FIC: LOTRiPS MYSTERY THEATRE
Title: LOTRiPS MYSTERY THEATRE
Author: vensre
Starring: Dom/Billy UST, and if I told the rest it wouldn't be a mystery.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: The way I can imagine is not the true Way.
Notes: Written for lotrpschallenge #8. Which means this fic has been in progress for three fricking years. So please enjoy it. Beta by ali_jayne.
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[theme music playing in the background] It's time now for another episode of LOTRiPS MYSTERY THEATRE. Brought to you by lotrpschallenge... [organ music trills] DOMINIC: [laughing] Your eyes give you away! ELIJAH: Wha..? SEAN: No, don't even try. We know you're not asleep. If you were, your eyes wouldn't be closed all the way. It's a damn creepy phenomenon, you know. ELIJAH: Talk sense, f'r Chrissake. It's early. DOMINIC: What, and make it easy on you? [music begins] Have you heard this yet? It's in Japanese. ELIJAH: [groans] Make it stop... DOMINIC: It's by The Pillows! [music increases in volume] Isn't the guitar work something? Wonder if we could get Billy to do that. SEAN: Would you like some coffee? You look wrung out. ELIJAH: Don't talk to me about coffee. [roughly simultaneously, two pounding knocks come from different directions] IAN: [muffled] Turn off that infernal noise! DOMINIC: But Sir Ian-- IAN: Then turn it up loud enough for me to make out the words, and shut off the bass boost, or you'll have a wizard to deal with! [one of the knocks sounds again] SEAN: Get the door, will ya Dom? [the door clicks and creaks metallically] DOMINIC: Oh, hey Orli. You all right there, mate? ORLANDO: ...[thud] ELIJAH: Orlando? He's passed out! DOMINIC: Um, I know, I'm the one who caught him. He's heavy for such a skinny guy. SEAN: What's wrong with him? Should we call an ambulance? DOMINIC: I can't tell. I think he's breathing... Yep. [light slap] Hey Orli! Wake up, you prat! SEAN: Here, let's get him inside. [more thudding noises, and the dragging of a limp body] ELIJAH: Put him in Billy's chair. DOMINIC: Oof! ...Where is Billy, anyway? SEAN: I haven't seen him at all yet this morning. DOMINIC: I hope he's not passed out somewhere. ELIJAH: [snickers] Maybe he'll need mouth-to-mouth, huh Dom? DOMINIC: [defensively] Shut it! SEAN: Shh, you guys, I think he's coming around. ORLANDO: Whurrgh? SEAN: Take it easy, there. Do you know what happened? ORLANDO: ...[giggles drunkenly] ELIJAH: What the fuck? ORLANDO: [belches] SEAN: Aw, no way! Who gave him booze so early? Today's going to be a nightmare when PJ realizes Legolas is smashed out of his mind. ELIJAH: Not so loud! Maybe we can hide him until it wears off a little. DOMINIC: Orlando... You're still drunk from yesterday, aren't you. SEAN: What? Ohh, this is not good. ELIJAH: Try putting him on the sofa back there and draping a blanket over him. DOMINIC: Just so long as he doesn't pull a Native Son on us. SEAN: Ugh, I read that. Morbid, Dom. DOMINIC: And, up we go. Walk, Orli. One foot in front of the other, c'mon. Hey, 'Lighe, I know you're the idea man, but you don't think you could possibly give us a hand, here? ELIJAH: Oh, I'd just be in the way... DOMINIC: Whatever, mate. SEAN: Somebody's coming! [frantic rustling] VIGGO: Mornin'. Have you seen the elf? I thought he staggered up this way. DOMINIC: Oh, hey Viggo. C'mon in. He's over there. Sit on him if you like. ORLANDO: [groans over the squeal of the hinges] SEAN: Or not, since he seems kinda nauseous. VIGGO: Orlando? You're looking pretty rough, there, my friend. DOMINIC: Yeah, he's tight as an owl. VIGGO: Unfortunate. We're supposed to be filming more Council of Elrond today, and he has enough trouble sitting still as it is. ELIJAH: What's the time frame on that? We haven't been called yet, but... VIGGO: Bean's running interference while I round up this one, but I don't think he's going anywhere just now. SEAN: How'd Orlando even get to set this morning? And... how did you know he was still drunk from last night, Dom? DOMINIC: Don't look