a forensic examination of last night.
The Clues
-my shoes are covered in mud.
-there's a white powdery substance cut up on a cd case by my bed.
-there's two 4" square pieces of wax paper on the counter.
-there's an empty piece of tupperware in the sink.
-my ATM card is nowhere to be found.
-the jeans i was wearing last night are on the floor and soaked up to the knee.
-my phone is muddy.
-my fax machine is busted all to hell sitting on my chair.
-there's a can of peas in the kitchen trash.
The Background: (as much as i recall)
10:30p - i go to my fridge for a beer and find only 3 lonesome Tecate. Foreseeing a beer famine on the horizon i decide to walk to the Falconer for a few beers.
10:40p - as i'm passing by the Downtown Supper Club the rain picks up so i duck in for a beer.
10:45p - i pay cash for a single Hefeweizen and inform the bartender that will be all, thanks.
11:??p - i am approached by a girl who is hitting on me as a proxy for her dumpy 18 year old sister in the lounge area watching the karaoke.
11:??p - after giving her every reason to run and hide and explaining that i am an old and tired man, she insists i sit with them. i order another Hef.
11:??p - i introduce myself to the dumpy sister and sit with them cracking jokes. she's very shy and wont even really look at me. i feign interest in her and flatter her with compliments. at first she blushes, then becomes comfortable and i note that she's almost euphoric that someone seems to be genuinely interested in her. seems.
11:45p - it strikes me how lonely this girl must be and how she probably never gets any attention from the opposite sex on account of her dumpiness. it makes me so sad i want to jump out a fucking window, but alas, i'm only on the first floor. i mentally chastise myself for playing with the dumpy girl just because i find it flattering when someone, anyone, is attracted to me. i call it even since sitting next to her probably made her night. i thank them for their company and leave.
12:00a - after walking down 5 or 6 blocks of an utterly deserted main st. through a light rain, i arrive at the falconer. Sam from the coffee shop on the hill is outside smoking. we chit chat a little before heading inside.
12:01-2:30a - i'm hanging out with Sam and a brit who i'll assume is her boyfriend. we talk about kristen, the coffee shop, her roommate paige, etc. i insult her. never guess a girls age. there's no correct guess. she takes it well; nice girl. they leave and i spend the next half hour bullshitting with the bartenders and getting eyeballed by a girl who is CLEARLY there with a date. i'm flattered. she's fearless. i admire that. we play this game where every second her date is facing the other direction talking to his buddies, we exchange the most carnal looks imaginable. she is unwavering and not the least bit shy; somehow neither am i. she leaves with her group and locks eyes with me all the way to the door where she winks and steps out. tramp... 2:35a - everything is a blur. i remember checking the time on my phone and feeling blessed that they didn't toss us out right at 2:00a. i remember being incredibly hungry and, throwing caution to the wind, walking to the carls jr. of all places to see if it was open. i also remember climbing through the fence at a jobsite on market st. where they were laying some block. i remember climbing up on the scaffolding looking for tools like some kind of goddamned thief. i also remember sitting in their gradall and wanting to fire it up and move some shit around just to mess with whoever the foreman is just because i happen to have a gradall key on me. i chickened out. i think so, at least... i remember it was raining really hard so i climbed through the fence at the other end and cut down market some more with crime on my mind. it's unusual for me, especially at my age, but i remember plotting hundreds of crimes involving every store and car i walked past. i remember foolishly noting that i hadn't seen a single cop car downtown so far. but there are ALWAYS cops downtown.
8:30a - i wake up to the sound of my phone ringing. i don't answer. i check my voicemail. it's my boss wondering what the latest is with my engineer. i don't call him back. i survey my apartment for clues.
Conclusions and Recommendations:
Our suspect walks home from the bar. he gains access to an inadequately secured construction site where he cavorts with scaffolding and heavy machinery. at some point he drops his phone in the mud and, in addition to his pre-existing wetness, becomes muddy himself. he walks back to his apartment having committed no crime(s) felonies. the suspect, having arrived at his place of residence, finds himself hungry. he proceeds to throw an unknown quantity of leftover rigatoni, (1) 15oz. can of peas and two slices of swiss cheese into a wok. he consumes said meal, drinks one beer, crushes up one 500mg pill of Vicodin (Watson 349), snorts most of it, undresses, and passes out.
While it must be noted that no serious crimes were committed nor did any regrettable sexual episodes occur physically, the suspect displayed a marked behavioral shift to the negative. meddling with dumpy girls and women of negotiable virtue lies firmly in the gateway to regret. in addition to the aforementioned sociopathic behavior, there remains much to be desired in regard to the suspects rampant disregard for the law and the welfare of the community. keeping in mind the adage that, "all's well that ends well", it is this magistrates finding that the suspect shall remain free of all punitive measures and should be advised that, in order to avoid any regrettable social complications, sexual dilemmas, burning sensations while urinating or lengthy jail sentences in the future, suspect should refrain from any and all criminal activity and re-evaluate his goals in life possibly with the help of a personally appointed psychiatric or alcoholic beverage dispensing institution.
