(no subject)
k so i am going to make a better effort with updating in here but i just never have the time and i'm more the type that likes to snoop around to see what other people have been up to.
anyway, tonight after work this very pretty boi i know showed up and brought me a card. the funny thing is there was no occasion. i thought it was realy sweet. i don't think anyone has really ever bestowed such a random act of sweetness upon me. i was so tired and totally blushing and i couldn't help but think to myself hey now i actually have something to say in my stupid journal. actually, i keep a hand written journal, but i am thinking of using this one more. i'm not really sure.
umm, so yeah. even those of you who know me don't know much about what is going on, but things are pretty plain as of late other than the fact that i can't stop thinking about this guy i broke up with several months ago. we have not talked in a long time. it's funny when a long time goes by and you start to think about what could have been. even the random act of sweetness does not help get my mind off this other boi. he was so sweet to me, maybe too sweet, and i felt like i did not deserve him because for some reason he saw all this stuff in me that i cannot see myself.
i dunno, basically he just thought i was more pure and innocent and intellegent than i really am and wanted the whole nine yards and i just felt so overwhelmed by it all. it's not that i'm some big slut or anything, i've only been with 7 people in my whole life, well, 7 guys and two girls. i act like i have been with more people some of the time, and i pretend to be way more open minded about stuff than i really am. i mean i know people who have been with more than double that number of guys who are even younger than me, but i just don't like it too much. i think fooling around is one thing, but if i'm going to be with someone and share myself like that, i want there to at least be some sort of bigger connection.
shit, i don;t know where i am going with this. i guess i am happy because for the first time in a really long time someone seems to actually like me for me and showed up at my work and just did this nice thing, but all week i have been thinking about Justin and how maybe i reallyt fucked things up because he could have been a real keeper and now i'll never know. i totally pushed him away and treated him not as well as I should have, you know? all because i couldn't open up. he was my best friend and i had known him so long and now it's been almost a month or maybe more since we've even talked. he just gave up on me because i acted like such a bitch and i am so confused.
maybe i should just continue to stay away from guys but a part of me would really like to be swept off my feet. i just can't help but wonder if i passed that up with the guy that was right for me. maybe i should call him but i don;t want to hurt him more if it's better for him to just not have me in his life.
wow, that's more than enough posting because no one will read this, lol.
p.s. me n annie kinda fooled around again too which means she cheated on her bf. yup yup. i think it still counts if yer grrl gets with a grrl and you don't know. now i feel like a cheap third wheel, 'cept not really because she's my best gf and well she's yummy and it's just a connection we have. but i don't think her man would approve!
anyway, tonight after work this very pretty boi i know showed up and brought me a card. the funny thing is there was no occasion. i thought it was realy sweet. i don't think anyone has really ever bestowed such a random act of sweetness upon me. i was so tired and totally blushing and i couldn't help but think to myself hey now i actually have something to say in my stupid journal. actually, i keep a hand written journal, but i am thinking of using this one more. i'm not really sure.
umm, so yeah. even those of you who know me don't know much about what is going on, but things are pretty plain as of late other than the fact that i can't stop thinking about this guy i broke up with several months ago. we have not talked in a long time. it's funny when a long time goes by and you start to think about what could have been. even the random act of sweetness does not help get my mind off this other boi. he was so sweet to me, maybe too sweet, and i felt like i did not deserve him because for some reason he saw all this stuff in me that i cannot see myself.
i dunno, basically he just thought i was more pure and innocent and intellegent than i really am and wanted the whole nine yards and i just felt so overwhelmed by it all. it's not that i'm some big slut or anything, i've only been with 7 people in my whole life, well, 7 guys and two girls. i act like i have been with more people some of the time, and i pretend to be way more open minded about stuff than i really am. i mean i know people who have been with more than double that number of guys who are even younger than me, but i just don't like it too much. i think fooling around is one thing, but if i'm going to be with someone and share myself like that, i want there to at least be some sort of bigger connection.
shit, i don;t know where i am going with this. i guess i am happy because for the first time in a really long time someone seems to actually like me for me and showed up at my work and just did this nice thing, but all week i have been thinking about Justin and how maybe i reallyt fucked things up because he could have been a real keeper and now i'll never know. i totally pushed him away and treated him not as well as I should have, you know? all because i couldn't open up. he was my best friend and i had known him so long and now it's been almost a month or maybe more since we've even talked. he just gave up on me because i acted like such a bitch and i am so confused.
maybe i should just continue to stay away from guys but a part of me would really like to be swept off my feet. i just can't help but wonder if i passed that up with the guy that was right for me. maybe i should call him but i don;t want to hurt him more if it's better for him to just not have me in his life.
wow, that's more than enough posting because no one will read this, lol.
p.s. me n annie kinda fooled around again too which means she cheated on her bf. yup yup. i think it still counts if yer grrl gets with a grrl and you don't know. now i feel like a cheap third wheel, 'cept not really because she's my best gf and well she's yummy and it's just a connection we have. but i don't think her man would approve!