I Hate My Breasts
So it happened something like this:
DUTCH BROS 20 OZ MILKY WAY LATTE: Veeeeeellllvet! I'm rich, creamy, sweet goodness with 4 shots of caffeine guaranteed to perk you up and make you functional... drink me!
ME: Oh, well, since you put it that way, maybe I'll have just a little…
30 Lattes later...
ME: My pants feel a bit tight. And this bra doesn't fit very well. GODDAMN IT! Not again!
BREASTS: Giggle.
ME: I swear you two are worse than my kids. PICK a size already and stay there. Listen I got bras in 3 different band sizes and 3 different cup sizes, surely one of them is right this time.
BREASTS: Nope! Hee hee! Time to go shopping again.
So off I go shopping with my best friend.
BEST FRIEND: Oooh, I wonder which of these cute and stylish bras will fit my perky B cups! Let me grab ten and try them on.
ME: (standing looking forlornly at the racks of beautiful bras).
LIGHT PINK LACY PUSH UP BRA: I'm so feminine and pretty you won't want to cover me with a shirt. Too bad I don't come in anything approaching your size.
TIGER STRIPED BRA: I'm fun to wear! Va-VOOM! And I show off your cleavage. I don't come in your size either.
WHITE SEAMLESS BRA: I do come in your size. What's more, I'm like two white clouds that tenderly cup you. I'll gently support you while massaging your breasts with my softness. Wearing me is like wearing a dream.
ME: (Excited!) Really? YEA! And you say you are supportive!
WHITE SEAMLESS BRA: Supportive? (Looks skeptically at me) Oh, I'm sorry, you are a … special case. You belong over there - in the dungeon section.
REST OF BRAS: Mockity Mock Mock Mock.
DUNGEON SECTION: Here we hold all the bras that are too fugly to display. We keep them in boxes, hidden away in rolling drawers, so they won't offend the eyes of the beautiful people.
ME: Grrr. (Picks through.)
FUGLY BRA: Not only do I resemble something you'd buy from an 1880's era Sears Catalog, I'm also uncomfortable. But I am your size. Try me on, I'll make you look good.
ME: Damn it you are uncomfortable, but at least you fit. Wait, you cost $27! No way. I'm not paying for you.
BEST FRIEND: Wow you look great in that bra! It takes 20 pounds off of you. Seriously! You look so thin in it!
ME: Damn it! (reaches for wallet).
BREASTS: Giggle.
ME: I swear, if you change sizes on me again in the next year, I'm going to cut you off…. Wait. That's IT!
FANTASY: I'm leaping lightly through a field of daisies, looking like tampon commercial, wearing only the lightest lacy tank top over my flat chest, shouting "I'm free! I'm free!"
BREASTS: Er… wait a moment here, you can't do that to us.
ME: I can see it! If I cut you two off, I can wear button up shirts and tank tops, and I'll never need to wear a bra, but if I want a little cleavage, I can stuff an a-cup. I can run without jiggling! And it's not like I'm ever gonna feed another kid with them. They've outlived their usefulness! Time to go!
BREASTS: (snuggle up to husband) Help us!
HUSBAND: (groping breasts) I veto this idea.
BREASTS: Ha! Three against one! You lose!
ME: Grrrr.