Mood Journal?
I've been thinking about Rolando for awhile now, ever since I decided to change my number for the second time and cut him out of my life(haha). I couldn't find his number so our usual silence phase lasted longer than I had intended. Having nothing to do at home today, I started to look for it again. I realized I most likely had some number of his scribbled in my old address book. I looked, and surely I did. I didn't think it was his number anymore though, so when he answered I was a little taken back. It was all so impulsive I hadn't actually thought through what I was going to say. Not speaking to someone after two months and then randomly calling them isn't the most ideal situation, particularly if they've left to Japan. I didn't want to believe him at first, I kept waiting for him to be like, "sike! I'm in VA come over" but that didn't happen. Sure enough he's gone again. He wont have vacation time for another 8 months. I cried the entire time I was on the phone with him, but he didn't know that. I eventually got off the phone, called Luana and cried like a baby. I felt like an asshole to call a woman who's man is in Iraq and has been dealing with said situation for months now, to complain about an interest of mine who's left to Japan, yet again. I mean, let me not understate it, he's more than an interest... but he's also a pain in the ass. It just seems like every time I see the better parts of him, and as a result actually see "us" as a possibility, he's on his way out. I was really choked up about this earlier, I'm not sure where that came from. I'm not sure about him, and maybe I will never be too positive considering we're just so damn different... I just know I always miss him, and those moments we had/have when everythings cool and worth the differences. I gave that man my "virgencita," my lucky charm ... I don't think I did that for no reason. He's incredibly affectionate, and the way he touches and looks at me is genuine and sincere. Sounds weird and probably a given, but I don't know... these days that counts for so much. Despite the differences and everything, I never felt wrong for being with him. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. But I was just recently reminded of that really hard hitting feeling you get when you're with someone who you know you just shouldn't be with. It usually hits you after, when the charm fades away and you realize you totally fell for it, or just completely ignored it. But it was never like that with him. I never regretted our time together, or what we did, it was cool in the moment. He was sweet and I miss him, a lot. But I'll be fine. I think what really killed me was realizing a number of things.
I didn't realize how fucked up I was towards him. I'm not saying he was an angel and that I irrationally got mad all the time, but I had trust issues(thank you Pinero!). I think it's silly that I was always under the impression that because I was able to function/trust my family and friends so well that obviously I had no trust issues. But that's ridiculous, and unfortunately I didn't recognize it for what it was. I also do have mood issues. It's not that I express anger or whatever, it's just that I (think) I simply don't think things through, or really analyze what I'm feeling. I go with the surface feelings and actions and assume everything's going to be fine. But it's not. I need to make an effort to fuckin' listen to myself. Whatever I'm doing now, is not healthy, I just feel and think and don't really put it anywhere or do anything with it. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I guess I can't put into words what I know I have to begin to do. It was just weird that from all places, this came from Rolando. But I guess shit sneaks up on you like that.
There's a lot of random little life shit that I should probably write down at some point, so I don't forget. I'm going to try and write every day. I've been trying to do this for some time now, but have been lazy. But I think it's important that I do. I keep complaining about how I think my mood changes dramatically right before my period, but this week after really analyzing my mood I am already beginning to think differently. I can thank Psychology of Women, and specifically Dr.Stearns for that :) Fuck PMS! No but really, I think right now I just need to do that. I need to be putting my thoughts down daily so that I can make sense of everything, rather than just trip on random nights and feel like my mind is going to explode. I'll see how it goes. But for now, I'm off to bed.
Paz...
I didn't realize how fucked up I was towards him. I'm not saying he was an angel and that I irrationally got mad all the time, but I had trust issues(thank you Pinero!). I think it's silly that I was always under the impression that because I was able to function/trust my family and friends so well that obviously I had no trust issues. But that's ridiculous, and unfortunately I didn't recognize it for what it was. I also do have mood issues. It's not that I express anger or whatever, it's just that I (think) I simply don't think things through, or really analyze what I'm feeling. I go with the surface feelings and actions and assume everything's going to be fine. But it's not. I need to make an effort to fuckin' listen to myself. Whatever I'm doing now, is not healthy, I just feel and think and don't really put it anywhere or do anything with it. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I guess I can't put into words what I know I have to begin to do. It was just weird that from all places, this came from Rolando. But I guess shit sneaks up on you like that.
There's a lot of random little life shit that I should probably write down at some point, so I don't forget. I'm going to try and write every day. I've been trying to do this for some time now, but have been lazy. But I think it's important that I do. I keep complaining about how I think my mood changes dramatically right before my period, but this week after really analyzing my mood I am already beginning to think differently. I can thank Psychology of Women, and specifically Dr.Stearns for that :) Fuck PMS! No but really, I think right now I just need to do that. I need to be putting my thoughts down daily so that I can make sense of everything, rather than just trip on random nights and feel like my mind is going to explode. I'll see how it goes. But for now, I'm off to bed.
Paz...