at me. Just 'cause I know he's such a lightweight that he can't even have the fumes wafted at him. I stayed in last night. Withnail & I was on. IAN: [calls from the other side of the wall] I can attest to that! I saw part of it as well. ALL: ... DOMINIC: Anyway. Yeah, I had nothing to do with it. BILLY: Nothing to do with what? Watching something? SEAN: There you are! Where've you been all morning? ELIJAH: Yeah, Dom was worried. BILLY: That's sweet, but not really necessary. Just had a few things t' take care of. DOMINIC: [growling] BILLY: Is that Orlando back there? People are looking for you, mate. ...What's that look? ORLANDO: [gurgles unhappily] SEAN: He's toasted. BILLY: [amused] Is that what Dom had nothing to do with? DOMINIC: As a matter of fact, yes. VIGGO: Savor this innocence. I'm sure it doesn't happen often. ELIJAH: [chuckles] How true! DOMINIC: The question being: Orli clearly got to the set somehow - who's his accomplice? SEAN: He might have taken a taxi. BILLY: Oh, the guilty party hasn't copped to the fault yet? SEAN: Who? BILLY: [dramatically] Him! [organ sting] ALL: [gasp] ELIJAH: Hey, c'mon, why're you blaming me? Wha'd I do? BILLY: Nice try, Elwood. The only reason you're not still tipsy is you've got a better tolerance than Orlando. But not by much. I saw you at two different gay bars in Wellington last night - though apparently you didn't see me. Too wrapped up in your own affairs, I think? ELIJAH: It'll take more than shitty puns to get me to admit to anything! BILLY: Oh, I think you'd be wisest to. After all, I saw you [whispers something unintelligible]. ELIJAH: [mutters] You'll pay for this, Bill, you really will. BILLY: Frankly, I already am. I'm nearly as hung over as you, although it took a lot more drinks t' do this. ELIJAH: Oh, um? Would you like some aspirin? BILLY: I'm ahead of you on that front. [kindly] You drove Orli this morning, didn't you? ORLANDO: He-- ha ha! SEAN: What's that? BILLY: Oh, you're actually conscious. Didn't realise. ORLANDO: Not... just... the thing. [snrk] You know the thing? ELIJAH: What thing? DOMINIC: [thoughtfully] Was he this plastered when you brought him in this morning? ELIJAH: He wasn't, actually. It's weird. DOMINIC: Well, I think that's what he's trying to say. ORLANDO: Yeah! There was, y'know, some other stuff... Other stuff. Heh. BILLY: Other alcohol? On set? Where'd you find it? ORLANDO: My ears. VIGGO: Somebody get that boy some coffee. Eh. I'll do it. SEAN: Your ears... You know what? I think I know what he's talking about! Look, he's only got one of his ears attached. And what on set has alcohol in it? DOMINIC: The glue remover! [organ chord] ELIJAH: He drank that? Sick! SEAN: No, it's just that... well, Dom said it a little while ago, and it's literally true, at least when Orlando's drunk to begin with: he can't even have the fumes wafted at him. VIGGO: [starts laughing] DOMINIC: Man. That's weak. ELIJAH: He's really a much better dancer before he starts drinking. BILLY: No offence to anybody but Orli, but somebody's got to keep him from drinking so much on work nights. See to that, won't you, 'Lijah? ELIJAH: Yeah, okay. SEAN: That really is sort of pathetic. And I guess there's still the problem of shifting the blame. Maybe we should tell them that he had a bad reaction to the glue remover, so they'll get some other kind to use on him. It's not a lie, and that'd keep it from happening again, at least. PJ: Tell who? ALL: Boss! [multiple dramatic chords, followed by the theme music] So concludes today's episode of LOTRiPS MYSTERY THEATRE, a presentation of lotrpschallenge. Also brought to you by The Tinkilt Foundation. Tune in the same time next week for the thrilling continuation... [soft organ melody] DOMINIC: Hey, Bills? Did you say you were at a gay bar when you saw Orlando and Elijah? BILLY: Er, yes. Two, actually. Why? DOMINIC: Erm. I... ELIJAH: [laughing loudly] DOMINIC: I said shut up, 'Lighe! [organ sting] That's next week, on LOTRiPS MYSTERY THEATRE. Until then... sweet dreams, lotrippers.
