I Dare You to Move
You know you're going to die right? No one gets out alive. You can trapper keeper your consciousness here, if you'd like, or have it done for you unwittingly and unwillingly, but you're still going to have to move on at some point. You will definitely lose your body and all your things in the process.
One of the last sentiments said to me by an 'authority' before I resigned from my career of 15 years in the government as an analyst was this:
"I am not asking for your opinion or feelings, only your compliance."
I remember that it was over an email at 7:07 in the morning on a Monday, and it wasn't even about the vaccine or the face panties I was constantly bullied about, either. It had to do with the final stretches of a multi-year purchase I was attempting to push through before winter hit and the rain finally brought a rotten, asbestos-ridden cafeteria roof down in its entirety on wards of the state shoveling poisonous food into their mouths.
Not only was I denied, but I was insulted and pushed back into my place as a cog in the gigantic wheel of a hopelessly corrupt and antiquated beast of a structure specifically designed to break and syphon the life force of all involved. Even if our values *had* been aligned, and I *was* working toward the outcome presented - correction and rehabilitation - I would never have been able to do so given the sheer amount of red tape tangling all tasks - from the tiniest at the bottom to those up at the top, that are, again, purposefully orchestrated that way for the harnessing of energy and to distract from what actually matters (love).
This was incredibly difficult for me to come to terms with at that time, because what I thought actually mattered was what I went into the job for - security. Like so many, I felt that security came from some one, some thing, or some system that promised it to me. In exchange for my servitude, I was offered insurance on my health, and a monthly pittance once I was too old to matter to this dimension. I could never be in nature for any length of time. I hadn't the energy or inner peace at the end of any day to focus on anything beautiful or benevolent, only bullshit. And all of the insurance I paid so dearly for was funneled back into the pharmaceutical industry so that I could numb myself to this and carry on. I think I've mentioned here that I also detoxed off all that, lost weight, quit pulling out my hair, spoke up, and wrote a shit-ton of poetry that year as well.
I'm just thinking of all of this as I gaze out the window today at all the leaves depart from the tree in my yard and scatter down the sidewalk with the wind and rain. I'm not sure why. It seems like a sad time, but really it is just still. I need to be still again. Still *and* sober. It is my current challenge.
I am grateful for those fifteen years in that job, actually. For a few reasons, but mostly because although they may never have meant for it to - it did end up assisting in correcting and rehabilitating something - me.
Cheers to that. 🥂🙏
One of the last sentiments said to me by an 'authority' before I resigned from my career of 15 years in the government as an analyst was this:
"I am not asking for your opinion or feelings, only your compliance."
I remember that it was over an email at 7:07 in the morning on a Monday, and it wasn't even about the vaccine or the face panties I was constantly bullied about, either. It had to do with the final stretches of a multi-year purchase I was attempting to push through before winter hit and the rain finally brought a rotten, asbestos-ridden cafeteria roof down in its entirety on wards of the state shoveling poisonous food into their mouths.
Not only was I denied, but I was insulted and pushed back into my place as a cog in the gigantic wheel of a hopelessly corrupt and antiquated beast of a structure specifically designed to break and syphon the life force of all involved. Even if our values *had* been aligned, and I *was* working toward the outcome presented - correction and rehabilitation - I would never have been able to do so given the sheer amount of red tape tangling all tasks - from the tiniest at the bottom to those up at the top, that are, again, purposefully orchestrated that way for the harnessing of energy and to distract from what actually matters (love).
This was incredibly difficult for me to come to terms with at that time, because what I thought actually mattered was what I went into the job for - security. Like so many, I felt that security came from some one, some thing, or some system that promised it to me. In exchange for my servitude, I was offered insurance on my health, and a monthly pittance once I was too old to matter to this dimension. I could never be in nature for any length of time. I hadn't the energy or inner peace at the end of any day to focus on anything beautiful or benevolent, only bullshit. And all of the insurance I paid so dearly for was funneled back into the pharmaceutical industry so that I could numb myself to this and carry on. I think I've mentioned here that I also detoxed off all that, lost weight, quit pulling out my hair, spoke up, and wrote a shit-ton of poetry that year as well.
I'm just thinking of all of this as I gaze out the window today at all the leaves depart from the tree in my yard and scatter down the sidewalk with the wind and rain. I'm not sure why. It seems like a sad time, but really it is just still. I need to be still again. Still *and* sober. It is my current challenge.
I am grateful for those fifteen years in that job, actually. For a few reasons, but mostly because although they may never have meant for it to - it did end up assisting in correcting and rehabilitating something - me.
Cheers to that. 🥂🙏