watched some friends until my room was clear. Now im here.
I had such a dreadfully awful day Today and i wont start in the beggining to explain just the part thats absolutely killing me now.
In my chem class i never felt like i didnt belong, z is in it and he always makes sure im not left out. SO im sitting at my usual seat in a row with z gil and sim, a realllY good row filled with good people and we always joke about taking pictures with the goggles and aprins. SO im sitting, and all of a suddon ari walks in with sim. I thought it was a joke when she said she moved into this class. Ive had no classes with ari, i never even thought about it, and it was good, i had pain in some classes but NEVER like that. SHe sat in the row too. WHen we got into groups my row went together. We were a group of five when the teacher said four, so she told ari to move. I was glad it wasnt me, and i wanted to show ari i didnt need her. And that i was cool too. ANd when gil and sim were taking pics (and ari was taking them), z was like k im gonna come in and i was like me too. He was in the middle of gil and sim and i went to the side of gil thinking now ari is taking pics of me and it felt good and then gil goes, " Lets do one more and then one the three of us sorry love you __" My heart broke.. And i was so shocked she would say that, and in front of ari. Ari sMiled and i took the pic and went to the side next to mel. I just wanted to melt into the ground. It probably does sound so bad, and im probably over exatterating. But G-D it hurt so much.
How could these people be so cruel. WHo would be so cruel to say that. TO do that. I just couldnt believe it and AHHHH. ANd now i just cant stop crying. Are they made without hearts? Cause you have to not Have a heart to do that there and so if you dont then why do i? Why was i made with one if she does not? FOr them to hurt me?! TO do this?! WHy WY WHYWHYWHYWHY> IT WASNT ENOUGH THAT ARI WAS IN THAT CLASS BUT THEN THEY HAD TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE IM NOTHING LIKE IM NO PART OF ANYTHING I FELT SO LEFT OUT AND SO BROKEN RIGHT THERE I JUST AHJHH. And it was like last years math class! WOrSE! Ive just managed not to feel this type of pain thorughout the whole almost a month of the year, but oh my G-d why. WHy did i have to be so stupid to do that. WHy do they have to be so heartless i just never wanna go back there. Its not okay, its not okay what they did. Its just so not okay and i hope that gil knows that. I hope she knows that. I dont wanna go back there. I really am just so hurt right now. ANd i dont even know how to cope with this.
Also the class before this, i dont really wanna write about anything else but chem but in med ethics the teacher said something in the ending of class about forgiveness. ANd how people who forgive are healthier and like a experiment they did with men who cheated on their wives and who forgave is healthier. And i was thinking about my sis and how id ask her for forgiveness, adn id wnat people to appoligize to me and me to myself and me to them and ari to me and rose to me and shanee to me and yar and lil and just people who left me or hurt me. ANd And then he told us to go aroundd and talk about what we are grateful and stuff. ANd then if we want this year to have someone ask us for forgivness, us ask someone for it, or ask it from ourselves. And i need that all. I imagined saying it to my sister. ANd if i would kill myself to askit from my family. If people who have hurt me asked me for forgiveness, honestly, i dont think id give it to them. Id say i do, but i wouldnt. I still do want them to ask for it though. And i was almost crying in that class thikning abotu everything and then form there to go to chem and have ari come in and jOIn and then gil do that and i just feel like complete crap.
Like im way past rock bottom im so much below and im just so fucking miserable right now.
please, if this feelings just gonna keep coming back just make me not feel. Make me not feel anything at all. I dont wanna feel a damn thing. Please. If i have to feel this pain then just kill me cause im done. Im sorry, i just cant go thorugh this all again. It hurts so much.
i just feel so much pain right now. ANd im literally absolutely completely dying. THis is killing me! IN ethics we are saying if someone is dying and in a lot of pain should we let them/ help them die and about eutenasia, its definitly not teh same. But can i just go. I dont belong here in this world. I dont. ANd i just dont wanna keep not belonging and hurting so much all alone. All the time alone all the fucking time alone and hurting!
DOnt let me feel this awful, Make me fucking feel nothing like a phsyco, or kill me. Cause i dont wanna hurt anymore, and most importantly i cant. I dont deserve it. I spent all the way home and now trying to figure out what i did to deserve it but you know, i dont thinK i do. I said maybe eating that cookie that wasnt mine, or the thing in ethics, or being glad ari was moved or being glad she was the one taking the picture and Ahhhh.. i just dont tink i deserved that. I didnt.
Im trying to stop now because my eyes literally feel numb cause i cried so much and my nose hurts from blowing it.
I wanna be home schooled. ANd whats sad, is that ive thought about that so many times before. Maybe it shows hope, that i still wanna live that im thinking about homeshcooling because thats not dying nor not feeling. But i dont want to. Id rather be at school, happy, with friends not feleing this way and not being asked to leaVe a picture. But if i cant have that, then i just dont know. i dont know.
Ok my eyes feel like bowling balls im stoppiNg writing lets see how long until i stop crying.