004. set fire to the third bar | dan/blair
Tittle: Set fire to the third bar.
Pairing: Dan/Blair (minor Chuck/Blair).
Summary: They are never quite together but never quite apart.
Rating: PG-13? (T).
Notes: Tittle it's from the Snow Patrol song. This is a three-parter, but I'm posting all together. The first part is set six years after Dan and Serena got married. This is just shameless wishful thinking. It had been a while since I wrote something, I wasn't inspired.
-
Your words in my memory.
(Did I love you? I don’t know.
I just know I love you now.)
-
He writes. Mostly about her, hundreds turned thousands of pages filled with unadulterated longing that will only belong to him and her and to the way they are never quite together but never quite apart.
And he wonders, oh he wonders… what if…
She loved him.
What if she loved him?
The way her lips used to curve upwards, the way her eyes shone in the night, her soft fingers running across his skins…
She loved him.
Oh, yes, she did.
But.
What if she didn’t?
No. No, she didn’t. Of course she didn’t…
That’s why she’s gone.
But then he remembers her hair tangled in his neck, the lazy lips kissing his chin, her hands cupping his face before kissing him until she fell asleep, and he just knows…
Not even Blair is that good at deceit. She loved him.
Was it ever real? Was she fooling herself?
Sometimes at night, she feels as if she misses him. But that can’t be true, because she didn’t love him. Didn’t she? She didn’t love him, she loved Chuck.
(She loves Chuck.)
He was a distraction, something she used to distance herself from the reality that Chuck and her were not going to be.
But.
Maybe she loved him? Maybe just a little bit? Maybe she loved him the way people only love in the good movies.
You know, that kind of life-changing love that only changes your life when you realize it’s completely gone.
Did she love him?
Or maybe she just misses him. A lot.
He lays in bed alone. His cold side only reminding him of the way her body used to fit against his side. And then she smiled and kissed his chin again, and he laughed just because he was so fucking happy.
And now this is reality.
Is she sleeping by his side? Is he touching her the way he used to? Like when he ran a hand across her back and whispered silly things in her ear.
“You talk an awful lot, Humphrey,” she would say.
Oh, but now the silence makes him realize that he only ever wanted to talk to her.
Oh, he loved her. She loved him, too.
But.
Here they are, years later. Years filled with a divorce for him, a loveless marriage for her, and dull life that they don’t want to live anymore (they never really wanted it, if they are honest with themselves).
They are more in love than ever. They are in love with what they could have been.
They never were, just because… Just because they gave up too soon, both in different ways.
And now all they have is that aching doubt: What if…
What if we loved each now?
(It’s not like they ever stopped.)
This can't last.
(I think about all the times I thought I said too much,
Now I realize that I never said anything at all).
-
He sees her again, all of the sudden. It’s by chance, because somehow the years had made New York far bigger than it used to be. The years diluted the coincidences, deleted the meetings by chance, somehow prevented the day they would meet again.
He sees her again, all of the sudden, and he thinks that it shouldn’t be possible that his memories of her face are pale in comparison or her beauty. She looks older, ragged, sad and lonely, but beautiful all the same.
“Blair Bass,” he says, “it’s been such a long time.”
He swears he sees her froze on the spot, but pushes the thought away because that woman right there is Blair Bass, and Blair Bass doesn’t fear Dan Humphrey.
“Dan…” she breathes.
He sees her again, all of the sudden, but the way she looks at him is completely new.
It’s like… It’s like she missed him, maybe.
“Are you…?” (fine, still married, as lonely as I am, as in love with you as I am), “Are you busy? Maybe we could get some coffee and…” he sighs, “talk. We could talk.”
Oh, really smooth.
It doesn’t matter, because she agrees.
She has this sudden impulse to lie.
(“I’m not married anymore,” she would say, and Dan would drop their coffees out of the table and just kiss her because he can’t stand it anymore and he just has to touch her.)
“So, how’s life?” he asks.
She has this sudden impulse to lie. But she doesn’t.
“Fine, I guess,” she answers, “A great penthouse, a lovely son, a… marriage.”
(She wonders if he noticed the way her voice changed at the thought of her poor excuse of a marriage with Chuck Bass.)
“Oh,” he exhales, and it’s all over his face. Of course he noticed, this is Dan and he always knows.
“And you?”
Beat.
“I… write. And sleep,” he shrugs, “I’m just used to spend my time alone, with Jenny being always so busy and dad on tour.”
“What about Eric?” she asks, genuinely interested (seriously, when was the last time that happened?).
“Didn’t Serena tell you? He moved to London six months ago.”
She looks at him straight in the eye and says, “I don’t talk to Serena anymore.”
Beat.
“Yeah, that makes two of us.”
It happens again. Coffee, movies, long conversations about everything and nothing at all.
It happens again: Falling in love with another world, creating a world together.
(And the eternal shadow of Chuck Bass lingering around them).
“You know this can’t last,” she says.
He’s tempted to quote The Age of Innocence, but decides against it.
“If that’s what you think.”
She sighs, looking at him with a defeated look in her eyes.
“I wish it could, though.”
“You and I, we both know that it could,” he tells her, his face obscuring with a darkness that reminds her of the first time she saw him after she left him, “But you’re always scared.”
And he walks away.
Is she sleeping by his side? Is he touching her the way he used to?
No, he isn’t. Because Chuck doesn’t love her the way he did (the way he does). So he couldn’t possibly be holding her the same way.
Or at least that’s what he wants to believe. He doesn’t want to think about brown messy hair tangled around his neck and he doesn’t want to think about those lips kissing another chin.