:~
Author: vensre
Starring: Dom/Billy UST, and if I told the rest it wouldn't be a mystery.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: The way I can imagine is not the true Way.
Notes: Written for lotrpschallenge #8. Which means this fic has been in progress for three fricking years. So please enjoy it. Beta by ali_jayne.
~:
[theme music playing in the background] It's time now for another episode of LOTRiPS MYSTERY THEATRE. Brought to you by lotrpschallenge... [organ music trills] DOMINIC: [laughing] Your eyes give you away! ELIJAH: Wha..? SEAN: No, don't even try. We know you're not asleep. If you were, your eyes wouldn't be closed all the way. It's a damn creepy phenomenon, you know. ELIJAH: Talk sense, f'r Chrissake. It's early. DOMINIC: What, and make it easy on you? [music begins] Have you heard this yet? It's in Japanese. ELIJAH: [groans] Make it stop... DOMINIC: It's by The Pillows! [music increases in volume] Isn't the guitar work something? Wonder if we could get Billy to do that. SEAN: Would you like some coffee? You look wrung out. ELIJAH: Don't talk to me about coffee. [roughly simultaneously, two pounding knocks come from different directions] IAN: [muffled] Turn off that infernal noise! DOMINIC: But Sir Ian-- IAN: Then turn it up loud enough for me to make out the words, and shut off the bass boost, or you'll have a wizard to deal with! [one of the knocks sounds again] SEAN: Get the door, will ya Dom? [the door clicks and creaks metallically] DOMINIC: Oh, hey Orli. You all right there, mate? ORLANDO: ...[thud] ELIJAH: Orlando? He's passed out! DOMINIC: Um, I know, I'm the one who caught him. He's heavy for such a skinny guy. SEAN: What's wrong with him? Should we call an ambulance? DOMINIC: I can't tell. I think he's breathing... Yep. [light slap] Hey Orli! Wake up, you prat! SEAN: Here, let's get him inside. [more thudding noises, and the dragging of a limp body] ELIJAH: Put him in Billy's chair. DOMINIC: Oof! ...Where is Billy, anyway? SEAN: I haven't seen him at all yet this morning. DOMINIC: I hope he's not passed out somewhere. ELIJAH: [snickers] Maybe he'll need mouth-to-mouth, huh Dom? DOMINIC: [defensively] Shut it! SEAN: Shh, you guys, I think he's coming around. ORLANDO: Whurrgh? SEAN: Take it easy, there. Do you know what happened? ORLANDO: ...[giggles drunkenly] ELIJAH: What the fuck? ORLANDO: [belches] SEAN: Aw, no way! Who gave him booze so early? Today's going to be a nightmare when PJ realizes Legolas is smashed out of his mind. ELIJAH: Not so loud! Maybe we can hide him until it wears off a little. DOMINIC: Orlando... You're still drunk from yesterday, aren't you. SEAN: What? Ohh, this is not good. ELIJAH: Try putting him on the sofa back there and draping a blanket over him. DOMINIC: Just so long as he doesn't pull a Native Son on us. SEAN: Ugh, I read that. Morbid, Dom. DOMINIC: And, up we go. Walk, Orli. One foot in front of the other, c'mon. Hey, 'Lighe, I know you're the idea man, but you don't think you could possibly give us a hand, here? ELIJAH: Oh, I'd just be in the way... DOMINIC: Whatever, mate. SEAN: Somebody's coming! [frantic rustling] VIGGO: Mornin'. Have you seen the elf? I thought he staggered up this way. DOMINIC: Oh, hey Viggo. C'mon in. He's over there. Sit on him if you like. ORLANDO: [groans over the squeal of the hinges] SEAN: Or not, since he seems kinda nauseous. VIGGO: Orlando? You're looking pretty rough, there, my friend. DOMINIC: Yeah, he's tight as an owl. VIGGO: Unfortunate. We're supposed to be filming more Council of Elrond today, and he has enough trouble sitting still as it is. ELIJAH: What's the time frame on that? We haven't been called yet, but... VIGGO: Bean's running interference while I round up this one, but I don't think he's going anywhere just now. SEAN: How'd Orlando even get to set this morning? And... how did you know he was still drunk from last night, Dom? DOMINIC: Don't look at me. Just 'cause I know he's such a lightweight that