Lessons Learned: The First Six Weeks
While I’ve had a million and one things to say on the process of raising babies, I have not unfortunately had a lot of free time available to do things like…write things on the process of raising babies. This is due largely in part to the fact that my girls are the entire sun, moon, and sky at the moment (I don’t see that changing any time) and also because anytime I’ve sat down with my laptop in hand to write about how things are going, one or both of them begin singing.
By singing, I mean crying. And by crying, I mean the purple in the face hyperventilation cry which newborns seem capable of which immediately raises a parents blood pressure.
SLEEP SCHEDULES: I am pleased to announce that by continuing to follow the “Babywise” schedule, we have started to level out in terms of night sleeping. That isn’t to say that we have elminiated a nighttime feeding, because we haven’t, but we’ve stopped setting alarms electing instead to wake up when the babies wake up during the hours of midnight to six. Sometimes we make it from 9 pm. until 3:30, other times we’re up at midnight and three and four and five and six. The nights where we get an uninterrupted block of roughly 4 1/2 hours however are becoming more frequent, and we’ve both agreed not to wake the other baby if it’s still asleep. If it’s awake, it will get fed. If it sleeps, it will sleep until it wakes up and then it will get fed.
I’ve always been a morning person. I would wake up at quarter to five to get ready for my day at school, spending some time with the Wii fit or other Wii exercise games to get the blood pumping. I wouldn’t go to bed until late at night. This lifestyle worked well for me.
3 a.m. however is the devil’s own wake time. When I am awakened at 3 a.m. by one or more screaming infants, I go from thinking “You two are the cutest things I”ve ever seen” to “WHY THE HELL WON’T YOU EAT!???” If it was that important for them to eat that they woke up screaming, waking half of Boon up in the process, they should certainly eat quickly and be satisfied.
This is never, EVER the case at 3:00 in the morning. 3 a.m. is time for a short, leisurely brunch of a feeding. They’re content to sip away at their formula not a care in the world, big eyes staring up at you like you’re some kind of a waiter who should be fetching them more breadsticks and another cup of coffee. You stare down at them as said surly waiter/waitress thinking “Leave the tip and get on your merry way.”
The 3 a.m. feeding will never, NEVER go quickly, and as you stare at the clock sleepily, you will wonder how an hour and a half could make so much difference.
Then comes they days when they go to sleep at 9 and wake up at 2:30. ON these days you feel as if you have won the lottery. You happily shove your sleeping wife awake and go “5 and a half hours! They made it 5 and a half hours!” 3 A.M. doesn’t sound so bad…
…until they once again sip away at the formula and peruse the wine list, always getting your hopes up but never ordering anything big.
SHOWERING: The people who know me know I tend to be a relatively hygienic person. I shower daily, and if it’s the hot sticky summer, that number sometimes goes up. So imagine my surprise these last six weeks when I think to myself “I am going to accomplish something today. I am going to take a shower.”
A shower doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, until you have an infant. Multiply those infants times two and you suddenly have a recipe for crazy hobo stank on your hands. You politely smile at guests while picking up and refusing to relinquish the smelliest of the two babies at the time for fear that the guest will associate that smell with you. On a baby, a little bit of fermenting formula stuck to a onesie is cute. On an adult it’s sad. And cause for an intervention. Either way, you’re not getting that shower.
You have three options with twins for getting that shower.
Option 1: Ask your spouse. This one doesn’t always work as your spouse is just as dirty as you are. If you’re lucky like I am, you can work out some kind of schedule whereby every few days you each get a turn. This is not guaranteed however and subject to the moods of the two tiny humans whom you are indentured to for the next 18 years.
Option 2: Take a shower and let them scream. You hear the screaming from the pack and play you’ve hauled into the bathroom with you. You know that they have been fed, changed, burped, and that they are perfectly content. Still, showering under these circumstances leaves you feeling like a tiny asshole of a human being. I do not ever, EVER recommend Option 2.
Option 3: Wait for a guest to appear. With babies you average a couple each week. WIth twins that number is closer to four or five. Once they appear, tell them “I need to use the bathroom for a moment.” You’re not technically lying, as most showers are not located right in the family room. The upside: No guest in their right mind is going to leave children unattended, so you could technically take as long as you want up there. The downside: The longer you take the more your guest is going to wonder, and when you finally emerge and the “hobo stank” is gone, they’ll know once and for all that you are a horrifically dirty human being.
SPIT UP: Not to get back on my 3 a.m. kick, but if you’re the one on the 3 a.m. duty so you can dutifully allow your working spouse to sleep, there is a cold, hard truth in which you must be painfully aware of. It won’t make things any better by knowing it in advance, but it will help to know you’re not alone.
As soon as you get your fussy, screaming infants fed, and they start to doze back off, the second you put their head back in their cribs, they will spit up.
It won’t be a little drizzle down the cheeks either. It will be massive fountains of formula. Amounts which will make you question whether or not your baby actually took in any nutrients (turns out they did). You will then spend at least another half hour cleaning them up, soothing them, and calming them back down. You’ll put their little heads back into the crib and start to doze back off. After all, your shift ends somewhere in the 5-6 a.m. range.
Unfortunately you’re not done yet. You’ll just be dozing off when one of them will awaken wanting more food. You’ll stammer and sputter (unless you got to sleep until 2:30 by missing the midnight feeding, then you’ll just swear and roll your eyes) pick the crying infant up and feed it more formula.
From here one of three scenarios will play out: Scenario 1 - Now sleeping baby will be fine, you’ll put it back in the crib and get to sleep through the rest of your shift. Scenario 2 - SLeeping baby will be fine and the second you drift off again the other one will wake up wanting more food. Scenario 3 - One or both babies wakes up, you feed them, and they throw up again.
In case you haven’t figured it out, I love fatherhood. The only thing annoying about it is 3 a.m.
So I’ve made this whole post and haven’t once given you any twin cuteness to view. So, in closing, here you go
