(no subject)
I'm not having such a great time with 2009 and it's only the fourth day in.
I feel like the cracks in Joe & I's relationship are beginning to show because of the NY Eve ordeal thanks to the skankest French girl alive. He seems to hole things up and then fire them out when we fight again as a way to hurt me and I don't know how much more I can put up with.
I told him last week that I loved him, 100% but he didn't take it seriously so I told him again last night even though we had been both drinking and were in the post-fight stages. But rather than a 'thank you' he just replied with an "I just don't know". When I spoke to him this morning he said he wasn't ready for that yet and even when he does feel it, he doesn't think it has to be said and I quote "four months in we say I love you, then another four months we'll be engaged and another four married and another four with baby". So I guess if he sees that saying those three words will mean he's locked down into a world of commitment then he never will love me.
It saddens me because it’s the first time I've truly meant it, my heart feels full with loving him and I've known it for the last month but I don't think it will be returned anytime soon which hurts. He could have said to me a while ago that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a serious relationship but then he contradicts himself by talking to me last night about going on holiday this summer to Greece or New York. I'm confused as to where his head is at and I can't talk to him about it as he's a brick wall about 'feelings'.
I just wish he would open up and at least let me have some insight so I'm not completely in the dark. I have no idea where our relationship is going but right now it just feels like it's going end up with a break up and me in my room for a couple of days, crying and watching Gilmore Girls. I don’t want a break up; it’s the last thing I want right now. I see us going somewhere but I'm afraid to tell him in case he feels trapped, and he isn't. He could easily get out now before it gets too messy but he won’t.
And this French girl is making it even harder for us. NY Eve and she brings so many French people with her. The house was crowded and she has been a problem between Joe & me since November probably, I don't really get along with her and I KNOW she like Joe but he can't see it. I don't like her because I know that if she was given the chance, she would have her hands in his pants within a second. She's a French slut and I hate when she's in my house.
Joe is friends with her, and I understand that but she flirts with him and he returns it. He said it's friendly but it drives me insane. I'm not the jealous type but this girl puts the fear in me and he can't seem to understand. On NY Eve it started which her pouring beer over his crotch which everyone found super hilarious, then they go outside and she pours beer all over him. I'm pissed off because I don't find that funny but he doesn't make it any better. I go off to my room about 1:30am to just chill and maybe cry a bit and when he does eventually come to see me, he calls the situation pathetic and petty. Thus making me feel shit and like I've done something wrong. I've told him to stay away and think before he acts but it's like he does it sometimes to get a rise out of me and it's just hurting me more and more each time something ridiculous happens.
Right now, I'm considering moving out to at least give our relationship a chance if we can't live in harmony. But I'm not sure if that will help or kill us. If I move out, my housemate will let the skank move in like she's wanted for so long and then I will be well and truly fucked. Skank will have Joe at her whim and I won't be able to do a thing, and my housemate won't stop it as it's what she's wanted all along.
I'm fed up, confused and upset and tired. I'm mostly the last but I don't know how much longer I can carry on trying to do my best for someone who keeps throwing it back. I'm not perfect, I'm a bitch but I try so hard t be the best girlfriend I can be, how many girls would do their boyfriend's washing because he's too lazy. I cook for him sometimes and I buy pants for him when he runs out because he loses them. I'm more his mother than his girlfriend sometimes but I don't think he even slightly cares as much as I do which is what eats me the most.