What the hell?!?
Apparently for the first time in my life this is the one thing i can't ruin. HAHA
Last night I was certain that I had fucked everything with charlie,then as soon as I got in bed I get a phone call.
So yet again geuss who was at my house till 3am?
I think I need to stop and evaluate this situation a little better. But,its nearly impossible. Just for the simple fact that I am not a very rational person. My brain never stops running so I over analyze everything. The one thing I havent told him though I know would be a deal breaker. I like him because hes not strung out but what does that say about myself? Ive been doing pills again at least a couple times a week,mostly on days that I work buuuuut I do way too much even then. Im just not getting sick when I dont use. This pattern of soberity and relapse is killing me,emotionaly at least. I try my best but,its nearly impossible when everyone your surrounded with uses. I just dont want tristan to grow up with a junkie mom. I would starve before tristan went without. Thats for damn sure. The longest ive went without doing anything the past couple weeks is 4 days and trust me it was hell. I had those bells ringing in my head the whole time. Your body knows and most of the time your body isnt ready to give up that warm fuzzy feeling. I really believe that the high I get from opiates is the closest feeling you'll get to being back in the womb.
Old habits die hard and mine arnt quite in the grave yet.
Last night I was certain that I had fucked everything with charlie,then as soon as I got in bed I get a phone call.
So yet again geuss who was at my house till 3am?
I think I need to stop and evaluate this situation a little better. But,its nearly impossible. Just for the simple fact that I am not a very rational person. My brain never stops running so I over analyze everything. The one thing I havent told him though I know would be a deal breaker. I like him because hes not strung out but what does that say about myself? Ive been doing pills again at least a couple times a week,mostly on days that I work buuuuut I do way too much even then. Im just not getting sick when I dont use. This pattern of soberity and relapse is killing me,emotionaly at least. I try my best but,its nearly impossible when everyone your surrounded with uses. I just dont want tristan to grow up with a junkie mom. I would starve before tristan went without. Thats for damn sure. The longest ive went without doing anything the past couple weeks is 4 days and trust me it was hell. I had those bells ringing in my head the whole time. Your body knows and most of the time your body isnt ready to give up that warm fuzzy feeling. I really believe that the high I get from opiates is the closest feeling you'll get to being back in the womb.
Old habits die hard and mine arnt quite in the grave yet.