if don't like ranting, don't read this
Look at me. I am a fucking wreck. What is it about me that makes me have such an affinity to these people? I don't know, but it is a fact. And I can't cope very well. I can't be the reason that people are crying and trying to be done with it all and suffering so much anymore. I won't be. I don't know how to stop it but there has to be a way. And all of my best friends, the people who are supposed to be my pillars of strength in times like these, are nowhere to be found. I will be the first to admit that I've been, shall I say, "preoccupied" lately but do I deserve isolation? I am struggling with impending doom all alone for the second time in my life. These people say they love me and go behind my back and bitch about my lack of devotion. I think that I have devotion running through every vein in my body, it is just hard to see when I'm crying. But I could be wrong. That happens a lot. Who knows? Maybe I am an undeserving bitch who should have to suffer this alone, again. And even the guy that I like who likes me and all that lovely stuff can't make it better. I can't tell him any of this, I can only pretend he doesn't hurt me when he brings me home. And I can't fucking deal with school when all of this is going through my head. I don't want to be there and I don't want to work more than most people could imagine. I walk through the halls like a shell of myself, hell I've been living like a shell of myself for weeks. Why do I bring so many people so much pain? And still all I can do is rant about their pain bringing me pain. I really am as selfish as everyone says. I can't face another day at that school with those "friends" with this "life". Not after what I put people through. Maybe I will wake up in the morning and not feel guilty, and bitchy, and broken. Or perhaps I won't wake up in the morning at all. Or maybe there is some way to apologize to everyone that I have wronged. I suppose I will try. I am sorry. That's my start. Give me time.