-my shoes are covered in mud.
-there's a white powdery substance cut up on a cd case by my bed.
-there's two 4" square pieces of wax paper on the counter.
-there's an empty piece of tupperware in the sink.
-my ATM card is nowhere to be found.
-the jeans i was wearing last night are on the floor and soaked up to the knee.
-my phone is muddy.
-my fax machine is busted all to hell sitting on my chair.
-there's a can of peas in the kitchen trash.
The Background: (as much as i recall)
10:30p - i go to my fridge for a beer and find only 3 lonesome Tecate. Foreseeing a beer famine on the horizon i decide to walk to the Falconer for a few beers.
10:40p - as i'm passing by the Downtown Supper Club the rain picks up so i duck in for a beer.
10:45p - i pay cash for a single Hefeweizen and inform the bartender that will be all, thanks.
11:??p - i am approached by a girl who is hitting on me as a proxy for her dumpy 18 year old sister in the lounge area watching the karaoke.
11:??p - after giving her every reason to run and hide and explaining that i am an old and tired man, she insists i sit with them. i order another Hef.
11:??p - i introduce myself to the dumpy sister and sit with them cracking jokes. she's very shy and wont even really look at me. i feign interest in her and flatter her with compliments. at first she blushes, then becomes comfortable and i note that she's almost euphoric that someone seems to be genuinely interested in her. seems.
11:45p - it strikes me how lonely this girl must be and how she probably never gets any attention from the opposite sex on account of her dumpiness. it makes me so sad i want to jump out a fucking window, but alas, i'm only on the first floor. i mentally chastise myself for playing with the dumpy girl just because i find it flattering when someone, anyone, is attracted to me. i call it even since sitting next to her probably made her night. i thank them for their company and leave.
12:00a - after walking down 5 or 6 blocks of an utterly deserted main st. through a light rain, i arrive at the falconer. Sam from the coffee shop on the hill is outside smoking. we chit chat a little before heading inside.
12:01-2:30a - i'm hanging out with Sam and a brit who i'll assume is her boyfriend. we talk about kristen, the coffee shop, her roommate paige, etc. i insult her. never guess a girls age. there's no correct guess. she takes it well; nice girl. they leave and i spend the next half hour bullshitting with the bartenders and getting eyeballed by a girl who is CLEARLY there with a date. i'm flattered. she's fearless. i admire that. we play this game where every second her date is facing the other direction talking to his buddies, we exchange the most carnal looks imaginable. she is unwavering and not the least bit shy; somehow neither am i. she leaves with her group and locks eyes with me all the way to the door where she winks and steps out. tramp... 2:35a - everything is a blur. i remember checking the time on my phone and feeling blessed that they didn't toss us out right at 2:00a. i remember being incredibly hungry and, throwing caution to the wind, walking to the carls jr. of all places to see if it was open. i also remember climbing through the fence at a jobsite on market st. where they were laying some block. i remember climbing up on the scaffolding looking for tools like some kind of goddamned thief. i also remember sitting in their gradall and wanting to fire it up and move some shit around just to mess with whoever the foreman is just because i happen to have a gradall key on me. i chickened out. i think so, at least... i remember it was raining really hard so i climbed through the fence at the other end and cut down market some more with crime on my mind. it's unusual for me, especially at my age, but i remember plotting hundreds of crimes involving every store and car i walked past. i remember foolishly noting that i hadn't seen a single cop car downtown so far. but there are ALWAYS cops downtown.
8:30a - i wake up to the sound of my phone ringing. i don't answer. i check my voicemail. it's my boss wondering what the latest is with my engineer. i don't call him back. i survey my apartment for clues.
Conclusions and Recommendations:
Our suspect walks home from the bar. he gains access to an inadequately secured construction site where he cavorts with scaffolding and heavy machinery. at some point he drops his phone in the mud and, in addition to his pre-existing wetness, becomes muddy himself. he walks back to his apartment having committed no crime(s) felonies. the suspect, having arrived at his place of residence, finds himself hungry. he proceeds to throw an unknown quantity of leftover rigatoni, (1) 15oz. can of peas and two slices of swiss cheese into a wok. he consumes said meal, drinks one beer, crushes up one 500mg pill of Vicodin (Watson 349), snorts most of it, undresses, and passes out.
While it must be noted that no serious crimes were committed nor did any regrettable sexual episodes occur physically, the suspect displayed a marked behavioral shift to the negative. meddling with dumpy girls and women of negotiable virtue lies firmly in the gateway to regret. in addition to the aforementioned sociopathic behavior, there remains much to be desired in regard to the suspects rampant disregard for the law and the welfare of the community. keeping in mind the adage that, "all's well that ends well", it is this magistrates finding that the suspect shall remain free of all punitive measures and should be advised that, in order to avoid any regrettable social complications, sexual dilemmas, burning sensations while urinating or lengthy jail sentences in the future, suspect should refrain from any and all criminal activity and re-evaluate his goals in life possibly with the help of a personally appointed psychiatric or alcoholic beverage dispensing institution.