he can't even have the fumes wafted at him. I stayed in last night. Withnail & I was on. IAN: [calls from the other side of the wall] I can attest to that! I saw part of it as well. ALL: ... DOMINIC: Anyway. Yeah, I had nothing to do with it. BILLY: Nothing to do with what? Watching something? SEAN: There you are! Where've you been all morning? ELIJAH: Yeah, Dom was worried. BILLY: That's sweet, but not really necessary. Just had a few things t' take care of. DOMINIC: [growling] BILLY: Is that Orlando back there? People are looking for you, mate. ...What's that look? ORLANDO: [gurgles unhappily] SEAN: He's toasted. BILLY: [amused] Is that what Dom had nothing to do with? DOMINIC: As a matter of fact, yes. VIGGO: Savor this innocence. I'm sure it doesn't happen often. ELIJAH: [chuckles] How true! DOMINIC: The question being: Orli clearly got to the set somehow - who's his accomplice? SEAN: He might have taken a taxi. BILLY: Oh, the guilty party hasn't copped to the fault yet? SEAN: Who? BILLY: [dramatically] Him! [organ sting] ALL: [gasp] ELIJAH: Hey, c'mon, why're you blaming me? Wha'd I do? BILLY: Nice try, Elwood. The only reason you're not still tipsy is you've got a better tolerance than Orlando. But not by much. I saw you at two different gay bars in Wellington last night - though apparently you didn't see me. Too wrapped up in your own affairs, I think? ELIJAH: It'll take more than shitty puns to get me to admit to anything! BILLY: Oh, I think you'd be wisest to. After all, I saw you [whispers something unintelligible]. ELIJAH: [mutters] You'll pay for this, Bill, you really will. BILLY: Frankly, I already am. I'm nearly as hung over as you, although it took a lot more drinks t' do this. ELIJAH: Oh, um? Would you like some aspirin? BILLY: I'm ahead of you on that front. [kindly] You drove Orli this morning, didn't you? ORLANDO: He-- ha ha! SEAN: What's that? BILLY: Oh, you're actually conscious. Didn't realise. ORLANDO: Not... just... the thing. [snrk] You know the thing? ELIJAH: What thing? DOMINIC: [thoughtfully] Was he this plastered when you brought him in this morning? ELIJAH: He wasn't, actually. It's weird. DOMINIC: Well, I think that's what he's trying to say. ORLANDO: Yeah! There was, y'know, some other stuff... Other stuff. Heh. BILLY: Other alcohol? On set? Where'd you find it? ORLANDO: My ears. VIGGO: Somebody get that boy some coffee. Eh. I'll do it. SEAN: Your ears... You know what? I think I know what he's talking about! Look, he's only got one of his ears attached. And what on set has alcohol in it? DOMINIC: The glue remover! [organ chord] ELIJAH: He drank that? Sick! SEAN: No, it's just that... well, Dom said it a little while ago, and it's literally true, at least when Orlando's drunk to begin with: he can't even have the fumes wafted at him. VIGGO: [starts laughing] DOMINIC: Man. That's weak. ELIJAH: He's really a much better dancer before he starts drinking. BILLY: No offence to anybody but Orli, but somebody's got to keep him from drinking so much on work nights. See to that, won't you, 'Lijah? ELIJAH: Yeah, okay. SEAN: That really is sort of pathetic. And I guess there's still the problem of shifting the blame. Maybe we should tell them that he had a bad reaction to the glue remover, so they'll get some other kind to use on him. It's not a lie, and that'd keep it from happening again, at least. PJ: Tell who? ALL: Boss! [multiple dramatic chords, followed by the theme music] So concludes today's episode of LOTRiPS MYSTERY THEATRE, a presentation of lotrpschallenge. Also brought to you by The Tinkilt Foundation. Tune in the same time next week for the thrilling continuation... [soft organ melody] DOMINIC: Hey, Bills? Did you say you were at a gay bar when you saw Orlando and Elijah? BILLY: Er, yes. Two, actually. Why? DOMINIC: Erm. I... ELIJAH: [laughing loudly] DOMINIC: I said shut up, 'Lighe! [organ sting] That's next week, on LOTRiPS MYSTERY THEATRE. Until then... sweet dreams, lotrippers.
:~