(no subject)
I think I really need to throw myself into the Buddhism I’d been getting into these last few months; I think I’m going to need a lot of help to heal…
The ‘rollercoaster relationship’ has come to an end. It turned out it was a mutual decision, as he’d come to see me to end it as well. As soon as he’d left my room I collapsed onto my pillow into loud sobs (yeah, like last time) as he descended the stairs and quietly closed the door behind him. I’d just about managed to hold it together in front of him, I had to keep reminding myself: You can’t go back now, you wanted this, you’d made the decision, you wanted to get out of this relationship but you haven’t had the guts until now, this is it, it’s really happening…
That’s why it hit me so hard as he left - it’s really happening. It’s all real now. It had just been an idea before, but now it’s really real. It really is for the best, for both of us - I wanted to set him free and take the burden off his shoulders as well as ending it for myself. I’ve been so unfair on him, I can be such a nightmare to deal with sometimes, I really try not to be but there’s just this switch that seems to flip in my brain and make me just impossible to cope with.
And the way everything happens to him, it just makes me so angry, why does he have to put up with so much crap all the time? He’s a good person, I mean a really genuinely nice man, why does he always have people pestering him and making demands of him and wanting him to do everything for them? Why can he hardly ever get any time to himself to do the things he likes? Why is he stuck in this awful job of far-too-long hours and physical injury and pain and soreness, why aren’t there any opportunities out there, anywhere, for him to use his creative talent, where he can just be happy in his work, why won’t life just give him a break? I tried and tried to make him happy as best I could, but I’m just so over-sensitive sometimes and take things the wrong way just too often, so when I get upset that makes him upset so there goes any happiness I was trying to create between us… Why does he always have people just interfering and getting in the way, why is it always the nicest people who get all the crap in life… It’s always annoyed me that people just don’t seem to be able to give him the alone time and space he needs - is it only me that understands that side of him?
I’m so conflicted about our relationship, and I think I always will be. It really was half-and-half - half of it was the best relationship I’ve ever had, but half of it…just…really wasn’t a good idea for us to stay together as a couple. It’s certainly not the worst relationship I’ve ever had though, not by a long way. We just clashed in a lot of our ideas and opinions of how a person should behave generally…or something like that. We’re from very different backgrounds, have had very different upbringings, and have very different lives. We just couldn’t merge them together…
There’s so much of his personality that I just don’t like, I just can’t cope with the way he is, the way he sees the world, his take on reality - but was that any reason for me to get so wound up about it sometimes and give him grief? No, of course not, he can’t help the way he is, there was so much more about him I could have just accepted and worked around, more than what I did accept… I just wish I’d known all the things he wanted from me, I wish he would have really spelled it out (I can be really dense sometimes), I mean I learned when to give him space and leave him alone, I always showed my appreciation and thanked him for helping me out with things, I worked hard on the self-improvements he suggested to me and I managed to achieve them, I was always there to listen if he ever wanted to talk about anything that was on his mind (although he didn’t talk like that all that often)…but then I lost my job, and hadn’t been able to save any money due to the weekly travel costs for work, so I couldn’t afford to just go off travelling with him if he’d suggested it or treat him to cinema trips or restaurants too often (like he did so often for me, although he occasionally accepted my offer to pay half), or buy him something useful now and then like biking gear… I think he expected me to just ‘know’, to somehow read his mind and know all the things he wanted from me, but then as some people have pointed out - you shouldn’t have to work that hard at a relationship if it’s really meant to be. It’s supposed to be pleasure, not work - but he seems to see a girlfriend as an employee, who has to work hard and prove herself. Thus I found myself emotionally drained and exhausted, and I knew I couldn’t go on like that anymore.
How is it that a person can be so unbearable and impossible to be around sometimes, then other times they can be the most wonderful person you’ve ever known and you thank your lucky stars you have someone so special in your life? How can it be that one day you could both wake up and wrap your arms round each other, smile contentedly, make little happy noises, and wish you could stay in that happy place for the rest of your life, then the next day wonder why the hell you’re wasting your time and effort on someone who you really dislike the personality of? How can you kiss someone so deeply, wrap your arms tight around them, pulling them further and further into yourself, almost scared of letting go, then turn your back on them at night, putting more and more distance between you in bed, physically rejecting even the slightest touch? I don’t think I’ll ever really understand what’s been going on for the last 2 and a half years…
I’d built a whole life around him, and I always told him I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it. So now what am I supposed to do? I’ve got nothing and no-one here, in this new town I moved to for him, leaving all my friends behind, hardly ever seeing my family anymore, never finding anything going on around here so nothing I could join in and make my own friends through - everything ended up revolving around him, no matter how I’d tried to carve my own niche in St Albans. Obviously I have to move away from here as soon as possible, right after my post office contract ends - aside from the isolation here, everywhere I go and everything I see will remind me of him and make me long for the earlier happy times we had…
I’ll always remember when he first went on his bike tour of Europe just after we broke up the first time, and had to come home after his accident in Germany and I rushed round to see him as soon as I heard about it. When we got back together that night, lying in each other’s arms in bed, his huge smile almost came out of either side of his face as he said “this feels like home.” He always felt like ‘home’ to me, whenever we were spending time happily together, going places or doing things, as well as the romantic affectionate times, I always felt like I belonged, like this is my family now, my future, we belong together - it’s what got me through all the arguments and doubts about the relationship. I always thought we could get through anything because we had a little history between us, our relationship was a comfortable place to always come back to, like home… Even as recently as when he came back from his second Europe trip in September, we lay in bed clinging to each other and he told me he’d missed me, and my heart swelled with love as I told him I’d missed him too; it’s not usually like him to be so demonstrative of his feelings so it was so touching for me to hear that from him - I thought he was back where he belonged, we were back where we belonged: in each other’s arms. I wish I could rewind time to that moment and do everything differently from then on, somehow - just ‘know’ what to do to make him happy and give him everything…
I’d been single for almost a year when I got together with him, and through our whole relationship, even up to now, I’ve always been grateful to the universe for giving him to me, and felt lucky to have such a kind and gentle person to be in love with - maybe the one before him, The Greek, was a big test life had thrown at me; maybe fate thought that if I could get through all the violent rape and emotional abuse I would be rewarded with a wonderful man who was the exact opposite of that, finally giving me the type of man I’d always wanted but never thought I’d find, a man who would never do anything to hurt anyone and who is a genuinely good person, right down to the core of his heart. But then when I found such kindness and gentleness like I’d never known before, I went and ruined it, again and again - I honestly never meant to hurt him, I tried and tried to show him the same love and consideration he’d always shown me, but it was never enough…
If you’ve read this far - well done, and thank you! If you have someone of your own, make sure they know how much they mean to you, go to them right now, put your arms around them, kiss them, tell them how much you love them, and thank them for being in your life. If you’re not with them right now, do it as soon as you or they get home tonight, or text them right now, tell them how much they mean to you and how glad you are to have them. And if you’re single at the moment - well, you know exactly how I feel.