And he just wishes she was brave enough to try again. But she isn’t. And the truth is that he is scared as hell too.
Across the bridge, looking out of the window Blair Waldorf cries and thinks of him.
She thinks of all the things she’s going to do to make him come back.
(Just, maybe, it could last).
Set fire to the third bar.
(All I wanted…
I just wanted…
You).
-She’s at his door, her doe eyes filled with longing and something he can’t quite name but he totally understands.
“Blair.”
“Dan, I…” she starts, but can’t finish the sentence. She doesn’t know what to say, which is weird considering that she since they first became friends she thought of Dan as the person she could tell everything, without keeping any secrets and trying to deceive him.
“What are you doing here, Blair?”
“I don’t…”
He sighs, giving her space to get into the loft. She enters, and it’s suddenly reminded of all the times they were here together.
She crossed the unspoken line they had set, coming here tonight.
“I don’t know what to say, Dan.”
“Well, that’s a first. Usually you say a lot of things, even if they don’t make any sense at all or you’re lying to yourself,” he answers, not really looking her in the eye.
“I miss you!” she blurts out, “That’s why I’m here,” she adds, her voice almost a whisper, “I needed to see you.”
He’s silent, but this time he’s looking at her with such intensity that Blair thinks she might come undone under his gaze.
“Blair, I love you, but I can’t keep up doing this. I need to forget about you and I can’t do that if you’re around,” he looks pained.
“Don’t forget me, please,” she says, coming closer to him, “I don’t want you to forget me.”
“Blair, you can’t ask to wait forever, waiting to catch you in between the multiple heartbreaks Chuck causes you,” he tells her, leaning closer to her to cup her face in his hands, she tries to avert his gaze.
“Dan…”
She sounds so broken that it breaks him.
“I love you. That’s why I can’t stand the fact that I have you in many ways, but I can’t have you completely.”
She looks at him then, her eyes are a mixture of fire and sadness. And in the light that comes from the window, she looks so beautiful and sad, so broken but at the same so delightfully stunning, he just can’t stand looking at her, being this close to her without being closer.
“You can have all of me,” she tilts her face forward, because she can’t really kiss him if he doesn’t let her face go.
“Blair, you’re married.”
And then, to his utter surprise, she laughs. Her watery eyes shine and she looks so bright that it might make him blind.
“No, I’m not. As of today, I’m a free woman.”
He kisses her, his lips gentle at first, leaving little kisses in her lower lips, not daring to go further.
“I wasn’t ignoring you,” she says between his kisses, “I was… I realized a week after I told you we couldn’t meet again that I didn’t want to be without you. I missed you so much,” she laughs, and he catches the sound between his lips, opening her mouth with his tongue, tangling the laughter with the passion.
“Blair, I love you, I love you, god, I love you so much,” he says after he breaks the kiss, hugging her tightly.
“I wanted to be with you, but I wanted to make it right. No more room for doubts in this, Dan,” she whispers into his shoulder, “I love you. I realized it two years ago, about three months before we met again and I… I don’t believe in destiny anymore, but for a moment I thought that it was a sign and… For crying out loud, kiss me again.”
He ends the hug before covering her lips with his. He knows that, if someone were to watch them, they would think this is the cheesiest thing in the world, but he doesn’t care. With Blair, he wants everything, no matter how cheesy it might be.
He realizes she’s crying, so he pulls away.
“What’s wrong?”
“Did you ever felt so happy, so content, so in peace, that you cried?” she asks.
“No.”
“Yeah, me neither,” she laughs, her cheeks shining with the trail her tears left.
She pulls him back for another kiss, and it’s not long before that they’re laying on the couch, cuddling together and watching Roman Holiday in his laptop.
“Audrey really does insist on reminding me of our love story, doesn’t she?” Blair asks.
“Well, you had to have a reason for her to be your favorite Hepburn,” Dan jokes.
“I can’t help it, Humphrey, you’re just that irresistible,” she rolls her eyes, laughing.
“You said that like you’re joking but we both know it’s true.”
“Dan, it’s pretty obvious that you’re the one that can’t resist me.”
He rolls his eyes, “I’m going to let you win this one-”
“This one?” she cocks an eyebrow.
“I’m going to let you win every argument ever, as per usual. So I’m going to say that you’re right, you’re pretty much the most hard to resist human being I’ve ever encountered. Your beauty and your wits always keep me on my toes, and that’s why I love you.”
“I know I’m going to want to punch myself in the face for this later, but I think the same thing about you.”
“All of what I said?”
“Except the bit about letting you win in the arguments, seeing as I’m always right and therefore I’ll win.”
She gives him a light peck and turns back to put The Philadelphia Story.
“I’m surprised you’re deciding to watch a film with Katharine, since I was sure I was going to be commanded to watch an Audrey marathon,” he jokes.
“You’re laughing now, but we’re watching Breakfast at Tiffany’s later. This is just because it holds a sentimental significance in my life.”
“I remember,” he says, “you thought you were sneaky and I didn’t notice you fell asleep on my shoulder and then decided to avoid the awkwardness by fleeing the loft. But I remember it.”
“Well, okay. Then…”
“Then this movie holds a sentimental significance in my life too, Blair.”
She smiles and cuddles into his side, feeling the warm of his skins through his shirt, and they watch the two movies together, almost silent, just enjoying the feeling of contentment.
She falls asleep on his shoulder, tucked at his side, a serene smile on her face. And the next morning, she’s still there, feeling happier than ever, and she doesn’t plan to leave.
Not that morning, not ever.