Home...
I can't really believe that I'm already finished with my first year of college. Along with that disbelief, I'm also starting to fear the end of this year. I trust a lot to time. I trust that confusion will turn to clarity, and really that plans will unfold for me. But that's not the way it works. Plans don't just unfold unless actions are taken. The problem is I'm scared to take any action without having a clear idea of where I'm going or what I'm doing.
Some days I'm just like fuck it, I'll spend a year traveling after this year and just get that feeling out of my system. Come back, buckle down and get shit done. Then other days I'm certain that I'll travel for the summer before I transfer, come back and have the energy to start at a new university. But I'm never really sure and it's because I'm big on signs, on fate, on things falling into place.
I like DC, it feels like home, but I don't know if I want to spend the next few years of my life getting to know a place that has always been in my backyard. I'm scared of spending my time here and not finding whatever it is that I'm looking for, and then regretting it for the rest of my life. But then I'm also scared of moving away not finding anything, and missing a lot of opportunities here. Watching my nephews grow up, helping my parents out, going to school for cheap (maybe), etc. I don't even really know if I like DC for any good reasons beside that it's familiar to me. It's where I traveled to on metro weekends on end when I was too young to drive or go anywhere else. But even when I could drive and I had more freedom, I always found myself in the city. Most of the organizing I've done has been in DC. Free time is mostly always spent there. I like it because I know it, even though there's still a lot I haven't experienced.
But then there's tons of stuff that bothers me about DC. I hate how it feels like everyone is temporarily in DC. Everyone is in DC for the summer, or for a few years before they leave to somewhere they love more. I hate how cold people feel here. I hate the rush and the superficiality of everything. I hate the lack of culture. I hate that everything is overpriced. I hate the traffic. I hate that so many people are not from here. I hate that there's so many buildings and so little parks.
I hate a lot about DC, but I love a lot. But like I said, I don't know how much of that is just the fact that DC is familiar. That I have memories here, that I know my way around, and that it's just my city. I guess a part of me feels like if it's home, it has to be right. If I was meant to be anywhere else I would have been there already. But I don't think that's right. I think that's something thats subconciously been drilled into me, much the way loving your family unconditionally has, even when it's not right.
Someone told me that the only way to make real change is to against what you want to do. I see how that can fail in many situations, but like right now, this small fear of leaving... I think deep down just stems from me being scared to really change, grow, and be on my own. When it gets down to it, DC will always be here. My family will be here, memories will always be with me. The time to be young and free, without commitments to anyone or anything ... feels like it can slip away, and I don't want it to.