(no subject)
Ever since I received a very insightful comment from Jon on my last entry, I have been contemplating the difference between me in 9th grade and me now. The funniest part is that I don't really remember much about 9th grade - it seems like it was so long ago. I do remember however that I was a completely different person than I am now. Some changes are obvious, like the fact that I used to be shorter, and that I couldn't drive then. Other changes are really only obvious to those who know me best. Like:
1)I used to be ridiculously naive. I knew nothing about real life and thought that I would never drink and would spend the rest of my single life as a virgin. I now realize that the world is vast and complex and that no pre-conceived notions ever hold up against the inevitable. Also, I realize that our destiny is not completely ours to control, or else there wouldn't be things like death and divorce (this is not to say that we should just leave everything to chance however). I also spend more time now trying to figure out how things like the government and cars and sports work so that I am not left feeling vapid when people talk about them or when I have to take my car in for service. I couldn't stay innocent forever and I have come to terms with that as well, even though it gave me pangs at one point.
2)I was scared of everything in 9th grade. I was incredibly independent and opinionated, but was too scared to stand up for myself or speak out when I needed to. I rarely raised my hand in class to speak, and was deathly afraid of confrontation of any kind. I am now no longer afraid to tell people what I think - in fact, this particular lack of a filter has a tendency to get me into trouble sometimes. I don't believe in holding things back, but I am trying to learn a little bit of self control in that area. As far as being a scaredy cat, nothing has changed at all except that I am more afraid of myself now than I am of other people or things. I suppose I just don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to cope with things not going my way (if that makes any sense at all).
This is really as far as I have gotten in thinking about it - there isn't too much point in continuing. I am just trying now to not worry about who I was then, and to just be who I am now without regrets.
1)I used to be ridiculously naive. I knew nothing about real life and thought that I would never drink and would spend the rest of my single life as a virgin. I now realize that the world is vast and complex and that no pre-conceived notions ever hold up against the inevitable. Also, I realize that our destiny is not completely ours to control, or else there wouldn't be things like death and divorce (this is not to say that we should just leave everything to chance however). I also spend more time now trying to figure out how things like the government and cars and sports work so that I am not left feeling vapid when people talk about them or when I have to take my car in for service. I couldn't stay innocent forever and I have come to terms with that as well, even though it gave me pangs at one point.
2)I was scared of everything in 9th grade. I was incredibly independent and opinionated, but was too scared to stand up for myself or speak out when I needed to. I rarely raised my hand in class to speak, and was deathly afraid of confrontation of any kind. I am now no longer afraid to tell people what I think - in fact, this particular lack of a filter has a tendency to get me into trouble sometimes. I don't believe in holding things back, but I am trying to learn a little bit of self control in that area. As far as being a scaredy cat, nothing has changed at all except that I am more afraid of myself now than I am of other people or things. I suppose I just don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to cope with things not going my way (if that makes any sense at all).
This is really as far as I have gotten in thinking about it - there isn't too much point in continuing. I am just trying now to not worry about who I was then, and to just be who I am now without regrets.