(no subject)
Right now I basically feel like I really just need a chance to let go. I need a chance to vent. And how pathetic is it… I get to vent to a computer.
Sure I have friends, but I feel like most of those “friends” are just acquaintances.
All if high school, these last three years. I was in drumline/ marching band. I grew up a tremendous amount. I learned a hell of a lot and I had some great relationships and amazing friends.
This year I feel like I’ve lost it all. Going into theater from drumline I used to be so grateful cause it seemed like in drumline you could never really express or show your feelings, you had to pretend to be badass all the time. I went into theater meeting some wonderful people. They were so nice and inviting. I was excited. But now I’m just starting to think it doesn’t go any deeper than that.
Maybe it’s me, it probably is. Something’s different with me this year. I feel like I broke. But I don’t know what broke me and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve lost a part of me. But I just can’t seem to get close to people this year. They always say, the main key to getting happy is relationships, and not just romantic relationships, everything. Friends, family, anyone you can get close to. I need that. But I don’t have it.
I have friends… some closer than others of course, but I don’t feel I have someone I can really count on. I don’t feel I have someone that I know will help me through a tough time or share something good with me. I care for so many of my friends but I just think most of them would be just fine without me.
I think that’s why I’m so excited to get out of here and move into the next phase of my life. I need I new start. I want to start over and meet people I can get close to and really share my life with. But I’m scared. I want something right now. I want what I used to have. There was I time when boys actually liked me and my friends really wanted to hang out with me and I don’t know what I did.
Strangers always tell me I’m pretty and why don’t I have a boyfriend. Well… obviously there’s something wrong with my personality right? There's something that drives people away.
I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. I just feel like I’m desperate. I’m desperate for a best friend; I’m desperate for someone who will actually care.
I broke my hand and sure people asked about it, and thank you but that’s just being considerate. There’s no one who came over or even gave me a hug when they heard… something. I just want something.