(no subject)
Why do I feel so out of place right now? Its friday night and Im sitting in front of this damn computer wishing someone would call and or message me back so that I could go out. Then again I cant go any where anyways cuz the babys home with me. Damn its been three weeks that I have been cramped at home trying to be optimistic yet it fades when those evil thoughts of envy creep into my mind. Its hard to banish them away--it keeps getting harder and harder and I ve reached a point where im screaming inside my mind "It isnt fair!!!!" But what is fair? Is it fair Alex has a mother whod rather be out partying than laying in bed with him? Is it fair that my dad stays up worrying whenever Im out? Is it fair to the guys that take me out hoping that I want to be with them when all I want to do is have a good time? I should know by now that life isnt fair. Its my life's motto. I shouldve listened to those single mothers that visited my middle school to warn us about the dangers of unplanned pregnacies. I never thought I would be caught dead in that same situaion, yet here I am. My teenage years passed over-sixteen going on thirty. It depresses me to hear the young ones at work discuss thier school years. The same ones I couldve had if it werent for me making all the wrong choices. for what? Instant Gratification? Is that all it really was? And if so shouldnt that give me a new way of looking at my situation as of this moment? I want some sort of gratification to feel my empty void--but how long will that last? another couple of weeks and than, again, I will have to replenish the void, each time treating others unfairly to get what I want. When I weigh these points out, staying home seems to be the smartest choice, so why doesnt that satisfy my yearning? Especially the next day when every one asks "What did you do last night"--and feel bad for you cuz you didnt get to go out--or worse--that you couldnt find anthing to do or anyone to do it with...then you start to feel like a loser. God Im so bored im rambling,,,