Liars
We are all liars. We are all delusional. we walk around telling ourselves one thing, while the opposite is true. i think it's safe to assume that most people regard themselves as fairly intelligent. i tend to think most people are morons. is it because they are having a bad day? sometimes. it's funny everyone here sort of complains about things and then nothing ever changes. i am feeling bad about telling a little fib today. it wasn't really necessary and the consequences could be worse than what the lie was intended to cover up. and so i wonder, why did i lie in the first place? was it so much easier? that must be it. it's not like i enjoy fibbing, but in most cases i think it's harmless enough. i suppose i lie because i am a coward. i could have told the truth, but that would have made me look very unreliable and i was not willing to do that.
i can see why people gossip. once you start gathering some dirt, it's quite something what you might uncover. for instance, i am always hearing little snatches of things at work. this person is not doing their job right. another person has been shirking responsibility. someone misses too much work. and so i hear these things and nothing ever changes. interesting. but here i am, left holding the bag. just what am i supposed to do with this information now? nothing. i enjoy knowing things. things about people. adding it, bit by bit, to my picture of a human being in particular and the human race in general. and once in a while, i can take out one of these bits to hold in my hand, polish like a jewel. reflect on it. perhaps there's a facet that i didn't see before, perhaps not.
i'm nearly falling asleep sitting here. i woke this morning with a terrible foreboding and an awful leaden heart. mostly because i had a nightmare last night. also, because i am afraid of dying. the nightmare was about being chased by a fierce, gargantuan lion. yes, a lion. with a beautiful, intimidating, huge mane. like The Ghost and the Darkness kind of lion. i knew i could not keep such a monster at bay for long, but i was trying to keep it away long enough for my mother to find my son and hide with him. after a long, very surreal chase the lion had me cornered. i was breathing hard, gone to ground, trying to figure a way out before i was sniffed out or heard. at that point, i knew i was meat for the beast, so to speak. that was when i woke. as i began to wake, still in that state halfway between dreaming and waking, i knew that the only possible thing that could happen in the dream would be my death. there was a part of me that wanted to keep dreaming and find a way out of the situation. but the fear pushed me up out of the fog and i awoke. so, i've been tired all day. this evening i was supposed to go visit a friend, but i cancelled at the last minute. i hated like hell to do it, but it is a 15 hour drive one way and i thought better of trying to leave on a thurs evening, driving all night and return on sunday, then back to work on monday. truthfully, that is the worry that made me so restless last night and probably spurred the nightmare. as much as i would like to see my friend, i would hate like hell to die getting there. maybe it's an irrational fear, but i woke up this morning scared of lions, and scared as hell of making that drive. and i kept thinking how horrible it would be to die and leave my son. i don't think about it much every day, because my routine rarely changes. this morning i thought about it. as if that's not enough, i turned on the tv to check the weather and they were talking about North Korea's missile test. and talking about communities preparing for a chemical/biological or other missile. well, i was a wreck before the day even started today. i pray that the time will pass quickly and i can go home to be comforted and maybe catch up on that sleep that i missed last night.
i can see why people gossip. once you start gathering some dirt, it's quite something what you might uncover. for instance, i am always hearing little snatches of things at work. this person is not doing their job right. another person has been shirking responsibility. someone misses too much work. and so i hear these things and nothing ever changes. interesting. but here i am, left holding the bag. just what am i supposed to do with this information now? nothing. i enjoy knowing things. things about people. adding it, bit by bit, to my picture of a human being in particular and the human race in general. and once in a while, i can take out one of these bits to hold in my hand, polish like a jewel. reflect on it. perhaps there's a facet that i didn't see before, perhaps not.
i'm nearly falling asleep sitting here. i woke this morning with a terrible foreboding and an awful leaden heart. mostly because i had a nightmare last night. also, because i am afraid of dying. the nightmare was about being chased by a fierce, gargantuan lion. yes, a lion. with a beautiful, intimidating, huge mane. like The Ghost and the Darkness kind of lion. i knew i could not keep such a monster at bay for long, but i was trying to keep it away long enough for my mother to find my son and hide with him. after a long, very surreal chase the lion had me cornered. i was breathing hard, gone to ground, trying to figure a way out before i was sniffed out or heard. at that point, i knew i was meat for the beast, so to speak. that was when i woke. as i began to wake, still in that state halfway between dreaming and waking, i knew that the only possible thing that could happen in the dream would be my death. there was a part of me that wanted to keep dreaming and find a way out of the situation. but the fear pushed me up out of the fog and i awoke. so, i've been tired all day. this evening i was supposed to go visit a friend, but i cancelled at the last minute. i hated like hell to do it, but it is a 15 hour drive one way and i thought better of trying to leave on a thurs evening, driving all night and return on sunday, then back to work on monday. truthfully, that is the worry that made me so restless last night and probably spurred the nightmare. as much as i would like to see my friend, i would hate like hell to die getting there. maybe it's an irrational fear, but i woke up this morning scared of lions, and scared as hell of making that drive. and i kept thinking how horrible it would be to die and leave my son. i don't think about it much every day, because my routine rarely changes. this morning i thought about it. as if that's not enough, i turned on the tv to check the weather and they were talking about North Korea's missile test. and talking about communities preparing for a chemical/biological or other missile. well, i was a wreck before the day even started today. i pray that the time will pass quickly and i can go home to be comforted and maybe catch up on that sleep that i missed last night.